BLUE BALLS:COM20 Second Entry

in #comedyopenmic6 years ago

True love is really hard to find these days, especially in my society where the true measure of love resides in the weight of your bank account. I've actually been single for quite some time and if you keep up with my COM posts, you'd know I've been quite open about it. I simply can't get a break.
Back in university, it was so much easier, all I had to do was stalk the prey lady continuously for weeks, make my incessant approaches until I wear her out and she basically has no choice but to pity date me. Now there's just no time for that and the old bullshit of if she'll "love me for me" is well, bullshit.
As I got older, I started to realise the gross level of bullshit that exists in the dating game. In recent times, I've consciously tried to make friends and try to be as platonically flirtatious as I can be but that's not working out for me right now.
This situation has turned me a little bit into the fucking grinch of public display of romance. I see two people holding hands and I imagine difference ways bad things could happen to them. I'm just fucked up right now and my pains keep growing.
I'm not going to quit though, because my mummy didn't raise no quoting punk ass bitch. No! I'll keep going till I get the lady of my dreams or in most likely case, settle for anyone that lowers her standards enough to marry me. I honestly think this is the case in most scenarios. Do you really think, if given the chance, your wife would pick you over Jay Z? Let's be real. She wants to be Beyonce.
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I considered praying to God to fix the issue but I doubt he'll listen to me, plus I'm not very sure I want God to be my wingman. I mean, he's got quite an impressive repertoire and that's the problem. I don't think any chick would consider me if she meets a wingman with that kind of reputation. Plus, I hear he's all about no sex till marriage, so he's going to cockblock even if he doesn't steal my chick.
The next and final desperate step seems like online dating. Thousand and one dweebs have gotten laid/married through these platforms, or at least I was told but for some reason, I'm never one of them. I'm literally lower down dweebs in the relationship foodchain/spectrum ladder thingy. It is fucked up in all ramifications. My friends tell me it's just a phase and I'll it'll pass, if only they were the ones walking around with smurf looking balls, maybe they'd think different.
So until we meet again, I bid you goodnight from my ever so cranky, whiney and absolutely irratable self. Please kindly fuck off.

I nominate @samirich and @trumpman to make entries, because I know I'm not getting any.

Please vote for @comedyopenmic as witness, go to steemit.com/~witnesses and just type "comedyopenmic" in the first space below.

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Hi, you won a free Steembasicincome share at MAP Rewarder Free SBI Saturday.
Congratulations!

Oh, and just to rub it in (though hopefully not on), dating online was way too easy when the net first started! Those were the days when everyone thought they were smart and the trolls hadn't yet got into 4chan-play.

Damn these trolls. I swear it keep getting harder every day. And Thank you for the SBI award, I'm hoping it'll help my love life in some way

My friends tell me it's just a phase and I'll it'll pass, if only they were the ones walking around with smurf looking balls, maybe they'd think differently.

This part got me really laughing this morning...I'm taking up the challenge. Y'all should get ready to read the drabbest COM entry ever.

Finally he caves in.

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This post was shared in the Curation Collective Discord community for curators, and upvoted and resteemed by the @c-squared community account after manual review.

Haven't forgotten the previous nomination, I just haven't had any good inspiration lately :(

Shiii. I'll keep checking up on you and nominate you anyways

well at least your gf cuts her nails (and paint them) before squeezing your blue ones

My fall back pick up line before I got married was always " does this smell like chloroform? " Works every time.

I'm not a chemical expert but that smells like a knock out pick up line

Lol. I agree with you...True love is really hard to find these days.

...in most likely case, settle for anyone that lowers her standards enough to marry me.

Haha...

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