The FUD I Face In My Studies

alvinauh (69)in #blog • 5 years ago

Before I begin, I would like to clarify that I am not looking for sympathy. Steemit has always been somewhat of a journal to me and I hope to look back at this time one day and laugh. I have been thinking of writing this for some time now and hopefully, you dear readers can understand why I am not posting as much and why if you know me in real life, I may seem a bit distant.

Like most of the Cryptocurrency market and Steemit, I am facing some FUD (Fear, Uncertainty & Doubt) of my own. You see, two years ago at this, I have decided to take up a scholarship to complete my Ph.D. in a field that I have no experience in. I did so with an overinflated sense of confidence, thinking that I would be able to complete it. As I neared the end of my Ph.D. journey, I am faced with a lot of Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt.

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Fear

Many people wonder what is there to fear, after all, if I fail, I fail. True, that would be fine if there was no scholarship involved. However, being on scholarship, I would be penalized with a rather hefty sum if I do not complete my Ph.D. on time. The sum total of my penalty is approximately 43,000 USD.

Thus, it is quite a big deal for me if I do not complete my Ph.D. and pass it. In addition, I fear that the 190 pages & 60,000 words that make up my thesis may be utter rubbish. This would mean that everything that I have worked for for the last 2 years was for nothing.

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Uncertainty & Doubt

The whole uncertainty and doubt stem from the fact that I am walking the majority of this journey alone. Unlike my Masters or my undergrad days, you have a class of friends to help you through the assignments. The Ph.D. journey, on the other hand, is awfully lonely.

I spend most of my days searching through journals and books for information. Once I have synthesized that information and made my conclusions, I have to look for information to confirm that I did not mess up. The cycle continues and every day basically becomes a blur.

As much as I think that I have done enough to make sure that I am on the right track, there is a nagging feeling that I am missing something. Furthermore, it does not help that the administration at my university may run me through a gauntlet of bureaucracy, causing me to not graduate on time. In a nutshell, I am not sure if I am on the right track and I fear that the institution that I study at may cause me to graduate later than my designated time.

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Conclusion

Many have told me that things would be ok, I hope so, but I don't see how. I do hope that I have done enough to prepare for that dreaded day when I defend my work in front of a panel. But, before that day comes, please excuse my depressing thoughts, my unkempt facial hair and my long hair too. I have to look the part =)