ULOG: #2 - Thoughts over coffee

Hey guys,

I'm finally coming around to posting my second ULOG. I knew I couldn't post daily; it's just impossible with life getting in the way but today is my day off and I have some time to finally write.

It's 1PM now and I just woke up. I took one of those flu pills before going to bed yesterday (Tabcin, which is the equivalent of Niquil in the states), and it knocked me out completely. I still feel dozed! I can't believe how potent that stuff is, but I guess I really needed to just sleep it off. The body heals itself during sleep, so there's nothing wrong with staying in bed the entire morning. Although I do feel guilty for sleeping away my weekend. I always feel like I need to be active on the weekends to make up for sitting in front of the computer all day during the week, and not waste my days on just resting. Today is a very rainy day, however, so being lazy can be excused in my book of guilt. There's nothing else I cold do today anyway.

So what's new?

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The other day I was feeling a little down and thought about who my true friends are. I've moved around so much that I have friends scattered all over the globe. The true friends I had here in Bocas del Toro all moved away, and I feel a bit lonely these days. That's the problem with living in a tourist destination. People come and go, especially expats. They stay for a year or more, and then move on to the next shiny thing. Sometimes I'm jealous of my husband who has lived in Panama his entire life. He has all his best friends from childhood in the city, just a bus ride away if he wants to see them.

They say, the older you get, the harder it is to make friends and it's true. I find it hard to make new meaningful connections with people. My closest friends are the ones I went to high school and college with, and they are all in France or Belgium. Then I have 4 very close friends from my Masters program, who live in London, NYC, Tokyo and San Francisco. I haven't seen them in 10 years now. In 2 weeks time though I will be able to meet up with my girls, since we've panned a little reunion in NYC. I can't wait to see them again, you have no idea! This NYC week is gong to be epic.

This is us on spring break is Costa Rica:

Two of them are moms now and already have two kids each, but at least there's my friend Maria who doesn't. It's going to be very strange talking about motherhood with them, as opposed to economics assignments and university gossip. It's as if they were real grown ups now all of a sudden. They moved on to the next stage in life, and I'm left behind. But I refuse to grow up. Maybe that's why I don't have any children. I still want to travel the world and be free.

Is that a bad thing?

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Being in my thirties and not having any kids makes it somehow hard for me to fit in with the crowd of my age. Most women have families and that's what they talk about when they meet up. I have different interests. While some talk about facials or getting their hair done, I prefer to talk about Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and crypto. If I hang out with a younger crowd, I find that they're all about partying and getting laid, which is of course perfectly normal. I did the same when I was in my 20's, but now it's not my thing anymore. I like a good party every once in a while, but I no longer make it a regular thing. Hangovers are less forgiving and the thrill has gone. I enjoy dinners or reunions with friends at someone's house a lot more than going to a club.

I'm caught in limbo somewhere. Too adult for some and too immature for others. Or maybe I'm the only one feeling that way and it's all in my head. Who knows!

It has stopped raining now, so I'm going to leave you guys here. I'll do some work in my garden today and check if my little plants have grown. I will post a video about my garden soon, I promise!

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