What to gift at the last minute! - Comedy Open Mic round 13 - Entry 1

So, you've forgotten the day your gf had asked you to ask her to marry her or you've forgotten that card companies decided they wanted celebrate mothers to increase sales, or it's your mother-in-law's birthday and the only thing you have to pay is Hell. Both your husband and bf have their birthday on the same day but you only got one present?

Fear not, I'm here to help you with some last minute gifts that seem thoughtful.

1. You - Pretend you were in an accident, and everything including the awesome gift was destroyed.
   Materials required:
   Fake Blood, bandage, a cast with sling would also be nice but don't over do it so that your loved ones take you to a hospital. I'm not saying that happened to me but I'm not saying the doctors didn't try to kill me for real.

2. Gucgi bags - While buying pirated branded stuff, buy the well spelled ones like FUCK, Varsace, Mike, Channel, Herpes Birkin. It also helps if the receiver of the gift is dyslexic. I'm dyslexic and I actually wrote the correct name and got it wrong on the third try. These are readily available at the back of your local white van. Not the one used for kidnapping.

3. Pregnancy Scare - If you want to make your bf/husband forget about their birthday, tell them you're pregnant. Material required - pregnancy test, ink. No pee is required despite this just to make it authentic, you can pee on the stick.

4. Netflix Password - Give it and watch them weep.

5. Massage - Buy some exotic oil, put a bow on it and show up. Just so we're clear, the bow should be on your person and not the oil. If you give bad massages, just sit on them.

6. Puns - Gifting puns is always a good idea. Your mother in law will love them.
   
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7. Religious Books - Nobody will say they dont love your gift. Make it awkward.

8. Money - Give money to people, preferably in singles. But don't try sticking it in their underpants.

9. Fruit- Because you care about their health.

10. Break up/ Divorce - saves on the cost of buying a gift and if you're breaking up you don't need to buy presents.
    

I nominate @anikekirsten and @amymya to make a funny entry for comedy open mic