Ghosts and Monsters of Baghdad Part 3/3 - Comedy Open Mic Round 36 Entry 2

During his emo phase Socrates said "Death may be the greatest of all human blessings" which makes sense coming from a guy who was, in all what the word meant, a smelly troll. Not saying he wasn't wise, it's just he was also a troll.

#Previously on ghosts and monsters of Baghdad

*pt1

I started my night by having a fight with my girlfriend for criticizing my writings, that fight ended with me storming out after taking the last three pills she had in her purse.

I saw a woman crying over the death of her terrorist boyfriend, who's innocently died while planting a wrongly made bomb.

Encountered a monster that is as extreme as a Doritos.

Got held up by an Iraq copycat of the killer Jigsaw.

Put a wooden stick and coat hanger up my ass and not for the usual reasons.

*pt2

I encountered a masked man chasing me around the forest with a knife.... Turned out he was trying to sell it to me....

Saw a crying kid who sees dead people.

Took him a church made out of bread full of children.

Found out they had to endure a horrible fate of sitting down to watch Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Encountered a bald man called John Cawley.

The two of us had a deep analysis of how in denial Adam Sandler fans are.

Finally the asshole kid told me I was dead.

And now the thrilling conclusion

"You are dead" the kid told me. His words went through my ears like words through ears. Usually I'd disagree to someone telling I'm dead on the count that they're talking to me and that I'm alive, but after that crazy night it doesn't seem as far fetched. It would explain why I enjoy Meghan Trainor songs as only people with dead hearts would enjoy those. I started having flashbacks of my fight with my girlfriend, her making fun at the way I describe things, and in respond I throw that edgy thing into that glassy square thing. I started to realize I shouldn't have left home that day, also that she may have a point.

What the kid said left me in shock for few second before John Cawley said "Of course you're not dead". I turned to the kid and asked him what his problem was, to which he responded "I seem to dread people". John asked me to join him at his office near by. I was feeling rather irritated. As I walked outside he asked "What do you see around you now?". I looked around and noticed a change of scenery, this time there weren't women genitalia instead there were just nuts, there were more nuts than my ex's mouth that time I had my friends over and went out for few minutes to get chips. I told him what I saw, he asked me if that was what I saw originally and I said no. "Why did change?" He asked. "This is a magical forest, maybe" I replied. "Maybe" he said as we walked till we reached his office in silent.

We sat at the desk and asked me to sit as well.

John Cawley: When we first met you were 12 years old, your parents were locked up in the asylum by orders from Saddam Hussain. We were also ordered to keep you with them as a mean to pressure them into complying. After that I went back home but kept in touch with your case. Going through the horrors you've been through must have been the reasons you've blocked those memories.
Me: What are you saying?
John Cawley: I'm saying that I was the head doctor at the asylum. And you were the one watching the Beverly Hills Chihuahua trilogy along with all the other live-action Disney movies, feeding on nothing but melted cheese and Doritos. No wonder you've blocked that memory, no child should be forced to sit through Beverly Hills Chihuahua.
Me: Okay, I've had enough with this crop. I'm going back to my house and girlfriend.
Dr. John Cawley: You can't go back there.
Me: Why not?
Dr. John Cawley: Because that place doesn't exist.

That's when it hit me

I dropped my wallet when Dr. Ahmed stripped for that game.

Me: I think I left my wallet...... Wait what did you just say?

"It's true" A sound came from outside, it was Dr. Ahmed talking "That girlfriend and house were mere psychosis in your brain"

Me: Do you have my wallet by any chance?
Dr. Ahmed: That wallet was a psychosis as well.
Me: My wallet was psychosis as well?
Dr. Ahmed: Yes, think about it. Why would a broke man like you need a wallet in the first place? How would you even buy it?
Me: My girlfriend bought it for me.
Dr. Ahmed: And it doesn't shock you that a guy like you can get a girlfriend? Look at how fat you are!
Me: Why does everyone keep going to that?

"Because" Dr. John Cawley said "You need to learn about the reality if your past life as I'm afraid to say, you're relapsing again"

Me: What reality? The reality is I've been living in my apartment for almost two years before that I used to live in Qatar and UAE
Dr. John Cawley: In your brain you have, but the fact is. You've been staying at the asylum since you were 12. with no contact to the outside world.
Me: That can't be.... It's not true....
Dr. John Cawley: Look into your mind beyond the trauma you've been blocking and you will see the truth.
Me: But I've had friends, I'm active on a site called steemit.

"Yes, steemit" Dr. John Cawley said "This site where people give likes with invisible money. And where Hillary Clinton, Theresa May, Angela Merkel, and Nigerian president Muhammadu Buhari have accounts there.

A magical site where Buhari and Clinton interact through comments and revealing their secrets to the public

The site where U.S Senator @berniesanders is an eggplant

And flags a tall goblin person named @jerrybanfield
A "musician" goblin who's greatest talent is the ability to suck his own dick.

A site where the owners @ned hair has it's own account

How does hair have the ability to use a computer?"

I remained in silence for 10 minutes.

Dr. John Cawley: When doctor Ahmed told me that he's planning to let you leave the asylum in hopes to experiment a drug I had to come down and see it for myself. Your brain has been making up a new reality for you. One that is based on jokes, you imagine things around you just so they fit a punchline. You see vaginas so you make a rhyme joke, you imagine yourself as having an ex just so you make a sex/cheating joke.Forgetting that how you look and who you are makes it impossible to have see any of that.
Me: So you're saying I didn't actually encounter all of those people, the woman by the shore, or put wooden stick up my ass?
Dr. Ahmed: Oh no, you definitely put a stick up your ass tonight.
Me: Why didn't you stop me?
Dr. Ahmed: You do it quite frequently, it wasn't that alarming. We even put other patients in your room so they learn the value of taking their pills. The reason you relapsed is because you're closeted gay man. You even wrote a song about dicks on your face and claimed it's because you were asked to write it by a bearded American who's the son of god and often takes pictures while naked by lakes.

Dr. John Cawley: That obsession with dicks and putting stuff up your ass is yet another reasons why having a girlfriend doesn't make sense.
Me: This can't be....

I ran away from the office toward my home, it was dark and all I saw was one man fishing. I approached the man for some reason and sat beside him in silent. "Hey" he said "My name is Peter Richards Johnson. but you can call me Idikuci". "Hey" I replied.
Peter: So what do you do?
Me: I think, although I'm not sure anymore, I make comedy.
Peter: Oh, like Donal Logue.
Me: Who?
Peter: Donal Logue.
Me: The guy from grounded for life?
Peter: Yeah.
Me: Were you one of the people who escaped the asylum as well? Because it's obvious that you're crazy for thinking Donal Logue is funny.
Peter: You're the crazy one for thinking he's not funny.
Me: I AM NOT CRAZY!
Peter Take a chill pill, will you?

Pill, that's when it all started making sense for me. Sticking a wooden stick up my ass. A steeple made of bread, that huge creature, the kid telling me I'm dead. It all made sense there. I shouldn't have had that fight with my girlfriend, I shouldn't have stormed out, and I definitely shouldn't have taken her pills out of spite because now I realize that those pills where the LSD pills she told me few days earlier she was getting. And thanks to them I've been hallucinating this whole time.

#The end

I'd like to nominate @carlgnash and @hiddenblade for the #comedyopenmic contest.