My wife...

MY WIFE: episode 6

NKECHI: Dede, Amara just got to the Park; can I use your car to go pick her up, please?

EBUKA: Nkechi, you know you cannot drive me car! You’ll be arrested because your name is not in my insurance. Why not ask her to take a cab?

NKECHI: she’s not very familiar with Abuja and has had a not so good experience with an Uber driver, so she is scared to use them.

EBUKA: make she enter keke naw. It’s just roughly 15 minutes from the park to here!

NKECHI: seriously! You want my friend to enter that??? I’m going to pick her up!

EBUKA: Nkechinyere, you are just a pain in the backside! Funmi, let me go and pick her friend up abeg.

FUNMI: no problems. By the time you come back, food should be ready.

EBUKA: alright, hun. Nkechi! I’ll be waiting in the car.

NKECHI: I won’t be a minute??

(They got to the park and picked Amarachi up. She is a very beautiful young lady and has got all the features that can get a man’s head swelling and swirling. One thing though, she was not dressed in bumshorts as was suggested by Nkechi.
Instead, she was dressed in a white pencil skirt and a wine coloured off the shoulder top.

Well, this had the effect of making her appear innocent, decent and classy. To the unsuspecting, she is harmless!)

NKECHI: hello!

AMARACHI: (Startled) oh my God! You scared me! (Hugs her)

NKECHI: I saw you from the car and decided to take you unawares. Come along! My brother brought me!
What’s the meaning of this you are wearing naw! This no be business meeting o!

AMARACHI: oh! He came with you! Calm down, we are already fake so we don’t need to make it too obvious! Hahahaha!

NKECHI: na your head be fake! Did you tell Oscar to ring?

AMARACHI: you won’t believe he insisted I pay him 5k for that.

NKECHI: did you?

AMARACHI: yes o!

NKECHI: don’t worry, it will be worth it in the end. That’s my brother’s car over there, come on!

(At this point, I consider it necessary to tell you a little more about Ebuka, shall I? Well, Ebuka is one of those guys you would describe as “God’s gift to women” no he doesn’t struggle that much to keep “it” in his pants but he has a thing for women with nice legs and he has some aggressive blood flowing in his veins.

In a nutshell, Ebuka is young, successful and the CEO of the very honourable beard gang

When he caught a glimpse of Amarachi from afar, he wanted nothing more than to see more and more of her. For a moment, he was absent in the body and present in the spirit. Whatever you make of it, is what it is?)

NKECHI: dede, meet my friend, Amara. Amara meet my dede Ebuka!??

EBUKA:(offering her a handshake) or wow! What a beauty she is! Hello, Amara nice to meet you!

AMARACHI: (shyly) hi, nice to meet you too. Thank you.

EBUKA: get into the car, ladies. Do you need to stop anywhere at all or are we driving straight home?

NKECHI: Amara, do you need anything?

AMARACHI: No, I’m fine. Thank you.

(During that 15 minutes drive home, Ebuka would occasionally try to get more view of Amara through the side mirror.
A friend of mine once told me that it is difficult to resist a woman who is elegantly dressed. “You just wanna keep looking” he added! That might just be true!

They got home and Funmi had already finished cooking and brought the pounded yam and okro soup she expertly made to the table, in airtight food containers.

EBUKA: sweetie, we are home!

FUNMI: oh that was quick?

NKECHI: Amara, meet Funmi ..

AMARACHI: hello, nice to meet you. My name is Amara. I am Nkechi’s friend and course mate

FUNMI: nice to meet you too. My name is Funmi, that’s my husband over there. You are welcome

NKECHI: hian!?

FUNMI: please go change into something comfortable and come to the dinning table.

