Singing The Email Blues

I don’t like to brag. Well actually I do, but starting a conversation with, “Hey I’m bragging,” can turn some people away. So, I’ll start with a little white lie, and thus keep my audience riveted. So here goes: I don’t like to brag but I am in for some major good fortune. Within three days, I am going to have the great wealth that was promised me. Who promised it? I don’t know, but somebody must have. I mean, Madam Latricia wouldn’t have emailed me, fourteen times in the last week, with this great news if it wasn’t true. Would she?
In point of fact, she also mentioned I would find the love of my life, make a very positive career move, and find the happiness that has eluded me for years. It, would not be all good news though, there would be some minor hurdles to overcome. I get that. I mean, if I’m soon going to find the love of my life, unless it’s a cute little Guinea pig, I’m going to have to tell my wife of twenty-five tears about it. This could certainly lead to some major hurdles. On second thought. it must be the Guinea pig; my wife is my best friend. So, in conclusion, I am about to meet a Guinea pig with a lot of money who’s going to offer me a job. As far as the happiness is concerned, well, who isn’t happy with a cute little Guinea pig around the house?
On an unrelated note, before and after every one of Madam Latricia’s emails there is another one concerning CBD. I don’t know what CBD is, but I know it comes in gummies, chewable tablets, and an oil you can put in your morning coffee. I get it, some of you like cream in your coffee, but you really should change to CBD. This stuff is great. It cures everything. The emails tell me so. They also tell me there is no need to be concerned about legality issues. I wish they wouldn’t have said that. The moment somebody mentions I don’t have to fear the courts coming down hard on me, I start to worry.
This is the kind of email I get, and it’s not just mediums sending me things. Through email, I have also learned that there have been major breakthroughs in the cures of baldness and erectile dysfunction. Isn’t it nice to know that the world’s doctors are no longer wasting their valuable research time and money, on silly things like antibiotics and curing lung disease or cancer? They are finally taking on the serious men’s medical issues of today. I am joking, of course.
In fact, I am growing to hate email more and more every day. For every note I get, from a friend or college, I am averaging six from various dating sites, five ads from stores I frequent, four from stores I’ve never heard of, three from places wanting to replace my windows or roof, two from married women who want to sleep with me, and some other random ones. Don’t lie. You thought I was going to say “And a partridge in a pear tree.” Didn’t you? No, after two years I managed to unsubscribe from that darn partridge’s website.
My friends tell me to set my email server to file all this crap into the spam folder. Now, I’m not very technically savvy, but why would I print this dumb stuff out, then fold it over into a canned meat product? And then have a restaurant server file it for me? Ha Ha Ha! Sorry about that. I know it’s an old, very bad joke, but the moment was right and I had to make it. Please forgive me. Anyway, back to the post, already in progress.
The thing is, at one time email used to be cool. If you needed to send someone a quick message, you could just type it up, push ‘Send’, then walk over to their office and ask if they got it. A lot of folks in my office did it that way. Sadly, as in all things, bad folks figured out a way to abuse it. They found a way make email worse than telemarketing phone calls. It was even easier for them. Instead of dialing random numbers over and over ad nauseum, they purchased a list from a disreputable source, wrote a single email, and sent it to everyone on the list. No muss, no fuss, and no hiring employees that wanted benefits. It was a win-win for them, and a cause of fiery hate to everyone on the list.
But you know, while I have nothing but distain for those spammers, there is a group I despise even more. Stay with me on this, and ask yourself, “Why do Spammers continue to do it when everyone hates them?” The answer is simple; Because it works. Yep, there are people out there who see these multiple ads and think, “Hey I night need that.” Those folks then click on the ad and make it a success for the despicable spammer. Those are the folks I really can’t stand. By using their God given right to click on anything they want, they have destroyed the internet for good folks like you and me. Unless, of course You are one of them. If you are, don’t tell me. I really don’t want to know.
Unless of course, you are addicted to clicking on ads. If that’s the case, I can put you in touch with PATCWWUDCAWKIA. That’s: People Addicted To Clicking Who Will Destroy Civilization As We Know It Anonymous. Hey, by the time this came up all the good acronyms were taken. Either way, these people can help you. Just like their motto says, “If we can help take one clicker off the street, that’s one step closer to eradicating spam forever. The mail not the meat. I mean no one’s been able to get rid of that stuff for eighty-two years, no matter how hard people have tried.” Yes, it is a long motto, but it really says what needs to be said,
Then again if you happen to be a celebrity, you could join up and make yourself even more famous when you recover. Think of the book deals, and interviews. You may not have a very sordid life now, but clicking may just be the addiction you need. Hey, give it some thought.
Oh, by the way, if you need the services of a good ghost writer, I’m available. No Pressure. Just thought I should mention it.