I Really Miss You

I miss you. Every bit of you. Every ounce of you. Every touch. Every breath. Every laughter. Every kiss. My mind has been swirling like a giant hurricane, unable to comprehend the damage its causing. I rush to the top of the summit only to want to jump off for one last thrill. I sink to the bottom of the sea only to be crushed by the weight of my actions. I know I cannot change what has been, but that still doesn't stop me from thinking about the past over and over again. My mind leans towards a hopeful future, but with you? Well, sometimes with you, but then I tell myself too much wishful thinking can lead to burns if I hold on too tight. But yes, I still think about you more than I wish I did. We're coming up on half a year...and that freaks me out to think about...Time these days is...not the same...

I wish you could have been with me during these hard times because you know it hasn't been just about us. Quitting my job. Losing my best friend to suicide. Dealing with my overwhelming anxiety. All of these turmoils, as horrid as things have been, have helped me see my potential. Have helped me see my true friends and understand what love really means beyond romantic love. But I really do wish you could have been there when I sprouted from the dirt... When I finally found my courage to be myself and stop running in fear. But I do understand...I just wish...

But maybe you'll be there in the future when I've planted roots so deep that nothing can shake me. One day you'll look at me and will have to take another glance because I will have grown into such an extravagant rose bush that the thorns won't matter; this is my wish. I will always love you and will always offer home in my heart if you ever wish to return.

I miss intimate connection, period. There have been a few who have glimmered from the corner of my eye, but I know I can't be a mess and rush into things. I don't want that. I want back what we had...I guess even if it's with another person. I just want to feel loved, cherished; I have enough of that for myself, I'm not in need, but I crave that caring interaction so much. I miss showing someone affection, I miss admiring them and making them feel like a Queen. I honestly don't know what will "fix" me but I don't think I need fixing. I just need adjusting.

I'm trying to breathe, find my center, and ground deeply, but the reality of my emotions still wrap their sharp claws around me. I'm able to go on alone; I don't need anyone, but by the Gods do I want them. I just want to find deep connection again with another soul...I want to grow and be inspired...lift one another up when the world is shitty.

Beggars can't really be choosers though, can they? I don't really have a right to demand my soul mate or twin flame to come running because I don't know if I've gone through all the work I need to yet. I'm trying so hard to stay on my path, to stay in tune with my passions and desires. I'm doing everything I can these days to ascend into Unity with the Universe and understand why we're here.

Maybe it's all just an adventure...and I have to remind myself that it's about the journey, not the destination and while that may sound cliche it is absolutely true. We're all racing towards the same finish line. Why not see who can have the most fun while getting there instead of racing to the end and it being over and gone? Take that as you will. I'm taking life day by day.

Thanks for your endless support; it's always heart warming.

Amethyst