The Testimony of Jesus Christ.

We are told in Revelation 1:9 & 12:17 that the testimony of Jesus Christ will be the reason for persecution. And I can totally relate...

I grew up as a "Christian", in a family that prided itself on being better than most other "Christians". We stayed out of "organized church" and went around preaching, relying on the Lord to supply our needs. My father was very authoritative, and would convince almost everybody that his position was the only right one. As a child, I was clueless, as most children are, just accepting whatever I was told... I was never allowed to question anything, and we lived in secrecy.

I was taught by example that it didn't matter at all how I lived, so long as I believed in Jesus. They baptized me as an infant (!!) of 4 years old. I know I loved Jesus, even from that infant age, and my one desire was to have a pure heart, though I had no idea how to get one. In my baby way I prayed that Jesus would help me be good.

As I grew up, I realized more and more that I was wretched, but because it was only about "believing in Jesus", my conscience was mollified, and these thoughts were put in the background. Once I left home, however, I was told to start going to church -to meet a Christian boy (!!) - but I was also able to begin my real journey to Christ.

I could sometimes hear from God, and he would tell me to do certain things, and when I would do them, persecution would come. But sin continued because I didn't know how to stop. My whole life was a huge contradiction and lie. I wanted more than anything to be a Christian, but everything I did was sinful. I couldn't understand why Jesus would help me with some things, but not with others. For example, why was he able to help me quit drugs, but then leave me to myself when it came to my temper? Nothing made sense! And no pastor or Christian fellow could help me understand.

Fast forward to marriage, and I threw myself into that with all my heart. I loved being a mom, but that wicked temper would show itself, no matter how hard I tried to avoid it. I would ask for prayer quite often, but never any help. The church people had one response to my difficulties: "You are stuck in Romans 7; just be patient and keep trying, and you will eventually overcome."

Two things I did not know or recognize even by this point in my life: I did not realize that my parents and my husband were similarly abusive, controlling me by verbal and emotional violence. Also, I didn't know that this was affecting every relationship I had, including with my children, actually causing my anger problem - not my red hair, as I had been deceitfully taught!

Fast forward again to almost 20 years into my "marriage", which was in total shipwreck; the desperation in my heart to be what the bible tells us we must be; unblameable, holy, righteous; and my insatiable desire to have a pure conscience, all combined to make me almost lose my mind. I didn't know the Lord was using all this to break me. It was a very painful place.

I came to the place where I admitted I was worse than a fool, with less hope than a fool. I realized I was starving to death in the churches, and that there was absolutely NOTHING I could do to change myself. I was lost, unless the Lord did something. I set myself to simply wait for him to do something, almost giving up. He did show me, however, that if I would just praise him, even in my utter helplessness and darkness, he would move heaven and earth for me. So I praised him for the only thing I could: his ability to see in the dark. By this time I was so depressed, I could barely function.

Then one day, out of the blue, after several months of waiting and praising, the Lord, my Saviour, sent a prophet and his wife to talk with me, while I waited at my one son's workplace. This man talked with me of total victory over sin, and how the Lord had given him this blessedness. I know my spirit heard every word he said, and later, on my way home, I heard the Lord say to me, "You HAVE to get to know these people!" It was a command; there was no arguing, but I had no idea how it was to be done, considering my isolated position and inablity by this time to have any real freedom. I did not touch the ground all the way home, though the drive was almost 20 minutes long! My spirit knew something I did not.

To make a long story shorter, the Lord provided many opportunities for me (and my 2 youngest sons) to meet with this prophet for instruction. He had wisdom from God which gave him the knowledge of my situation of being abused, and how that detrimentally affected my emotions. He taught me that secrets are not part of God's oneness; that sin must be openly confessed to someone; that when someone is truly IN Christ, they have the same ability of Christ to pronounce forgiveness. What freedom my soul experienced the first time I heard him say, "You are forgiven"!!

But the most blessed thing he taught me was that there IS real victory over all known sin! He said, "Grace is the power of almighty God IN YOU to do ALL of his known will." Whoa! Did someone just turn on the lights?? That moment changed my entire life! From that moment I began to walk in real, honest-to-goodness victory over sin!! Other than a couple of road bumps at first, due to extreme pressure from my "Christian" family to forsake this teaching, there has been no looking back!

This most blessed testimony of Jesus Christ in my life completed the shipwreck of my marriage, setting me free from that abuse; ended any relationship I had with my parents; caused my children and most all my friends to forsake me. But it has given me life for death; light for darkness; victory for defeat and a most blessed hope!

Oh, if only more defeated Christians could hear this! What utter JOY to be FREE FROM SIN!!