(Lol this is funny, she shouldn’t have said that, should she! The moment she mentioned ‘something comfortable ” it activated the instructions Nkechi had given her earlier. So she went in and came out in a smoking hot khaki green bumshorts and a white cotton crop top. By God, the girl has got legs!
When she came out, everyone else was already seated and yet again, Ebuka was caught in the act of ‘excessive lookery ‘ .
It was so obvious that Funmi noticed it and went to the bedroom, summoning him….)

FUNMI: what was the meaning of that!!!

EBUKA: the meaning of what!!

FUNMI: you couldn’t keep your eyes off her as she walked to the table! I find that very disrespectful!

EBUKA: Funmi, this is the only problem I’ve always had with you! Your insecurity does my head in! You are beautiful, you are brilliant and I chose you over any other women out there! These should give you some sort of confidence in yourself but no! In your head, every other woman out there is better than you! Come on naw!

FUNMI: please tell your sister to tell her friend to dress appropriately when you are around. I’m not happy with what she is wearing please! Also, I want her to leave tomorrow morning. You can pay for a hotel for them or something

EBUKA: nah, babe. That’s not happening. There’s already tension between me and my family, you don’t wanna cause more. Can I go eat now, please?

FUNMI: I want her to leave or I go to Lagos until she leaves.

EBUKA: I’ll leave that choice with you. I’m going back to the dinning. Put an end to this drama now! And I mean now!!

MY Wife EPISODE 7

FUNMI: Ebuka! Ebuka!! Wake up!!!

EBUKA: (incoherently) what is it, babe?

FUNMI: I’m going to Lagos and I’m ready. Please drop me off to the park😔

EBUKA: so you now wake up and decide to go to your parents’ house without any prior notice? And since when did you start going to Lagos by road? What’s with the recent attitude?

FUNMI: my mum’s blood pressure has been playing up so I’m going to spend the weekend with them. They also want to increase the house rent for tenants so I am the one who does all the maths! Please drop me off I don’t want to be late. I also want give you all the time you need to stare at naked women!

EBUKA: make sure this is what you want to do o! Everything was fine until Nkechi’s friend came. A girl I haven’t even sat down and talk to for a minute except at meal times.
Since she came, Nkechi has changed towards you.
She is more respectful to you, she makes Nkechi do chores; she even washed your clothes yesterday! That is something Nkechi would never have done on her own and you know it!
wait wait! Do you think im going to do what? Sleep with her or marry her, what!
I’m honestly getting fed up of your silly insecurity. You need to do something about it.
Finally, I am unaware of this trip, get a cab!

FUNMI: I should get a cab eh, Ebuka?? I should get a cab! I told you my mum is Ill and I need to go see her and you refused to drop me off to the park abi!!!
Two days ago, you went to the park to pick a girl up even when you were very tired; just because she is Ibo!
If you loved your Ibo women that much, why didn’t you marry one of them! Since she came, all of you now communicate in Ibo leaving me totally in the dark!
Home is no longer what it used to be, and I’ve asked you to pay for a hotel for her since she is only here for a few days, but no!

EBUKA: I have no money to pay for a hotel when I own a mansion. The problem is in your head. You need to detoxify your mind otherwise this marriage is in for a big one

NKECHI: (knocks once on the door and opened almost immediately) what’s the matter, dede? What’s with the Igbo girls this, that and the other? O gini?? (What’s the matter?)

FUNMI: leave my bedroom now! You lack manners!

NKECHI: o si na o gini? (What’s she saying?)

EBUKA: Nkechi, go back to your room, biko.

NKECHI: just wanted to ask you guys to keep the noise down, it’s Saturday and my visitor is asleep!
Abraham had a reason for asking Isaac to get himself a wife from his tribe! Mtchewww! (Walks out)

FUNMI: I’m leaving, I’ll be back on Tuesday!

EBUKA: what about your work?

FUNMI: I took Monday and Tuesday off

EBUKA: do you want me to call Chima to get you into the next available flight? It’s stressful travelling that long by road, especially with the state of the roads!

