Notes of a Suicide (Part One)

My name is Nicolás C. To truly know and understand why I cry and why I am about to throw myself from this bridge, we have to go back to past. Who was a loving father, an exemplary husband, an excellent worker, now is about to kill himself...

I am a member of the fire department with 15 years of service and currently in charge of the group of paramedics who work in the command.

What happened to my life? I do not know, little by little, I was losing the things I had and everything I had even built for so many years. My wife cut me off, I still think it was because we lost our daughter, Luciana.

She died of an illness, and when we realized it, it was just too late to make something to save her life, it was difficult, the leukemia killed her fragile body so quickly. I think that made us break, it certainly took us away from each other.

The love was diminishing, the alcohol was consuming us. My job, suspended and stripped off from my position. I am living alone and every day I fell immersed in alcohol, sometimes I stumble over the disorder that lies in my home. I get up and my face might be on top of my own vomit, the rent becomes difficult to pay and, to be honest, I decided that I must die.

That's why it was 6:35 am and it could be said that it was the last thoughts of a dying man, it was the tears before dying, the fear of the unknown, of not knowing what will be felt when his body hits the water, if he will survive or he will die drowned. It is the joy of not suffering more for the life it leads, it is to put an end to the debacle, to the disaster that surrounds him, it is the last breath.

At that time our friend Nicolas heard a strong braking and turned to see the impact of a vehicle against one of the concrete bases, he ran to relief, although he certainly was sad for not being able to put an end to his own life.

I felt the beset necessity to reach there, I know it was my vocation and duty what was calling me and urging me to do it. When I saw her, I noticed that it was the body of a young woman about 30 years old. Few minutes before dawn, people ran to rescue her, the despair of those who arrived and the cry of many, the most of them talked about the possibility that the young woman had died, is that the mere fact of seeing the conditions in which the car remain was enough to take for granted t such unfortunate fact. I started to break and put aside the window panes and the forward felt that was cutting me so deep, but I quickly realized that it was only the despair to save the woman.

When I touched her neck, I noticed that she was in shock, but still had vital signs, her breathing was slow and her face hit the glass, the blood she had lost was too much, but I managed to get her out of the vehicle, and then I applied first aid. I noticed that her pulse was going down, I decided to give her cardiopulmonary resuscitation and coughing, a blood clot hit my face, but she could come to herself, I stood up and then thinking out loud I said.

“When trying to lose my life, I saved one more instead, isn’t it ironic?”

The sun came out and my gaze was fixed to the sky, losing itself in the clouds, the dawn was seen and the aid was seen to arrive, the girl was taken in an ambulance and her hand did not want to release mine, she was under the influence of alcohol. Her voice was weak, she asked me not to leave her alone. Quickly, she was taken to the nearest hospital and she was attended to emergencies.

Sitting in the waiting room, Dr. Richard G. questioned me, he was thinking I was her husband.

“Mr. Nicolas, I ask you to join us. I'm afraid there are some questions that you should answer...” Dr. Richard G. said with a raspy voice.

“Sure,” I responded.

“First of all, are you a relative or Miss Alicia's husband?”

“I’m really not. I am just a stranger who was at the exact moment in which the incident occurred. Luckily for her, at least this moribund could manage to do one last thing to save her life.”

“What kind of things? Can you be more specific, Mr. Nicolas?”

“It’s nothing… I just know she could have saved my life too, perhaps it is like that.”

“Anyway, I'm afraid you have to undergo some tests. I think you really do not know about the true condition of the girl.”

“What do you mean? And why should I get medical exams? As far as I know, I am a healthy man.”

“I do not know how to start telling you this, but you, who were her savior, may not be the lucky one. These cuts are very deep, I hope your wounds has not made contact with the blood of Miss Alicia. I do not know if her relatives know it yet, but she is HIV+.”

“What? But she’s so young!”

I could not assimilate the fact that a woman so beautiful, young and that conveys everything opposite to my current self, could be found in conditions even worse than mine. After all, maybe I was not the only one who wanted to die that morning.

I went to the office, I underwent the tests, and then I decided to go and talk with the girl.

Her name was Alicia S. She asked me to pass.

“Why didn’t you let me die?” She asked me questions between tears and left in evidence a choked voice that seemed to claim a quick death. I certainly felt sorry for her, and at the same time guilty, how could I compensate her for the damage I have done? What a trick of fate, two people wanting to die and life simply doesn’t leave them. The fact of her saving my life and I hers, when the death was our only apparent way out.

...The silence prevailed in the cold bed until the girl between sobs broke it again.

“Ha! I must confess it, my life is a complete piece of shit, I guess I didn’t even succeed in killing myself. Wrong decisions and a very active nightlife just to fill a void that cheered me up just at the moment that a casual fuck lasted,” She pronounced with irony while looking at my deep cuts. “I guess I'm an angel of death who wasn’t permitted to enter hell,” She ventured while licking her lips and then she cleaned her teeth.

Thoughtful, I noticed that between tears and their claims not to let her die, her life was a complete disaster, so similar to mine. I did not deserve to continue breathing, those words resonated in my head, deep down I suppose that I somehow understood how she was feeling at that very moment.

Despite all the bad, I watched at the clock and I realized it was 3.00pm, I broke the silence and dared to ask a more personal question.

“Do you want to call some of your relatives? I suppose you have someone who cares about you.”

“Well, yes, find my purse, there is a napkin with a number, dial the number. It's my sister's number. I just hope that this time I will not get saturated with her typical reproaches...”

When I checked her bag, I found a napkin with a note written with some color blue crayon, and a phone number. When dialing his sister's number, Pablo answered me, a man with a serious voice but when I told him about what happened, he got a little hectic and told me that he would notify his wife right away.

When arriving the relatives, they extended the hand to me and thanked for saving the life of the girl, I took them to the room where Alicia was and I said goodbye to her.

“Does it exist any possibility of seeing you again or are you like the others?” She ventured with a somewhat pessimistic tone.

“Well, I work at the city’s fire station, I'm the chief of paramedics. You can ask for me whenever you are in the command,” I responded while writing my number on the back of her napkin.

I came out somewhat depressed for such a day. I waited for the bus and finally went back to my house.

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