Another letter to Amanda.

Dear Amanda. I miss you and I hope you're doing well where ever you are. <3

I've been really busy with a lot of things and in some ways I feel very fortunate to be able to experience such things.

However.. I failed you again. I tried really hard to meet someone in a romantic sense and hoped to have a family some day like I know you wanted..

But.. I'm about out of hope. I haven't 100% given up, I keep a little spark of hope alive, hoping some day I'll meet someone like you again..
Though in all reality, I don't think it's going to happen. I don't think I'm ever going to fall in love agin. I think I'm about done.

None of the other women I fell for stayed true to the reason why I fell for them, they all decided they didn't like me enough at some point and slept with other men without even telling me, I found out every time.

And these days.. I can barely even have a conversation for more than a couple days with someone anymore before they ignore me or abandon me cause of one wrong thing I said or whatever.

I'm getting older, uglier, and it's so bad I almost don't even care anymore..
Plus.. My OCD and lack of money.. I'm just in a bad situation with a lot of issues I don't think I can fix in time, or that I can fix ever.

This morning my mind was trying to be like.. "Hey.. Remember me? I'm you.. Your ego.. Remember all those dreams we had? Don't you still want to do all that?"
And I basically said yes I do, but it's most likely not going to happen and I turned those thoughts off.

Why keep suffering from the lack of a love I'm never going to recieve?
Might as well just stop caring. Stop trying. Fuck almost everyone except for you and my friends and family and the other people in the world who actually do genuinely care.

Seems like almost everyone on this planet is fake and they only care about themselves.
You were different though, and I don't think it's just because you were facing your morality in such extreme ways while most people were starting their lives.

However.. I do think that's one reason I fell so strongly for you.. Because you knew how precious life was..
You didn't seem like the person to me who would just throw someone away cause they weren't meeting your expectations. You seemed like someone who would communicate and talk and try to work through things..

Looking through your pictures again just made me cry.. I don't understand why anyone should ever have to experience what you went through.
I don't udnerstand why I'm still here and you're not.. If anything you should be here instead.

You seemed like the person who knew how much this all matters, and that you would fight and try and work with someone to do the right thing.
I've never experienced that since you left.. All I've experienced is having my trust and heart broken and being abandonded.

So.. I'm sorry to tell you that.. I don't have much faith in that dream anymore.
I tried really hard, my tears soak my face right now, they've soaked my bed and pillows and many things.

Though.. I can't keep the illusion alive, there's most likely no one out there for someone as fucked up as me.
I need to just get comfortable being alone. Some people just aren't lucky enough to experience that kind of stuff.

However.. Even if I never meet someone again and never have a family.. Just knowing you for the half a year I did.. Even just that one walk with you in person.. And.. That one hug at the end.. That made my entire life worth it.

It's okay if I don't do that other stuff I wanted to do, many people don't get to do that stuff.. But.. At least I got to meet you. You showed me that not all women are cruel.. That there was at least one woman out there who gave me a real chance... And for that.. I endlessly thank you, and I endlessly thank you for your kindness and love and beauty.

Also.. You know.. So many people have told me in my life.. "Hey.. Once you stop trying it'll happen". And while that saying doesn't make a lot of sense to me.. Maybe there's something to it.. Maybe if I stop trying it'll happen. Though.. I doubt it.. I'm sure not trying will make it even more difficult.. Though.. At this point.. Might as well try not trying!

Additionally.. Even the guy with no legs and no arms was able to meet a beautiful woman and have a child..
If someone with no arms and no legs can do it, maybe I can too. Maybe I will get lucky and meet someone else again some day who is sort of like you.

To repeat.. I'm not 100% giving up. I still check the dating sites, I go through the motions.. I try to leave the options open.

Just very demoralized lately, especially when I see all the women who abandoned me happy with their new men and either married already or on their way to be soon.

They all made me think I mattered, and that we could have a meaningful long lasting connection some day..
But none of them meant it, none of them even had the kindness to let me know they gave up on me. I had to find out myself each time and then I was the bad guy for being heart broken by what I found.

Anyways.. Okay.. Now that we're passed that part.. The main other thing I want to talk about is mostly the contest I've been doing.

I think I probably mentioned it to you in my last letter. It's been amazing.. It's changed my life.. I've probably never had more fun in my life outside of the time I spent with you.

In fact.. Maybe it's better for humanity that I suffer alone, I may never have created the IFC otherwise..

And I feel like.. This idea has.. Almost unending potential.. Even without a money element, it's an incredible idea! But with the money element.. Wow.

Though as it is right now.. There's a lot of money floating around looking for an idea like mine, and.. One of my main goals is to get this idea funded.

If I can find a good sponsor.. This could be epic. I have my eyes on one and I'm going to write up a proposal soon. Hopfully it is accepted cause if it is.. It will be epic!

I've had so many people tell me that our game has helped them in some way.. Whether to learn something new, or make friends or to have fun, etc.

And.. We're stil pretty small! We probably had less than 100 players our first season and we have a lil less than 200 people on our discord.. Imagine what that will be like if we ever get thousands of people in the community..?

To me.. Hearing one person say they had fun or learned something or made a friend is way more valuable to me than money.

I'm absolutely loving this adventure Amanda.. It's so fulfilling to be able to help people with a unique lil idea I had.. I wish I could bottle that feeling up and give it to people.. I think the world would be a much more peaceful place.

Yet.. The implications of this idea can go so much deeper.. What if we got our own cryptocurrency some day?

What if thousands of people were playing our game and buying and selling and trading with each other in The Marketplace using that coin?

So many people are trying to do something like this.. They are trying to create virtual economies with digital monies that can be used concordingly with physical goods and property.
And we did it.. On a small scale! But.. We did it. We did what so many people are trying to do, now if we can just grow it.. I have a feeling it will be amazing in ways I couldn't even predict, this whole since has already been amazing in ways I never predicted.

Even if I never fall in love again.. I get such an incredible amount of happiness and fulfillment from this game, that.. It's okay, I'll make that trade.

I sacrifice much of my personal life in order to help many other peoples personal lives.. Would much rather do that than spending my time in so many other more hedonistic/selfish ways.

As much as I wanted to have that be a part of my life and to experience that kind of love and stuff.. Oh well.. At least I get to experience so many other great things I got to experience.. Like this game, and.. Meeting you.

Please don't be sad.. I'll be okay.. I'm a tough one.. A glutton for punishment. Gimme all the bad omens.. And I'll make a totem. <3

Look forward to seeing you before too much longer. -Love Paul.