FUNMI: no😔

EBUKA: alright, I’ll drop you to the park. Let me quickly brush my teeth

FUNMI: thanks. Babe, can you please stay at Chima’s house until I’m back please. I’m begging?

EBUKA: haaa! Chai! Chineke!! Funmi you don mad finish, I swear! So you think Chima has anti cheating installed in his house huh?
If I want to do a thing, my location won’t make any difference. Girl, I’m mobile! I’ve got some money. I could go to London and come back between now and Tuesday. Come on!
I’m an Igbo man, we don’t sleep in another man’s house. Just get real!
The girl you are all worried about isn’t even that beautiful! Come on! You know the kind of girls I go for. Besides, she is my little sister’s friend! I see her as a sister!

FUNMI: the way you look at her isn’t the way one looks at a sister!

EBUKA: This conversation is over from my end. Let me take you to the park, biko!

---

(Funmi got to her family home but the doors were all locked so she started banging and calling out. Adaku heard her from her room and came out to see who it was)

ADAKU: hello, who are you looking for?

FUNMI: hi, where are my parents? Sorry my name is Funmi; I am Mr Bode’s daughter.

ADAKU: oh nice to meet you. I think they have gone to church. They are Seventh Days Adventist members

FUNMI: oh sugar! How could I have forgotten!

ADAKU: it happens to the best of us. Come stay in my room and wait for them. I’m sure they won’t be long

FUNMI: how kind! You must be one of the new tenant because it’s my first time seeing you.

ADAKU: yes, I am. So where do you live? Sorry before I start, I made some chicken stew. Would you like some?

FUNMI: oh yes, please! Can’t say no to anything chicken😄 I live in Abuja with my husband

ADAKU: Wow! It must be great living with your husband. Some of us are not that lucky

FUNMI: yes, you enjoy that companionship. Doesn’t mean you won’t encounter other problems though.. so are you divorced?

ADAKU: hehehe no dear. My husband recently moved to Canada after we got married. So I live here alone and lonely at the moment

FUNMI: awwww! it must be hard. So any plans of you joining him at all?

ADAKU: of course. I’ve got an interview on Monday with the Canadian Embassy.

FUNMI: oh! All the best with that. Actually I’m gonna give you my number to you tell me all about it. By the way, I am married to an Ibo man. This food is so delicious! Wow! Your hubby is definitely missing out!🥘🍹

ADAKU: Wow! The best men in the entire world! You are lucky!

FUNMI: Hehehehe! Praising your brothers now aye! But if I’m honest, he has been a great husband but family, especially his little sister is a witch! Pure witch.

ADAKU: I think every family is blessed with one witch. Hahahaha

FUNMI: mine isn’t o! Well, it’s just me, my mum and dad and my adopted brother, Tosin. And I must say we are nice to people.

ADAKU: hehehe. Well, I hope you somehow get on with your sister in law. Shall we see a movie?

FUNMI: Oh my God! I can’t believe we like the same things on a weekend! Finally got myself a bestie!!! Yeeeeee

---

(Ebuka went from the park to the gym. By the time he got home, Nkechi and her friend in bumshorts had cleaned and polished the whole house in such a manner that it sparkled. They had also cooked a sumptuous vegetable soup with loads of goat meat, Ebuka’s favourite thing in the world.
Being very hungry, he bounced on the food joined by the girls, they dismantled it. Ebuka then grabbed his Xbox and got busy, while the girls retired to their room for more “planning”

After about two hours, the girls came out in their bikinis. Oh! And was Ebuka magneted by Amara’s stunning figure!)

NKECHI: dede, I want to use the swimming pool, is that okay?

EBUKA: erm sure! You girls want to swim?

AMARACHI: Nkechi wants to swim, so i am only going to watch her because I can’t swim to save my life

EBUKA: why not! But you are dressed for it. Do you want to learn?

