comedy open mic - round 12 How to have a perfect marriage
So you have met the girl of your dreams huh? Everything is perfect and you are getting laid on the regular right? All is well? You 2 fit together like a hand and glove. Well I am going to let you in on a little secret. After being married for 15 years this is exactly how much pussy you are going to get.
Haha right? Let me fill yall in on a little bit of knowlege and i will break it down into a few parts.
Hunnymoon stage
All couples go through this stage. You are the disgusting retards that the rest of us yell "get a room" at becasue you insist on trying to suck each others face off in public to show us all how in love you are. We get it, you are getting laid. Fuck straight off. I am going to let you in on a secret. If you have not been in the bathroom brushing your teeth only to have the love of your life run in and drop a duece while muttering to them selves about what the hell did I eat....... you are still in the hunnymoon stage. Relationships are like a new shoe. When they are new you want nothing more than to stare at it and get inside it every chance you get, but as time wheres on you start to not fit so well and then it just ends up not comfy anymore. So what do you do at this point?
You have kids.
There is absolutely no better option in a relationship that is beginning to have issues other than to introduce a tiny screaming monster that will not let you sleep at all and robs every bit of spare time you could ever find. The thing that really keeps a couple together is truly the lack of sleep. I mean you get 2 people together that already are starting to not like each other, mix in a creature that screams, shits, and vomits non stop 24/7 and you just can't fail. This little sucubus will leach all the life out of you one scream at a time. You don't know exhaustion until you have fallen asleep standing up.
I wish I could scream for an hour straight and be rewarded with a titty in my mouth. Nope. It don't work like that.
It is truely beautiful. Do you know what else is beautiful?
Child birth
I grew up on a farm and had a lot of expierence with birth of animals but that does not compare to the birth of your own child. Let me put it into perspective. You were all kids at one time. Do you Remember that ONE playground that was just your absolute favorite place in the world to play? Now imagine watching that get bulldozed right in front of your eyes........... Yep, that is what happens watching that little alien exit the womb and destroying everything in its path like a marvel super villan. Then you are the bad guy when you try and slip the doctor a couple hundred bucks to put a couple extra stitches in that shit. For fucks sake Doc , help me out. I am a white guy, not fucking Mandingo. How the hell am I supposed to follow up something the size of 2 chipotle burritos?
But wait there is more.
Alimony
This is a cute little trick dreamed up by slimy ass lawyers that is made so you are actually responsible to pay for pussy you are not even getting anymore. Your ex could be hooked up with your best friend and the state can order you to pay for it. How fucking great is that ? Hell take half my house while you are at it buddy! Need me to get you a gatorade out of my side of the fridge so you don't get dehydrated?
tldr
Get married as soon as possible. Before you are out of highschool if possible. Pick up a drug habbit if at all possible.
For nominations I am going to throw out @triplef and @biblegateway
i hate this post...it's so wrong, it's factual. Daem it doomy stop impressing so many of us
psss... have you considered guest judging in future rounds?
I better put in my entry if DC guest judges. He’s a big fan of my work! Hehe, j/ k.
Just want to say hi DJ. 🙂
we're always looking for guest judges that you can bribe.....so what are you offering, I partial to cookies and ramen noodles
I picked up these ribs this afternoon. Food truck style. Finger-lickin delicious! Hoping you’re not a Vegan.
I may just write another food photo session entry if I’m not too lazy. Only the sweeties out there are partial to cookies. Now ribs, there’s an audience right there!
yup.... now we're talking!
hey @holibranches come see this, you take rib bribes?
i didnt call myself holy "branches" out of boredom
Beeyou, yo know what to do.
Thank you. I do what i can. I have not considered judging. what is involved in that exactly? I would be affraid i would miss someones post. Is there a master list of all the entries?
firstly congrats on become jester
well let me know if you want to consider being a guest jude
judging involves curating, meaning you gotta show a history of reading com entries, leaving encouraging comments
don't need to cover all post, that's unrealistic and not expected >50% is already very good or about 5-10 entries a day for 5-6 days
yes there is a masterlist that gets updated by all the judges for scoring, we show you the ropes if you get vetted into a future round slot, once again, leaving a history trail of curating, upvoting, and supporting the community is what all the senior judges are looking for
personally, i think you'll make a good judge, let us know ok
I have probably honestly failed a bit on reading a LOT of the entries. I try to pick them up then follow their accounts as we have simular intrests I guess. I really need to get into the discord promo section more and read through them and help support the community. I know COM does not like bots but how do they feel about bounties? I wouldn't mind throwing a little bounty money at the COM posts to help generate some more intrest and it is a little extra reward to the people who respond for interacting on the posts.
bounties are a good idea to reward the good comments and encouraging replies
i'm in support of you being a guest judge not because you're talented (which you obviously are), but because i think you're an awesome Steemian and more important you're an awesome community member that shows support to others
no one is expected to do alot of entries, but the more the better, like i said the great ones actually cover 50%, except for take5 (aka terminator5000) we think she's a machine, she seems to cover all of them every week, we still do not know how she does that
How many entries did you have this week? I forget.
