Spaced out or whatever else you want to call it!!

As I am writing this, I am blank, confused, bored, frustrated and angry.. All of it at the same time.. It amazes me how all of these monstrous emotions come riding in at the same damn time.. I think I need a change.. I have felt that way for some time now.. I haven’t done anything about it though..

The sun and rain have been playing hide and seek for too long now.. Just rain, will you?, is what I'm thinking.. Clouds looming large with little hope of rain doesn't help my state of mind in any way.. Some days I wake up hopeful while most days I am up sad and lost.. I am sad why?? I don’t know.. Does it bother me?? News flash: If it didn’t I wouldn’t be here, writing to analyze.. It sucks really, it does..

This is not the very first time that it has happened to me.. The last time it happened…errr, I don’t remember.. That is strange and not usual.. Why am I so obsessed with finding something to complete me?? Why?? WHY?? I thought I was working on my assignment.. Yes, I was, except that, I don’t do it as often as I should be.. I have small spells of activity followed by annoyingly long bouts of inactivity and nothingness.. It shouldn’t be that way if I was good at it or as passionate about it.. I thought I was.. I think I am.. But nothingness?? It’s the ‘nothingness’ that bothers me.. It’s painful, not knowing what you are after.. Or knowing what you are after, but beating round the bush for no apparent reason.. OR having a reason and still beating round the bush.. WHATEVER!!

Don’t get me wrong.. I think of myself as someone in control, always.. Okay, most times.. While on most days, with most things, I like to ‘go with the flow’; it’s the big things I like to be in control of.. Say career, for example.. If I could, I’d do everything to be on the top... But I can’t.. There in lies the core of the problem.. Too many issues.. Very few answers.. I don’t want to get there.. You don’t want to know.. It's a spiral.. A confusing hopeless spiral.. I wish I knew what way it went - up or down.. From where I am, I can't make sense of it.. All I think I know is that I AM LOST.. SO DAMN LOST..

There are so many things I want to do.. All at the same time.. Learn Kannada.. Or Tullu.. Actually both.. Ride my bike.. Go swimming.. Live in the Melbourne, Australia.. Oh yes, visit most of the places.. Someone please take me to Australia with them!! TAKE ME.. And here I am, already done with a most of my life, with accomplishments I could count with my fingers.. No, I am not all about success and 'up-the-ladder' jazz.. I like to have fun.. I HAVE HAD FUN.. Life has been kind.. Very kind.. It's just that right now, I feel that instead of living my life, I'm just aimlessly wandering in it.. I feel placid, like a heart that never races or a river that never overflows..

I see myself somewhere else, as a better version of myself.. I see myself in a place more beautiful and in a state far more rewarding.. That is where I am doing what I want to do, minus the ifs-and-buts.. That is where I am living the good life (the kind that I dream of, on a sub-conscious level).. Oh, I see myself there and can’t wait to start living that life and I can’t just now and so….OH MY GOD!! I get it, the frustration!! I am thinking of far far ahead because I can see it so clearly and I want it.. Like, now.. Which of course, isn’t how the law of the universe works.. (Core of the problem, no?) So I go and be sad..

Mental note: Reshuffle list of wants/needs/must-dos/shut-your-face.. Not just think about 'The Better Place' but, work towards it.. (I could dream about it though) 

As Miley Cyrus would scream,

‘There’s always gonna be another mountain,

I’m always gonna wanna make it move..

Always gonna be an uphill battle,

Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose.. 

Ain’t about how fast I get there,

Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side..

IT’S THE CLIMB!!’ 

So lame really, but don't blame me.. The law of the universe are at work here.. Sigh!!

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