AMARACHI: if I get a trusted tutor, definitely not Nkechi. She is too skinny to rescue me if I was drowning🤣

NKECHI: I no blame you😂

EBUKA: alright, I’ll change and come teach you

AMARACHI: oh how kind! Yeeeee

(The girls got into the pool and before you could say ‘married’ Ebuka was out in his body hugging swimming suit revealing everything that makes a sister vulnerable. I’ll spare you the details)

Ebuka: are you ready?

The girls: yessssss!!!!🤽‍♀️🤽‍♀️🤽‍♀️🤽‍♀️🤽‍♀️🏊‍♀️🏊‍♀️🤸‍♀️🤽‍♀️

(Ebuka dived into the pool and helped Amara in. Then the swimming lesson began while Nkechi was swimming on the other end of the pool to leave them enough space for the tutorial.
Don’t ask me, but the lesson involved a lot of body contact and before long, Ebuka’s body started to obviously react to the many contacts. How did I know? It was obvious even without my glasses, I could SEE It all🙊🙈)

Nkechi: dede, I must go get call card now, I need to call mum. (Jumps out of the pool creating not just more space for the two, but privacy and a conducive atmosphere)

EBUKA: what are you doing???

AMARACHI: I’m sorry..

EBUKA: you don’t have to be. Did you do that on purpose?

AMARACHI:🙈

EBUKA: are you bold enough to say what you want? Who knows, you might just get it…

AMARACHI: probably not, but are you smart enough to read my body language?

MY WIFE

EPISODE 9

Funmi had called Ebuka severally to pick her up from the park to no avail, so she decided to take a cab home. she knocked on the door and Nkechi opened the door for her)

FUNMI: where is your brother??

NKECHI: calm down, woman! a hello would be a good start!

FUNMI: oh sorry my dear! I’m just worried because I rang him endlessly. he was supposed to pick me up.
good day

NKECHI: well, it’s not very unusual not to get a response when you ring someone on phone! stop acting like someone died!

FUNMI:I don’t even have your time this morning (walks briskly upstairs into their bedroom where Ebuka was getting dressed)
did you not see my calls??

EBUKA: (Ignores her and carries on adjusting his ties in front of the mirror )

FUNMI: stop ignoring me! I am talking to you! I only went to Lagos to see my poorly mother! why didn’t you come to pick me up from the park, like we agreed!

EBUKA: you got yourself safely home, right? so no damage done! get out of my way (pushes her aside and walks away)

FUNMI: ( nearly falls over) Jesu! Ebuka, you’ll hurt me!! what’s your problem! (walks into Nkechi’s room) Nkechi, what’s happening? your brother is not talking to me!

NKECHI: not sure about you Yorubas, but Igbo parents raise their children never to interfere in matters between husband and wife. a third party should not even know about this. he is not talking to you, so what!
He is your husband, you should know how best to penetrate him, if you weren’t busy frequenting Lagos! please keep me out of it!

AMARACHI: I think you should….

FUNMI: hey! stay out of this, please. stay entirely out of it!

(Amarachi’s phone rings…..)

AMARACHI: hello???

EBUKA: Hi, Amara. its Ebuka here. I am at that MTN office at the junction. could you come there right now, please. its urgent!

AMARACHI: is everything okay?

EBUKA: yes. just come.

AMARACHI: Okay. see you shortly. Nkechi, I need to go see someone at the junction now

NKECHI: hian! is everything okay, and who are you going to meet?

AMARACHI: a friend of mine. I told her I came to Abuja so she asked where about. when I told her, she said she was coming to collect her dress from her designer somewhere near the junction and asked if we could meet up. so she is right there now.

NKECHI: alright. be careful then.

AMARACHI: I will.

(Amarachi got to the junction and saw Ebuka in his car. his eyes were red and swollen; he had deafening music playing in his car that he couldn’t hear Amara calling him, so she banged on his glass)

EBUKA: oh! you are here already! perfect! get into the car please

AMARACHI: could you turn down the volume of the music, please!

