Comedy Open Mic Round 12 - New and improved blogging. Now with even more nonsense.

LATEST NEWS: Winston Churchill finally admits he's dead, ending years of speculation that he might possibly be living with Elvis.

(All rights to this picture remain the property of WinstonChurchill.org)

IN PRAISE OF ENGLAND

England, England, England. No I'm not promoting it I loathe and despise Englandland almost as much as the fucking Englishes do. Bunch of cunts to a man. I only wrote that misleading title to lure you in to my dystopian world of squirrel hatred (They are coming for us you know. So don't come crying to me when their freakish little squirrel hands are molesting your nuts). Look I like to think of myself as being a nice reasonable man. Even though I'm not by any stretch of the imagination. I am not trying to offend anyone here. Unless you're an English in which case feel free to get as offended as you like. In fact I insist you are offended by whatever I write. To all of those people who are lucky enough not to know anything about the Englishes and Englandland I should explain. Englandland is a huge mythical island off the coast of Nobody Gives a Fuck. Some parts of it look nice but they are filled with Englishes. Making every place a complete shit hole. They can't help it. It's in their genes. We shouldn't blame them for being mutant freaks but I will because they are Englishes.

There may possibly be Englishes who didn't deserve to be drowned in a large bucket at birth but they're English so why take the risk. They are like rats but far more unpleasant to meet at the dinner table. Imagine if you worked at an English maternity hospital. Oh shit it's another English again, the entirely non-English staff repeatedly lament. Quick drown it in the bucket before it develops an understanding of irony and sarcasm. Only they can't because there isn't enough money to buy a bucket because Englishes are such an enormous drain on the NHS. Take yourself to an English hospital, all you'll find is non-English staff. You wouldn't know it was in England if it wasn't for all the English patients and the overwhelming atmosphere of resigned despair.

Some of the Englishes think their jocular racism is an endearing national quality. They also have the mistaken view that they have a "Special" relationship with the USA. They don't. Americans are merely trying to prevent the mad bastards exporting too many Englishes for the world to cope with. They know that should things get too awful for the Englishes to bear they'll be off colonizing again in their millions. One is more than enough for anybody to have to handle. There are so many different varieties, when the world doesn't need any. There's the drunken abusive ones which are the countries only major export apart from self deprecation. Then there's the insular, isolationist ones who hate anything that might affect the Englishes culture. After all they stole that from everywhere they went. Wouldn't want that changed in any way. Not so much cultural appropriation as sticking a flag in it and telling the locals to fuck off and die.

There is one good thing about them though. They are perfect for annoying the Germans and the Frenches. They annoy everyone else equally but the Germans and the French actually deserve it for being Germanic and Frenchic. They aren't all universally despicable so the country is worth a visit. To avoid massive disappointment you should avoid all the white ones. It's really not worth the risk. So as you can see this wasn't a paid for promotion of England, which has very poor infrastructure and limited parking.

The infrastructure isn't universally abysmal in all fairness. If you go to London you could mistakenly believe you were in a modern western democracy. It's got trains and buses and airports. It's even got policemen ignoring knife crime. They can talk up a storm about things though. Although mostly it's we need more money , earlier retirement and larger pensions due to a massive drop in the bribes they've been able to extort. If you're a poor young girl in London who has been sex trafficked you can rest assured there's a special London police department who will ignore you and say you deserve it anyway for being a 13 year old slut.

Lots of Englishes are very proud of their capital though. That's because their taxes paid for it and are still paying for it now. If they want to find out what their government is doing with all their money they can take a trip there to see it being spent on shit like the London Eye and the Olympics. Which was built in a poverty stricken toxic wasteland before eventually being so gentrified that the original inhabitants who volunteered to work at the Olympics can no longer afford to live there. Don't worry though, those poor people are being rehoused in far cheaper low standard housing that has the added advantage of being even more flammable. These days a lot of that money is being expended on ways to get into and out of London faster. This is vital for their strategy of ethnically cleansing their capital of every trace of poor people. Unfortunately those poor people do all the actual work in London so they can't get rid of them completely. Somebody has to empty the trash bins and sweep the streets at night. Until the robots take over.

This is me criticizing Englishes because they need to be constantly criticized. I'm doing this critic work for free to. Nobody needs to pay me to criticize the Englishes. I will do it for free whenever I can. In fact it's hard work to even try to stop me. I almost hate the Englishes as much as I love criticizing them to be honest. It's a toss up I suppose.

If you needed further proof of how shit they are just look at their royal family. Even they aren't English, they're all German. That means that a German is preferable to an English as a head of state and church. Even the Germans know that's scraping the bottom of the barrel. While no further proof is needed that the Englishes are an unwanted menace I have one last weapon of mass distraction. You see all those history text books. Those are for Englishes. They love history with a near sexual fervor. They love it carnally in seedy motel bedrooms. They treat it like shit to. History is their bitch they can use and abuse without conscience. History only has to be warned to expect a donkey punch in this financial sexual relationship. If you look at history books the vast majority of them were made up by the Englishes. It's thanks to them that you had to learn all that stuff about dead people who in all probability never existed; outside the confused imagination of a sexually repressed, passive aggressive English with a large vocabulary and the need to make shit up

I don't hate all the Englishes all of the time. They do have some admirable traits. Things I value and admire. I mean they invented nearly every sport they are awful at, for a start. Many of them have a good sense of humor although that's simply a safety valve in most cases. They are born fucked, they will die fucked after a fucking miserable life. So they've developed a broad sense of humor about their pointless lives. They have to laugh or go on an extended killing spree. Laughing is cheaper so it leaves more money to buy anesthetizing alcohol. True it still ends in violence every time but it's uncoordinated and ineffectual compared to an assault rifle or machete. All you have to do to prove that is talk to the people who have had contact with Englishes over the centuries. Only you can't because they are all dead either from bullets or paternalistic racism. Their lives lost in experimental warfare. Which the Englishes consider far more benign than the real warfare other nations use. After decades of research into whether machine gun beats pointy stick they finally decided that it was a definite probability but they'd need to nerve gas far more nomadic tribesmen before they could reach a definitive conclusion

So there you go. Balance restored for the hated Englishes. I'm not going to lay a finger on the Welshes, the Scotches or the Irises. The poor fuckers live right next door to them. Honestly you cannot get any lower than living next door to an English. So imagine what it's like living next door to over 50 million of them. You can't though. No matter what you can imagine the actual situation is far worse. So I'm not going to have a pop at those poor bastards stuck on the same island as the Englishes. I'm not one to kick a country when it's down (Unless it's Englandland in which case I'll be breaking ribs and taking a long run up). As you'll see if you search for my output immediately after WW2. Never wrote a harsh word about the Germans. Not even when I was pissed and on Facebook.

I would like to nominate @streetstyle and @dajohns1420 for the next round.