P.S. you hear that @beeyou ?
that's top secret... most of the judges can't count past 20 ....those with missing toes and/or fingers even less
Haha now that got an outburst of laughter from me. You horrible steemian you!!
You’ll make a good judge you fluffball of good. I will not envy all that reading.
Jokes on them. I don't know how to read.
When you compared a baby and a burrito, together with "Mandingo" in the back of my head, it made me cry again xD
Hahaha, mmmmmm, chipotle burritos.
Although it's not my experience, it is for a lot of people and you told it so well. Like you have seen it.
Also, you have to nominate two people.
fuck i forgot
What did I tell you about drinking paint thinner?
drink the blue flavored one.
That's right. It's the best, and the cheapest.
I have luckily not been on the receiving end of most of this yet. I say yet becausue i know my luck.
I think this is probably how my life will pan out, just it might happen 3 or more times, and I'll likely skip the honeymoon phase.
Very funny entries.
Thank you for sharing your laughter
Hi @boster916
Sorry, why did you tag me?
Congrats mehn. This is comedy on some real life shit.
Kudos
Is your wife on steemit?
😁
Fuck no she isn't. Lol. She doesn't believe in imaginary internet money. That is what she calls it. Lol.
Haha, late to the party but I love it! I'm having two burritos in two months!!
ooffff . 2 at the same time. Have fun not sleeping for the next 2 years. I have 2 girls and the best parenting advice I can give is from the get go please get them on a sleep schedule. Seriously. I know you will want to let them sleep during the day and have a bit of piece and quiet but that is a huge mistake. If you can keep them awake a bit more during the day time they will sleep a bit better at night when you are sleeping. Just trust me. It took me a bit to figure this out with the first one but the second one was much smoother. People always think sleeping babies are cute but then when you try to sleep they will destroy you if you let them sleep all day. On our first kid I fell asleep standing up before due to lack of sleep. She had some stomach issues also and could litterally puke up a wall whileyou were changing her diaper. Like 3 feet UP the damn wall. It was some exorcist shit.
Congratualtions :)
Peace.
thank you. I really like watchin your videos. I keep forgetting to follow your account so i will fix that right now.
Haha, thankyou.
Peace.
That reminds me, it's time I had lunch.
Burritos for everyone!!!!
I finally got the chance to loop around. What a good laugh. Good thing I’m in the car grabbing a bite to eat while out running errands. I nearly spat out my coffee with the hysterics and tears out of my eyes.
I feel your pain DC. Even from being on the other side, I feel the pain. Literally, I had the experience of delivering those chipotle sized burritos.
I hear that the pain of child birth is comparable with what us men go through when we get the "man flu" . I feel your pain.
No idea what the man flu is and I probably don’t want to find out. Congrats Mr. Court Jester!! So happy for you. See what happens when you take time to write something from the heart. 😂
Wait wait wait. First you didn't know what a helicopter mom was and NOW you don't know what the man flu is. ? Are you sure you are not a bot?
I’m not cool like that. All pretense. 😎🤓
And thanks on the Congrats. I really do like the Comedy open mic crowd. They are good folks.
Yeah they are good peeps.
Ahh lol. Yeah you guys always seem to have the man flu, especially when it’s a gathering you don’t want to attend.
Have a beautiful Sat! Don’t be getting any man flu this weekend for Mother’s Day.
I have had a sinus infection for about a week or so now. I always get it in the spring do to alergies and the plates in my forehead make it worse. It is a dumb ass process. the doctors won't do anything till i have had it for 2 weeks before they prescribe antibiotics. I screwed up and didn't load up on alergy medicine. sometimes if i hit it before hand i can avoid it by staying super doped up on allergy meds but i didn't get it right this year. Nothing like having a nose bleed once or twice a day. Such is life.
That really sucks. I feel for those with allergies and sinus problems. You can’t breathe the fresh Spring air. I will enjoy the fresh air on your behalf.
Hang in there until you get those antibiotics. Two weeks is way too long. There is a doc here that prescribe antibiotics like candy. Lol, I stopped taking my family there.
me and my oldest are going up to get momma flowers and an apointment to get her nails and stuff done for a mothers day present. Hope she likes it or i will be walking around with some sexy white tip nails.
Aww that’s sweet. I’m sure she will. I don’t flash sexy white tips around too often but nice to be pampered.