My is life spent at home passing time like a prisoner paying jailtime for doing an evil crime
the Internet somewhat gives me freedom to roam.
You would not imagine how many years I had spent my day inside this house, I couldn't even fathom how much time was lost for me to enjoy my life to the full. Well maybe you had leaned about me from the past where I am always tell the world my world and what happened during my childhood when my health condition were not apparent until now that great changes for both good and bad and the things that even in my worst nightmares didn't came but nonetheless went tangible which made my life of what it is today. To really sum it all, I was just like waiting for a bus that never came and when it did, it is all too late right from the start, so much so that I would not even stand a chance even if came sooner because of the circumstances beyond my control.
Life had been hard right from the start where I was already sick before I was even born. Diagnosed with mild epilepsy at a sensitive early age, I guess that the medicine that my Neurologist had prescribed also had changed my character as a person like being quiet and reserved most of the time, very shy and really not being outgoing for the reason of my anxiety being with people or even hanging-out with acquaintances and friends which affected my life although I guess that it is still good if my fate didn't end-up like this for the reason that I still am wanting to make positive changes in my life. But what like I said, I spent most of the time waiting for things to clear-up particularly with my ill-health but improvements never came because of the gravity of my Kidney condition which my one of my early nephrologist says that will recur even if I would get a transplant. The virus in my liver also complicated things which is why I never received a sensible treatment for my ailing Kidneys back then which is why we went back and forth to the big hospital in Manila only for monitoring, prescribed only with a sensible hypertension medication aiming to prolong the life of my Kidneys and then the vitamins which didn't do anything about the health of the Kidneys until my mother and I decided to stop going to the hospital and after that I sunk my head in the sand trying to just ignore the problem like I was closing the blinds of a window overseeing the beach where at the distance a huge Tsunami wave is coming, I already resigned myself what difficulty which I would face next.
It is hard to grow up with a weak body, I couldn't even get myself to gain some more body mass when I was younger because I am not quite aware that a brewing sickness is already steering my life into hopelessness. I had said that because my Kidney condition requires a very long time to get treated and we do not have any money for sustaining that since without my knowledge, my father himself is also helping other people too as those people used his inherent "very kind" traits which in many ways affected our family's already weak financial capability. Now a weak body just means there is a cause behind it of course and in my case the weak body means that it affected my cognitive performance which I later discovered upon assessing what happened all throughout my schooling years where I tried to achieve more but because there is already a problem inside me, it went to its course until I abruptly stopped going to College because for one thing I am already struggling with my advanced Kidney disease, being subjected to a radical no-salt diet imposed by my family where if I didn't abide by they will scorn me, and then finally I couldn't concentrate anymore about learning because of the mix of these things and more.
Stopping going to College will be the sign that I can never venture out to do more things for me. It means lesser opportunity to make money where I tried and maybe continuing my mother's variety store business which I also have some products which I am selling until I physically can't do it anymore. Of course with no money and no more physical capability to earn it I basically got confined within my house, at first I can still walk around, I can even walk far distances, I attended church physically too even b being a dialysis patient. It never occurred to me that those years of mobility were numbered. Physical changes happened and then that is it, I am now a prisoner of my own house and had been staying here except if it is nor my dialysis schedule ever since. The bad thing is that I am a heavy burden to my parents due to my immobility although I am not a headache to them when it comes to finances which in my life one of the things I won over beyond my expectations when it coms to savings and daily earnings but the world is round and I can still find myself in trouble as a given possibility to happen because this world of ours now had been facing a mess which now had grown where even the climate is making us all feel how the powers that be had been misusing this world including the majority of people below them so now it has been very hard to live now particularly of you do not have some means to fight it off to protect yourself in being affected so much.
Anyway as for my life's status, it is always bleak, I fear the morrow that will come, I fear the future but I also want it to come as it will reveal what my goal will be like. But like a consumed candle by time, I hate to realize that I missed out on life and is just spending my life with the love and care and company of my parents which will be more hard for me considering that I had stayed with them for an extended period of time and breaking that status will definitely cause some form of big emptiness and longing in my life realizing that no people can ever do what they are doing for me. Although that the bible teaches us not to cling to the things in this world and aim for the good life with God in heaven, it is still painful to part with people who you love particularly if my loss or their loss would affect both of our lives. Of course it would have been better if my life not ended like this, but this is life and I must stay strong in all fronts despite that many odds had been against me, so I will just try to survive and trust God in what he can do for both me and my parents.
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