This was a valuable read. A close family member became addicted to a hard drug, and as much as we (and their ex) tried to help them, they denied/lied/spent tons of help money/deceived us/tore us apart.
After a prolonged time, it subconsciously forced me to want to turn my back on them for taking advantage of the rest of my family, resent my other family members for allowing them to be walked all over/giving more money that went straight to the habit, and for generally trying to take us for fools. We tried to help over and over, but got shut down... except when $$ was available. I don't know how to let that go. If you have any advice, that'd be priceless.
I guess it was just the addiction taking control, and they seem to be better after "recovering," although my trust has been broken. I no longer feel like I can pretend that nothing happened when they act like that's the case these days. They haven't apologized... just let the life drift in the past (which is less than a year ago). I fear that I won't be able to see them the same anymore after being lied to.
Hearing your difficulties gave me some hope that they may not be who they sunk into forever, but things would've been drastically different if they didn't excessively lie, and essentially throw away a significant amount of money that was intended to resurrect life, not being used for more drugs.
Thanks for sharing your story and lending your eyes/ears here. Congrats on your new path. Music helps. Since you're a musician, I'm a drummer. I threw up a super simple track today if you'd like to check it out.
Hi @steemmatt, I almost missed your comment for some reason, luckily someone just commented and I saw your comment here. I'm so happy I didn't miss it, because this is important.
In terms of the perpetual deception and thieving with addicts, this is a conundrum even to me, because this wasn't a problem for me. My pain (aside from childhood trauma) was heavy with how much I give and try to help others, only to feel abandoned when I needed help. (it's important to measure expectation, I had expected I would receive the same help if I ever needed it) I lived this way (helping my family actually) until I was sucked dry and fell on some hard times. This is when I found out I was the black sheep of the family.
Even in addiction I was never a thief. I definitely borrowed money from people, but I always paid it back. Was this taking advantage of them? Well, yes and no, they knew damn well what the money was for, but they also knew they would get it back, so in that sense, the select few family and friends who offered that support in the beginning were enabling me because of their own traumas and issues they were dealing with.
I'll lay it right out and say I paid my mothers and 5 younger siblings rent for 2 years, and it was after this that I became homeless and their door was closed to me.
This seriously screwed me up in the head. I never wanted anything back for the help. (but I did maintain an expectation that they would help me if I ever needed help) Family is family, and neither of my son's would ever sleep under a bridge if I could ensure they don't, needle in their arms or not, leaving them to die is fucking wrong, and not something I could imagine doing, no matter how messed up they are. I have a plan for how I would deal with it, and they wouldn't like it, but it would be ultimately be for their help. I'm not going to say the plan here, you can use the imagination.
Stating this, I was definitely abusive towards my family when they didn't offer me shelter. I was so hurt that I became extremely mean, threatening, showing up drunk in the night screaming obscenities. There is no question I was abusive. I can identify the trigger of the abusiveness, and can also identify that I was clinically insane during this time, so I don't hold it against myself, and today they don't hold it over my head either. They've expressed guilt for leaving me that way, but it's difficult to really feel like they mean it, because knowing you left a family member under a bridge, and being the family member under the bridge, are two completely different things.
In the case of your family member, it's a tough one. If you continue to give, you are enabling, and if you don't give, I'm willing to bet that family member is pretty arrogant and not willing to talk about much else. (feel free to tell me I'm off base if I am, just speculation)
You are an empathetic person who loves this family member, or you wouldn't have composed this message, no question.
Forgiveness.. Your family member is not in the right state of mind, and the amount of addicts who become like this is probably 99 percent. It's a very rare breed that doesn't steal and deceive during addiction from my experience, and another motivator for me to get the hell out of that life.
Forgiveness will take time, and might be harder if your family member is not finding recovery, but it's going to be essential for you too. Carrying the pain around with you is corrosive.
The only other advice I can give with the current circumstances is try not to be aggressive or angry when communicating with your family member, and maybe offer them an ear, even if you don't agree and they need to vent. Just listening might help. (if that is something you can bring yourself to do.)
If you ever want to talk about this more extensively, feel free to hit me up on discord man, I can always take some time to help. Helping keeps me going and feels good.
PS. I did see your Evanescence drumming. It was good my man, and I started getting the drum itch while watching. (I do a little drumming as well, but super beginner lol) I'll see you around, I need to get in gear and get to working on some uploads myself, so busy lately it's hard to find time to play. Peace bro 😎
Thanks for this reply. I understand your story and appreciate how you got out of the hole. There's a lot of wisdom in your words and conviction that you're firmly moving forward.
With my family situation, they're allegedly cleaned up for about 8 months now (we think). This is mainly aided by having virtually no money before recently getting a job, and a house in foreclosure that had to be bailed out for them twice. I personally got them back into the gym which also helped, and they got a new girlfriend who was healthier for them, but I don't know if having money again and a few drinks will open the door again for a relapse.
While I'd never even consider trying anything like that ever, they seem to rely on weed and cigarettes regularly, and another hard substance in the past. I can't understand their desire to poison their body and hurt family members emotionally/financially for a thrill or an escape, but to each their own. While an addiction can take full control, they were responsible for the first few times they tried it to get themselves hooked.
Sadly, I don't trust their word anymore because they tried to deceive us and broke that bridge. I don't really even want to see them because they pretend that life is amazing now and nothing ever happened. Personally, I want to turn them upside down and shake the truth out of them, get a real heartfelt apology, and them maybe rebuild if I'm certain it won't resurface.
Time may help, but I'll never see them the same way again. I don't show any aggression or anger towards them. I just keep my distance and they keep their's. I'm sure they're ashamed and also aware they have to pay back a ton of money, but once someone breaks my trust it's game over. The familial bond makes this very complicated and something I'll be forced to have to live along with.
Thanks again for sharing your thoughts and helping me to vent a little about this. I should be ok for now, but will hit you up on Discord for advice in the future if needed.