Wait, That's Not Normal? - Comedy Open Mic Round 32 Entry 3

Being from Iraq while chatting online with people usually means a huge misunderstanding at what they consider to be normal things to have and I don't. Things like toilet paper, bacon, and women rights. Of course that is a joke, I obviously consider toilet paper normal. There are also things that I consider normal others don't. Things like drinking hot tea when it's 110 degrees outside, or the fact that we say "may god leave your house in ruins" when someone makes us laugh.

First thing you need to know about Iraq for the highly unlikely chance you'd visit is that a translator isn't enough for you to understand and be understood by the people here. Like the "house in ruins" example, just imagine telling someone a good joke and they reply by wishing destruction over your house, seems like a mildly over-exaggerated reaction, and doesn't really show they liked it, does it? Also if you're in Iraq and someone is lying to you, you tend to have one of two replies. 1) You tell them that they just created a flying elephant, and 2) you refer to the events they descried as if they happened in your "pussy", even if you were a man. Let alone that both responses are anatomically impossible. Kos or "pussy" is really used way beyond it's full potential here in Iraq. If you're pissed at someone you tell them "Kos Omak" which translates to your "mother's vagina". Which sounds more like an opening statement for a gynecologist and less like an insult. But seriously though, vagina is really used frequently around here, everything said around has a vagina in it "my vagina", "your vagina", "your mother's vagina", "your aunt's vagina", and my personal favorite "your dad's vagina". Which in the west can only be said to Kylie Jenner, here it's used all around.

While the use of the word isn't related directly to the translated meaning, as it's supposed to mean something similar to "go fuck". I've personally been told quite the many times to go fuck my pussy. If you take into consideration the real meaning, all of those sentences including your or a family member's vagina there's quite the disturbing meaning in there. And yes someone essentially saying "go fuck your mother's vagina" isn't trying to get you to spend quality family time with your mother, still I prefer it to the ones where they replace my mother with my father. Like yeah it's all fucked up, but fucking your dad by his vagina has at least 30 extra hours of therapy than the regular one where you fuck your aunt for example. We're quite the angry sexually frustrated country, and the story of a sexually frustrated man who happens to be an Iraqi always ends up with an explosion one way or another.

That sexual frustration carries on as there are two type of women in Iraq, whores without Hijab, and hijab wearing women who are secretly more of whores than the regular kind. The whore-ness level of a woman in Iraqi really depends on whether she'd say yes or no to the guy asking her out. Which by the way guys in Iraq have an amazing strategy for that, so basically they'd write their phone number on a piece of paper walk in front of the woman they life and throw the piece of paper on the floor, proving once and for all that Darwin is wrong about evolution. So a guy's interaction with his future wife is her pending over to pick up a piece of paper from the ground while of course presumably every other guy is calling her a whore, and telling her to fuck her dad by his pussy. Quite the revelation for such a small act, a woman starts it by picking up a number, and by the time she gets up her father turns into a lesbian.

This brings up a whole different thing that happens frequently. Males fist-fighting in Iraq; whenever you get in a fight, you're almost required to show up with a paper of a certified DNA test of who you're parents are. Because out of nowhere, in my case at least, I got to find out that my mother has spent the last before the fight with the father of whoever I'm fighting along with his friends fathers as well. Quite a coincidence that all of the fathers got around together just the night before the fight to gang bang my mom, especially that she died about 16 years prior. I don't if I should be happy that she's alive, or be sad that the first thing she did after her resurrection was get gang banged by bunch of old guys, who I assume all had vaginas at some point of their lives.

Suffice to say; the sexual openness in Iraq is pretty bad, now everyone is offspring of everyone except their own parents. Allow to tell you now, the worst thing that has come to the Iraqis since the U.S invasion is the arrival of the internet. Porn has completely ruined our millennial people, for starter it killed their ambition as now everyone is learning how to be a plumber. Also now everyone is filming their sexual adventures and let me tell you now, to all the westerners; it's okay to say that Arab porn is disgusting. They're always using a potato to film the thing, halfway through you're still not sure whether they took off their clothes or not with all the hair. One time it took me like 10 minutes to realize the two weren't dry humping and that the girl wasn't just wearing black fur underwear. And I know what you're thinking, if it's that bad why watch it with all the professionally made porn available? And the answer is in the question, those are professionals with big penises and almost no hair, nothing I can relate to. I'd rather watch something that shows me that I have a chance of getting some.

Iraqis are just well trained for any intense exchange of words. My dad for example whenever he'd have a fight with me he'd say "Look at the floor when I'm talking to you" So when I learn that lesson and the next time we have another exchange I'd look on the floor he'd say "You don't like looking at your father's face?"

They have the kind of standards that only a Schrodinger cat can meet. A physics joke for all you nerds out there.

At least Iraq is advancing ideologically

We recently advanced to the early 1940s, which is a huge step up from the days where people used to drink camel urine for medical purposes. I honestly wish that last line was a joke. But some Saudis still do this till today

Here it is, looking like a weird porn you'd find on the dark side of porn sites.

In the end these are the advises I'll leave you with in case any of you decides to visit Iraq

1- Don't. What you call a rare terrorism disaster where you live is a quite Tuesday here

2- Be prepared for the destruction of your house in case you're funny *thank god I'm safe

3- Make sure to bring a DNA certified test in case you get in an argument

4- Be a Nazi, we're not sure how long this phase would last. Light socialism will not be enough.

5- And most importantly, have the word "Kos" AKA "Vagina" at the edge of your tongue, it comes in handy in every situation.

I nominate @anomadsoul and @traf / @trafalgar