ULOG (DAY 1): New Work, New Beginning

I woke up early this morning because it's the first day of my new work. For me, this is not just the start of my new job, but this is also the start of my new life…my new beginning. Well, I am really hoping…

It’s been almost a year since I resigned from my first stable job. And it’s been hard for me to accept the fact that I regretted doing it. I was totally depressed because I have chosen the wrong path. From working in a company where I met great people, I loved the peaceful workplace, and I absolutely gained personal growth to working in the institution where the exact opposite happened, I was devastated.

I convinced myself and others that I regret nothing. That I know what I did is a mistake that I have to commit for me to understand things clearly. That I have to fail for me to gather some lessons that will help me succeed in the future. I convinced myself that I was okay. But little did I know, I slowly died when I committed that mistake of taking the wrong path.

I always asked myself questions like “Why am I in this situation?”, “What happened to me?”, “What have I done to myself?”

A year ago, I was oozing with optimism and I have burning passion to achieve my goals. In fact, I was sure that nothing could stop me from reaching my dreams. But the turn of events was so fast that it made me lost.

I resigned in my job. I find another work. I accepted a contract that chained me. I tried my best to love my job but I just can’t because of so many reasons.

During those times, I didn’t feel that I was alive.

I can barely get out of bed in the morning to go to work. I'd stare at the ceiling and pray that I didn't exist. There are nights that I would cry because of no apparent reason. I'd just stare at the ceiling then tears will suddenly flow. There are times that I'd cry alone in the office. There are times that I thought of harming myself and ending my life.

I can't even believe that I have these suicidal thoughts again. Because I strongly believed before that how much depressed I would be, I’ll never ever think of those terrible things. Yet, I was wrong. But good thing, I still have faith in God in spite everything that dragged me down.

My body is alive, but my soul is dead. That’s what I felt. But nobody knew what I’ve been through except to my sister who experienced depression and overcomes it years ago. I just don't want to reach out to normal people because they tend to misunderstand us. I know because I was once a normal person who haven't understood things until I experienced it.

I tried to save myself. I vent out through traveling, eating unhealthy foods, and sleeping a lot when I'm at home. But it just worsens me because I used my savings that are supposed to be used for my goals. I spent everything up to the last centavo because I lost interest in everything, including my hobbies and reaching my goals.

Depression really hit me hard.

I continued living like a dead. I feel so hopeless that time. But I have promised one thing to myself…that if my contract will end, I’ll break the chains. I’ll let go of the worse things that I’ve gone through. That I’ll start to pick up the pieces that I’ve lost along the way. I’ll rebuild myself. I’ll let myself grow again. I’ll be stronger.

So as I turn the new chapter of my life, I’ll bring with me the valuable lessons of my past. I’ll use and turn those pains into a motivation to strive harder. This time, I’ll rise again to reach my forgotten dreams.

I will be back into the right track.

And today, I’ve done well in stepping to a brighter horizon. 

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ULOG DAY 1

Thank you for reading!