Money and fear
During the ayahuasca retreat in Perú I had realised that the main cause of the eczema outbreaks I was suffering from in recent years, was fear. Fear of many things but especially of the unknown. Fear to take steps that were long overdue.
In the almost 3 months since the retreat ended I shed lots of kilos which were the manifestation of irrational fears in my body. I gave most of my old clothes away on my journey across Latin America, because my shorts were sliding down if I only thought about putting a wallet with more that two coins in my pocket. Some of the shirts and jumpers we’re looking like I was wearing a tent.
I don’t know how many kilos I’ve lost, because quite honestly I couldn’t care less. If I look in the mirror today I’m content with what I see and I don’t need anybody to like me for my looks.
I didn’t change my diet or done much exercise – with climbing Machu Picchu in February being the exception, maybe. I’m still eating all the amazing foods the world has to offer and I wouldn’t even think about giving up alcohol, because there are too many beers I still haven’t tried!
The only diet I went on was a ‘no fear‘ diet in which I did face many of the irrational fears that had been manipulating me on a daily basis for far too long. Be it ending up in a Colombian city I hadn’t planned on visiting and arriving with no plan whatsoever, speaking Spanish with locals or taking salsa classes and dance in front of other people.
Ayahuasca has given me the courage to face all this, although it scared the crap out of me as usual. She gave me the courage to travel 5 Latin American countries alone, to ride local buses in which I felt like a circus attraction, being the only foreigner. She gave me the courage to finally fulfill one of my biggest teenage dreams almost 20 years later, which was to get hair extensions with rastas.
She gave me the courage to ask my wife for separation after our relationship had been more like a great friendship for years and the fear to lose this friendship altogether was unjustified too, because we’re even better friends now!
Ayahuasca gave me the courage to tell another girl how I feel about her, which also scared me to death. Well, this one doesn’t talk to me ever since but I had to take my chance! It’s not the result that’s important but that we give our best every single day!
To sum it up, over the past 3 months I have probably faced and conquered most of the fears in existence, however the one that still remains is one that is rooted deeply... The fear of not having enough... Especially money!
I’d suppose that most Europeans who always had their most basic needs met and never had to worry about survival as such would have a similarly underactive root chakra and could relate, being put in a similar situation.
Especially since I decided to deliberately miss my flight back to Colombia and stay in Mexico long term, I have been struggling financially with my funds slowly going towards zero and not having a return flight to Germany booked.
The last 2 weeks, starting around the time when I had less than 30 euros in local currency in my pocket, my mind gave me a real hard time. I already imagined myself begging in the street without a cent for food or accommodation and I desperately started trying to establish an online business over night – with little success, obviously.
Funnily enough, I wasn’t even running out of cash yet and I still had enough food for a couple of days when, suddenly, some eczema bubbles popped up on my hands again.
The scariest day was this week, when I was down to just 20 pesos and I couldn’t afford a freshly pressed orange juice in the morning. Since I’m kind of a regular in that store by now though, the owner offered me to take the juice anyway and to pay for it whenever I would have the money, which I reluctantly accepted.
I had just gotten another amazing example of human kindness and trust and I find those kinds of situations very valuable lessons with regards to the status we give to money in Germany. Money is undoubtedly an important part of human existence and having more definitely makes things easier but when it’s absence causes disease then something is not quite right. This is why I will keep facing the fear and whenever I come into money, I will keep spending it, because that’s what it’s there for. I will keep enjoying life just like yesterday, when I sold a personal item for 100 pesos and and went to eat tacos and treated myself to a beer right away rather than buying the cheapest beans and a pack of 20 tortillas at Walmart.
When I bought my fresh orange juice this morning I was again down to 2.50 pesos... Money comes and goes.
The more often I do this, the less it scares me.