100% honesty ramble most likely make no sens but its not for you its for me. and no write correction

 I recommend and look at the picture and do not read the text 

a few weeks back a started on my meticla hypnoses in to my "demons" its been so hard a lot of feelings are comes to the surface. a lot of them are very hard for me to deal whit. fore a long my mine has difendin my self agenst my emotions.  a was in a place where a could not show them. but now days a have this massive walls inside my self to defend me agenst the world but now ther are sabotaging my life. this part of my life my paranoia is so afread of life its self so it just stopping everything in its track. a was at my psychologist yesterday. its things a cant say out loud here in the world only there and in my blog. a dont like my life a dont like my self. a dont feel ok. a feel a dont have a home, am hating my job, a have no family,  but all this this can be pretty easy fixed or improved, but my wall my  paranoia is stopping me. like a have been here in canada fore 9 montsh and in these time a have been in the forest 2 times ,4 times eating outside whit friends and vising friends 3 times. and am so lonely but a feel to bother them if a call, am boring am ugly am fat am useless am feel tired all the  time. a few days a go a was thinking to kill my self. this is the second time here in Canada.   self harm and suicide  is so taboo so most people get so outrage when a say something like this but before 2015 a was planing my suicide every day. a did this for many years a was cuting my self almost every day,  it was like and escape a only had one real attempt a rented a car a was planing to kill my self by car a got in the car started it drove 400 meter and sat there fore a long them drove back parked it. when a was tinkling it now a got very sad on the ide of  die. not on the  suicide part, but at my mind is going there. a feel like am over this part of my life. but the anger in me and the sadness is so strong so it had to escape so it went there. old habbids. it just stopping all my joy of my life. a dont have a purpose. like every day am  change  my mind if a shun go back to Norway or not. am fell a not enjoing my work but a now it do not matter wat a do if a feel like this on the inside it do not matter what am doing.....my psychologist has told my many times to start  write when feeling down just all the things you feel until you are stopping. this is me stopping. 

btw a meet this fellow to day back form work..nacty and cool nice at the same time