EBUKA: Sure! (turns down the volume of the music, Amara got into the car and he drove her to a posh Hilton hotel. when he got to the car park, he switched off the ignition)
Amara, have you heard of revenge sex?

AMARACHI: yes. why?

EBUKA: I wanna have revenge sex with you. Now, listen, I am going to be straight forward with you. I love your body. I do not necessarily love you and I do not want a relationship with you or any other woman, as a matter of fact.
So I would like to spend some time with you in this hotel. precisely, I would like to have sex with you here today. How much would you charge me. Don’t be afraid to go into the million zone.

AMARACHI: who are you carrying out the revenge on?

EBUKA: my wife

AMARACHI: Did she cheat on you?

EBUKA: Stop asking too many questions. how much are you willing to charge

AMARACHI: Ebuka, I will not have sex with you. in fact, I will never have sex with you!

EBUKA: so why did you act as if you were dying to have me over the weekend? is it because I said I love only your body? who knows, love might come after sex. you never can tell! but I am an honest guy

AMARACHI: I know I may have acted cheap over the weekend. that is why I am not offended by you asking me for a paid sex. I am actually not cheap; but I understand, because I created that impression.

EBUKA: (opens his pigeon hole and brings out a bundle of 20 thousand naira) here, have this, get off my car and go back home, miss expensive!

AMARACHI: I am new here and I do not know my way around. so I will not put myself in any form of danger. drop me home or I am going no where!
and for your information, I traded my shame for the joy of the lord, e mean say I no dey shame. we fit create a crowd pulling scene here if you want. so get your filthy money off my face!

EBUKA: I don’t expect a slut like you to have any shame anyway. well, the last time I checked, you are going to be a graduate engineer in a few months from now. so I would expect you to be street wise and able to take yourself around with the help of your mobile phone. but since you are not as intelligent as you look, I will help.
so, there is something called Uber ride, call them and get yourself home!

AMARACHI: just so you know, I am an only daughter to a doting parents. if anything happens to me, they will die. so I will not enter into a stranger’s car. when you are done ranting, take this slut home!

EBUKA: okay! i will drop you to a place where you only need one taxi home, and i will put you into that taxi by myself. is that okay, madam Thatcher?

AMARACHI: It is not okay, Mr Hitler! home! home! home! or no where else!

(seeing that she was not willing to accept any other option, Ebuka decided to drive her home. when they got home, Ebuka went straight to his Xbox. but Amara walked all the way back to the junction and then got a cab back home, so that no one would know they went out together)

FUNMI: darling, food is ready

EBUKA: not hungry. thanks!

FUNMI: why are you not hungry. seriously, why not tell me exactly what I have done! why are you being wicked to me!

EBUKA: Funmi, do you want to tell me anything about you and your manager, Mr Osai?

FUNMI: ,Mr Osai? no. what about him?

EBUKA: Perfect then! (picks up his phone and started ringing Chima, his friend)

CHIMA: what’s up?

EBUKA: o boy, you dey house?

CHIMA: yes, i dey

EBUKA: i dey come your end, abeg

CHIMA: no wahala. see you!

(Ebuka walks out of the house and went to his friend’s house. when he left, Funmi picked up her phone and started ringing Calista)

CALISTA: hey my beautiful! are you alright?

FUNMI: no, i am not. did you tell my husband about Mr Osai and I?

CALISTA: (Pressed record on her phone so that their conversation is being recorded in her mobile phone)
you mean if i told him that you slept with Mr Osai?

FUNMI: Yes, did you?

CALISTA: wait wait! I don’t get it. do you mean the one I walked in on you having sex with him or the one you told me happened when you went to Ghana for training? i really don’t understand.

FUNMI: yes!! yes! did you tell him or anyone else about it, please!

CALISTA: Come on, babe! you know i would never do a thing like that to you!….

to be continued