Day three - Post-Disaster Fallout - Breaking Up #4
BELIEVE IN US - #Aelyn (With lyrics)
It's day 3. I'm awake. I'm still thinking, replaying, over and over and over again, the moment the love in my life for over 10 years says he wants his freedom.
I'm still shaking. I'm exhausted.
But more than any of that, so much more important than that, I still believe in US.
Today started with him bringing me a cup of tea. We'd slept in separate rooms. I want to give him some time and I figured that cramping him, being in his space will only drive him further away right now. He needs to breathe, without me. I have to let him. If I don't he will stay under duress and blame me always or he'll leave without once looking back and I've lost everything.
This is now a game of tactics. Well, it's not a game, definitely not one I'd choose to play. It's more like an intricate dance, making sure I place my feet in the right place, don't push the lead, don't tread on toes, keep my poise and posture, and if I dance well, I dance enough, I'll win the prize.
I stayed out of his way as he readied for work but he kept popping in to say things, unimportant things. I'm winning. My dancing is getting stronger. I'm literally finding my feet.
As he was about to leave for work he hugged me and we spoke briefly about telling his family. I could see it pained him but hey! it was his decision. As he hugged me again I held him close, I whispered "I love you", then I walked away. I heard him say "I love you too." A smile crawled under my skin. It didn't make it to my face, but in that one moment I knew I was gaining ground.
Through the day he called, text, called, text at every opportunity and I revelled in it.
Then he was home again. Once again I went to the spare room out of the way. Once again he sought me out. We talked briefly about things he needed to organise for when he left and then he said the best thing I've heard so far in the last four days.
Looking so sad but so determined he said "You know, I might get there, have some time and decide I really want to be here. You never know."
He wasn't teasing. His body language showed his own confusion.
It was at that moment I realised... not only had he been struggling at the same time I had, but we took our struggles away from each other. Not only had he been rejecting me because of his insecurities, but because of mine. No only had he grown distant, but so had I. Wrapped up as we were in lives that are busy, full of tasks and other people, we forgot somehow that we should be doing it together. We forgot to talk. We forgot to care... and we forgot to say "I love You" in everything we do.
Now I knew this. Now I could see, we were on a dark road but there were lights ahead. I knew I could make it back. WE could make it back to each other.
I'm sure he saw that all flash across my face as he leaned on the door frame, looking into my eyes, looking into my soul.
I stood and kissed him gently on the cheek and said "I believe in us."
I cried once he closed the door, but not without hope this time, just for the sadness that we lost our way. But for now, tomorrow is most definitely another day to dance.
number 3, with video, here
number 2 here
number 1 here
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I have always been the one to try to hold on. To try to make relationships work. Sometimes you just have to give up and walk away. When only one person believe in the us, there is no us anymore.
I know it sucks and hurts . I’m dealing with it now. Seems like a few of us are on here ( check out posts from @anonymity5 ) but just remember that what is meant to be will be.
I feel for you and anyone going through any kind of breakup. At my age its a given that its happened a few times. Each time has to be assessed on it's own merit though. I usually get my dog and my suitcase and walk or get pushed out. Sometimes though the right thing to do is to fight for that love. The hard part isn't the fighting for or letting go. The hard part is knowing when to do either. I hope you're getting through ok and things do get better, that much i do know.
I want to keep fighting for it , but it’s just pushing him away further. I don’t even think that friendship is there anymore . Actually I know it’s not. So at this point I just let it go. Probably what I should have done from the beginning. It’s heartbreaking to feel this way and even worse when you start questioning if he ever really loved you.
Oh been there my friend and made an utter fool of myself. So not this time. I'm going to try but I'll quit if there's no progress. I'm never going through that again. It's early days here though and it's easier to quit day one but if we can find a way back the harder road will be worth it. There's no handbook, no guidance anyone can give because no one knows what two people really do or don't have except them... sometimes even they don't know. Only advice I'd share is don't stay until you hate each other because you will feel worthless and no one deserves that <3 and there is life after relationships.
I know. And I think if he just would have said I still love you , or I still want you , or I don’t want to lose you as a friend or fought .... not even ... just showed that e cared and it wasn’t all fake . That would have made a world of difference . Maybe he didn’t know how to deal with it. Maybe he thought this was the easier way ? I don’t even know anymore. But the two times in my almost 40 years I thought I was in love . Real, true, deep love, it didn’t work out. So maybe I’m the one who really doesn’t understand love. Maybe I’m the one that got this all wrong . I don’t even know anymore. All I know is that I had to step back and let things be. I had to step back and let him find his happiness elsewhere. Which it seems like he found someone he really likes . I don’t think she will ever be able to look at him with the love I have for him. The love I’ll always have for him, but for his sake I hope she eventually does.
Well if its any consolation (but it won't be I know) I'm nearer 60 than 50 and made one loooooong mistake early years and had a great love for a long while after that but at 10 yrs we split...(this time its 11 and the longest I've managed!) We just started fighting and it just kept getting worse. We are friends now, ironically to the point I has his wife asking my advice when he started getting aggressive again to the point they're all ok now. I feel your pain, truly. I thought this time was forever. I don't relish starting over at my age but if I have to I will. Perhaps you love too much. I've been told that and it's not as good as it seems. I can't comment. Only you know you. As for me... you will be able to see how it unfolds... good or bad. It's "therapy" for me to write and may help or at the very least amuse others. If I could figure out how to use chat on here I would but old brain doesnt digest like it used to ;) Take care of yourself ... the rest will follow in time.
You read my mind . I do love too much . Which is not good. I don’t love often , and I’m not that easy to love . So when someone breaks that barrier and tears down that wall , and I fall in love , I’m all in. Unconditionally and wholeheartedly! Unfortunately, not everyone is the same way. I fell in love with a friend. We were always just friends that occasionally spoke to each other for over 5 or 6 years . Never anything inappropriate as I was married. But my husband moved out and we were working out details of my divorce. ( over many months ) . That’s the time we got closer and fell in love. Unfortunately with kids involved , it was complicated . My life is complicated even aside from my marriage . There were a lot of things he would have to deal with. More issues than he needed. I tried to make it clear to him that it would be difficult. He didn’t care . He wanted to be in my life no matter what. He said he would wait ( even up to 4 years ) for me to figure everything out. In the meantime , I told my husband it was definitely over . Told my family my marriage was over . Spoke to my kids about divorce and what results from divorce. While I was doing this , he decided to move. Follow his dreams . he met someone in this new country when he was visiting months ago. He decided he wants to be happy and can’t wait for me to maybe never figure things out. He wanted something real .
Little did he know , I was already putting things into place to be with him, and he moved on. He didn’t say it at first . He just became distant and seemed angry all the time. Then when I pushed it out of him , he told me. I kept trying to hard and chasing him . Trying to keep him in my life in whatever capacity I could . But the harder I tried the more I pushed him away. So I finally give up. And have a lot of things to work out in my life.
My marriage or divorce. My children . My family. I uprooted my entire life to take a chance and I guess I waited too long bc he moved on.
Now I haven’t spoken to him in a while and I feel like maybe he never really loved me at all.
Thats so sad. Im with my son later ... I'll get him to show me how to chat on this.