The Club That No One Talks About

Life is so strange sometimes.

Every once in a while I will think on my past and just how long ago it felt like. Being a child is such a foreign concept to me, as it feels like it happened an entire lifetime ago. Yet when I think about getting to my parent's age, in my 60s, thinking about 30 years into the future seems like another lifetime. That literally encompasses nearly every moment I have lived and then some. What is most strange to me however, is how finite everything is. While, after we die, we may come to discover some strange 5th dimension in which time is linear and everything is happening at the same time, right now, as I see it, everything happens in little clubs. At a certain age, you belong to a certain club, but only for a certain period of time. Once that time is up, you are kicked out of the club and forced into a new one. It's a strange feeling.

This has been a pressing issue on my mind, because I feel stuck in the middle of a strange transition, and being booted out of a club long before I ever thought I would have to be. I feel like an outsider looking in, and it's a weird feeling.

My first understanding of this club mentality was after I left high school. What I didn't understand while attending (because all I wanted to do was graduate and become an adult) was that high school was an amazingly awesome club. This wasn't because of popularity (puhlease) or any other vain reasons, but merely because I now see that for me at least, high school was a perfect mix of carefree independence and subtle responsibilities. After graduating, I had left that club, and with that, inherited a slew of new bullshit. Yay hooray for adulting. (If you are reading this and you are still in high school, hug your parents and enjoy the awesomeness that is your life right now!)

College is less of a finite club because so many people are in and out of it at different ages. Whereas high school primarily only serves 14-19 year olds, anyone and everyone can attend college. My experience with this was very disjointed, as I lived in a dorm for a short while at a major university, then went to a community college with mostly young people, then went to another university, where I had an interesting mix of younger and older generations.

So Beth, where are you going with all this club talk?

Well, for me, a club that I didn't know meant so much to me is the baby club, the fertility club if you will. See, the fertility club is like the Fight Club, nobody talks about it. That's like the first rule. There are many reasons for this, all which make perfect sense, but while it is something that is just acknowledged by people, it isn't something that is talked about.

Most women my age (at 32 yrs old) still belong to the fertility club. Whether or not they have chosen to have children, is completely irrelevant, for the opportunity is always there.

I had a complete hysterectomy in May of this year, and while I figured I would be A- Ok with it all, seeing as though I already have 3 children, I have found that to be largely false.

I am used to pain. Physical pain haunts me daily. The pain from the surgery eventually went away, and even after an MS relapse caused by the surgery, I bounced back physically. What I didn't expect was the extraordinary and profound sense of loss I felt not belonging to this special group anymore. I realized I would never hold a newborn again, or smell their sweet baby head. I wouldn't feel a tiny kick ever again, or lay awake at night wondering what color hair they'd have.

Even though another child would very likely NEVER have happened, when the door was still open, I just felt different. Being part of the club meant there was always a chance that anything could happen. Being kicked out was like being kicked in the gut, literally and proverbially. It is certainly something that women should know going into the procedure. It's like having something really sacred and special taken away from you.

I am nearly 6 months out of the club, and I don't feel any more hopeful. I still feel saddened by my sense of loss, and also find it more difficult to connect with those my age, who are still part of the club, whom most are. I know this merely means that I am part of a new club: the "never having to worry about getting pregnant club". That's a cool club too I suppose, and one that I know many men wish their partners could belong to, but I can't help but feel like it's just one step closer to the "one foot in the grave" club and the others that follow with getting older.

Anyway, just some insight into my thoughts lately. It has been a fairly grueling year so far. Hopefully I will soon acclimate to my non-membership. Heh.

Hope you are all doing well. Thanks for reading!

• Beth