Gangs of the Toon - COM Round 21

Today at work, I was just chilling in the car to Whitehaven, a bit of a dump with beautiful scenery where no one has a job or even a bank account. Supposedly good for door-to-door fundraising but I beg to differ.

Anyway, me and the boys were chilling in the car, chatting. Callum mentions how he was jumped on Friday. Apparently, he was walking down a side alley on a rough street called Westgate Road and without any warning, he was hit in the back of the head and sent to the floor. When he recovered, they'd taken everything, all his money, his tobacco. Even his shitty little backup brick phone worth maybe £10 tops. As if they needed a phone that could only call and text.

Apparently, and I didn't even know this until today, every postcode has its own gang. So the gang at my home address would be called the 6 and 5's (NE6 5XX). Obviously, some areas are worse than others, but you get the picture.

When I was younger, I remember walking home, I was drunk and had earphones in so I was barely aware of my surroundings. I headed down a back alley as a shortcut to get home, I did this every day on my way back so I wasn't prepared at all for anything.

British back alleys look like this. Just imagine it in pitch darkness.
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It was when I was halfway down the back alley that I heard a car door slam behind me. I was tempted not to think about it but I'd smoked some green which sends me into a paranoia trip. I leave it a couple of seconds before I take a look behind me.

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Only ten meters away at most, a masked man walking briskly in my direction, with a shiny object extruding from his dark brown trench coat. As soon as I saw him, I ripped my headphones out and powerwalked as fast as I possibly could, checking behind me like a madman on three hours sleep for the week.

Thankfully, the guy noticed I'd seen him and took a turn. That was the scariest thing I think might've happened to me in my life. After that, I bought a box cutter knife. You know, just in case. It was a folded blade and looked like a credit card when folded.

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It's absolutely shocking, you can buy those things on ebay for a quid without needing ID. I don't know what I was thinking, but in my 14 year old mind, it made perfect sense.

My flawless foresight eventually backfired when, after a year or so having this thing sitting in my wallet (completely forgotten about), we went on holliday. Just a nice, stress free family vacation. So I stand there in the queue, waiting to pass through airport security. I get through a machine and a man calls me to the side.

Sir, could you please come and stand over here.

Probably too many liquids in my bag. Is there a new law on not having more than 100ml of anything?
He pulls the tub toward him and reaches for my wallet. That's when it hit me, raw adrenaline. I've accidentally tried to smuggle a knife through airport security. He takes the thing out and asks what I might need that for. Obviously, they didn't believe me when I said it was for personal safety, and that's when they called the on-site policeman.

Fuck.

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This is my entry to #comedyopenmic round 21! I nominate @trevonjb and @enskan