The Hardship Of Having No Hardships - Comedy Open Mic Round 13

This is comedy, do not get offended.
This is also my entry to #comedyopenmic
I nominate @harktheshark and @lordvader

My life isn't hard really

But that makes comedy hard.

When I think of some of my favorite comedians, Dave Chappele, Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy, Hari Condabolu, @amirtheawesome1.

They all have something in common, they're not white. They can joke about cultural differences and racial issues because their audience attracts those who can relate.. and clueless gringos desperately looking to escape (or revel in) white guilt.

So I was thinking, what's unique about me. How can I, a straight white male from a middle class background in a developed country who still hasn't graduated university, take the piss out of myself?

I made a COM entry about being ginger, but for Christs sake I'm not even ginger! I'm blonde! Which would be OK if I had blue eyes so I could rip myself for being a member of the Aryan race, but the universe didn't even grant me that!

Not even a disability, tourettes would've been nice. Maybe a dash of assburgers. Maybe depression so I could talk about 'my depression' like it's either my favorite pet or an annoying neighbour.
But no.

Just about the only thing I can get away with is school shooter jokes, which is really just a phrase white americans came up with because they don't want to be randomly detained at airports and banned from their own country. The sad part being that I've never even seen a working gun; but rest assured, if I did happen to find one, my initial response would be to help with the overpopulation problem.

There's not much I can do par chopping my dick off and injecting oestrogen three times a day. Alternatively, maybe if I forced myself, I could pretend to be gay, some people say it's a decision, I've tested this theory and it really isn't a decision. If you're gonna go that way, you gotta have your heart in it and your brain wired that way from birth... Maybe if you're deprived from the venus thigh trap for too long you eventually go one of two ways, but I haven't tested that theory (at least not yet). At first glance, being homo sounds fucking great, you could sleep with a different hole every day of the week, then run away when it's your turn to receive. No baby hungry lunatics, no worries, right? But I can't bring myself to it, whenever a homosexual starts gazing into my eyes and asking if I'm alone as I attempt to withdraw cash, I'm reminded of how uncomfortable horny men, and the male form in general, make me feel. Which is why I try my best not to be intense around the fairer sex, I know what it's like.

I think my mother wanted me to swing that way though, every couple of months since I was about nine, she'd sit me down and tell me "it's OK to be gay". Like, wtf you implying bitch? I think that would just complete her middle class, modern mother aesthetic, a fairy for a son. In her ideal world, she'd meet her friends for cheese, crackers and port and tell them about how they can have discount at starbucks thanks to my promotion to manager, then hand out wooly mittens that we sewed as mother and son. I mean, my sister is too far gone - it's rare that white trash swing the same way; I on the other hand have a suave, proper, classy, polite vibe going on that could easily be mistaken for campness - the ladies love it though, that's how I lure them in.

As a kid, dearest mother let me grow my hair out because I wanted to look like Kurt Cobain, but then made me wash and condition it every day, I looked like fucking Cinderella, or a childlike Ken doll. To add insult to injury, all the conditioner made my hair floppy, so it covered my eyes when I was reading in class and my teacher at the time made me wear bloody hair clips and a pony tail as part of what was probably a sick in-joke amongst the teachers.

Like I said though, I've tried my best.. back when the puberty was kicking off, the girls still didn't know what a horny was, so the lads grew impatient and used to toss each other off whilst the more sensitive boys got girlfriends, did the brunt of the legwork and broke the seal for the rest of us. Ironically, all the boys that had girlfriends at that age ended up getting civil partnerships with each other, and all the boys that were circle jerking worse than the steem whales ended up being hardened darwinian creatures.
Who'd have guessed? Probably most of you, unless that kinda stuff earns you a death penalty.

Anyway, the most recent time I came home, my mother tried to force her agenda upon me once again, after asking if I'd found a girlfriend, she said, rather directly "you've never had a proper girlfriend and you're 19 years old, apart from that one girl but she had barely any tits and you liked doing her from behind" she then proceeded to talk about her gay friends and left a long silent pause as she stared me down, hoping to god I was in the closet. I was going to tell her that I don't need a girlfriend because I'm an emotionally redundant teen in his sexual prime, but that seemed inappropriate. I wasn't just going to randomly tell her I'm not gay - you can't come out as straight! That's not how it works! So instead, I acted as if I wasn't following where the conversation was going, I didn't want to burst her bubble, bless her. Anyway, she bought it because she's also convinced I have autism after I faked the test to get extra time in my exams.

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