Tips on how to Effectively Beat Your Child: Comedyopenmic

in #comedyopenmic5 years ago

Raising kids is not an easy task, it becomes harder when you have more than one or worst of all, your kids are annoying Shitheads that you sometimes doubt they're yours. The bad news is, they're yours but don't be dismayed, I have the solution for you.

After years of careful study and statistics, I developed an effective child beating system that will definitely straighten up the little shithead and give you that spare time for yourself. The beating system was simplified for easy understanding and presented graphically.
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UnderBeating: Underbeating is a situation when your kids are not beating enough. These kids typically fall under the Beatline datum through out their life. These kids may or may not be ostensible shitheads but statistics has proven that virtually all children are actually shitheads and should be randomly given beatings to ensure that their beat cycle is within the optimum beating range. Cases of underbeating often leads to grown up serial killers, rapists and worst of all, politicians

Overbeating: Overbeating refers to the reverse case of underbeating and is often as a result of addiction to beat dispensing. Children can be shitheads and adults don't have that much patience, this then leads to over reliance on beating to solve problems. Overbeating also occurs when beatings are executed arbitrarily. It is advisable that there be a laid down beating procedure to avoid this situation. Typical cases of overbeating grown ups are Armed Robbers, goat rapists and car thieves.

Optimum Beating: Optimum beating is the right amount of beating that a child needs to live a healthy and happy lifestyle. It is achieved through discipline by both the beater and the beatee. Naturally the beatee is the one getting disciplined by the beater but the beater has to ensure he/she doesn't get addicted to dishing beatings.
Optimum beating often leads to a better understanding between both parties involved as there will often be a laid down process and clearly defined reasons for the beating. The beatee is going to be made aware of the reasons for the beatings and the beater is also to maintain a strict beating timetable that would enable both parties live happily. Grown ups that were optimally beating often grow into upstanding members of the society with one or two exceptions of course.

Types Of Beating

There are predominantly two types of beating

Short Range Beating: Short range beatings are the most common type of beatings. They are often in the form of character adjustment slaps(both palm and backhand) in most parts of the world. The Americans typically call it "spanking" but due to its dirty ambiguity, we will refrain from using that word.

In some instances, it is common to employ lightweight instruments like rubber slippers, wooden spatulas, 60 leaves notebook without hardcover or something we call "cane" in Nigeria. It is allowed to vary the instruments to prevent beatings from being monotonous and boring for both parties; spice things up.

Long Range Beating: This type of beatings aren't very common and are usually employed when the child is a prime shithead. Prime shitheads are runners, they're the wise guys of the shithead kingdom, often resorting to increase distance between themselves and the beater. If your shithead is fat and doesn't run too fast then it is advisable you just catch him/her and use short range technique. However, if you have a speedster on your hands,you will have to use this technique, you will have to go through months of target practice but think of it as a sacrifice for your child/children.


also very effective

This technique requires the use blunt objects with the right amount of weight to fly through the air. Studies show that speedsters are known to be quick but not very bright, the guilt of a beatable offence often clouds their good reasoning so they run in a straight line, making the target an easy prey. If you have a prime speedster then you might have to chase the shit head while throwing the beating.
This technique is material dependent because you might have to throw around five objects at your shithead before he/she slows down or quits running. Objects like slippers, sneakers, spatulas, bibles/qurans, mobile phone, flashlights and similar household items can be employed.

Beatings are very important for your child's upbringing, give your child the beating he/she deserves. -Abraham Lincoln

Spare the rod, spoil your shithead-The Bible

فاز shithead الخاص بك في الطريق الصحيح- Probably in the Quran

All I'm saying is God and Abraham Lincoln approve of beating, are you saying you know better than them?

Disclaimer: This message is an entry for the comedy contest on whaleshares hosted by @comedyopenmic, a contests that supports crazy writing and expression. You can come have fun with us.

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I follow a beat cycle also, but it has nothing to do with children.

Well you're halfway there. All you need is a kid to apply it to

We need more non-hippie humor like this around here.

That's exactly how I feel too.

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