THE SOCIETY MADE ME GUILTY

I wouldn't say my parents were partial, but I would say they were not fair, maybe it's because I was the boy child, or perhaps I was seen as faultless. I could recall those days when I was still in the hostel at high School; those days we were about to leave home for the dormitory at the beginning of each school term, my parents would always give me a few bars of soap, a tin of milk and tea, detergent and toiletries, unlike my sister, who would always receive double of my portion, mom had always told me it was because 'she is a girl', she never knew I longed for such care as well. Before we left home for our different schools, my parents would engage my sister in an extensive talk, which were often hidden from me, whenever I asked them what was told to my sister, they would always teasingly tell me to go and ask her myself. These things really hurt me, but mom had said 'I am a boy', thus I gave less attention to them even when they kept surging up in my mind.

I remember the day mom came back from work and met my sister in the house with a boy, her class mate, the stern warning which met such visit was appalling; 'if you become pregnant you will leave this house, how many times have I warned you to keep away from boys?', she had reprimanded her. But it was different the day one of my admirers at school, a very beautiful damsel with gap tooth paid me a surprise visit. Mom had received her with great pleasure, 'Loveday, you have a beautiful friend', she said when she left, the only reprimand I could recall mom ever gave me was to tell me to be careful of HIV and thereby handing me some packets of condom now that I am 'coming of age'.

Back in school, it was not different any way, there was a day I joined some bad seeds to peer into a girl skirt, when the issue was reported to the principal, we were thoroughly beaten but the girl was not spared either, she was flogged for not closing her legs while in class, which I kept on wondering how much a girl could close her legs even when putting on a pinafore and sitting in a classroom with boys intentionally bending low to peer into her panties. When I found out that I was more of a 'girls' boy' than a hardworking student, I asked myself if I was really the cause. But many a time, I got no answers for these questions.

Once, mom had come back from work when we entered university after our first semester's break to see my me, my friend and my sister arguing football, she called and warned her strictly that such discourse wasn't meant for girls, telling her to go and help in kitchen work, since then I had always felt I was the man in charge even when my sister was apparently my elder in all perspectives. I grew up with these notions of superiority and dictatorial lifestyle. I quite remember the first day I had sex, it was with my first girl friend, I took her to my home at a time I knew only my sister was at home, which of course I knew she wouldn't dare tell it to anyone. When entered the room and when I started advancing at her, she resisted. Her resistance was met with great fury and anger such that I had to whip her to succumb.

Now I kept on wondering if I am at fault or whether the society made me who I am, I feel guilty most times for being a boy, I feel rejected at times, I feel I wasn't given all the training I ever needed, and now I keep on wondering of the society or I, am at fault. Surely, the boy child needs attention and care, the boy child needs extensive talks from the parents, the boy child deserves to be loved and cared for…