Comedy Open Mic Round 21 : THE VILLAGE : Part 34 - A Girl Notices These Things.

This is the Hawkins Arms Pub in Zelah, Cornwall. Trivia: You will find that the vast majority of older houses in Cornwall, particularly along the coast, are painted white. This is allegedly an aid to sailors and shipping, making the place more identifiable and easier to see. And yes I am still flogging this long dead pony for all it's worth. Which isn't a lot. For those of you who are following this prolonged psychotic delusion, there is a support group. If you make yourself known to them they will arrange the appropriate psychiatric treatment. No animals were harmed in the making of this crime against literature. Although I did have to beat off a polar bear with a 6 month old baby. Relax, the polar bear is fine.

(The copyright for this image is the property of Five Prime)

Now that he was here thrashing this out with Sophie, he found that it wasn't as bad as he'd first thought. Which was saying something. First thoughts are never as bad as second, third and fourth thoughts. As the imagination revs up and gets into gear it produces ever more catastrophic scenario's. At least Michael's did. Logic and reason went out the window as ever more undesirable outcomes were churned out by his pessimistic brain. Which was housed in an optimistic body as far as he could tell. Why else would his heart still be beating? If his brain had its way this would have been over a long time ago. He'd have died peacefully in his sleep dreaming of kittens. Then when he was dead the kittens would have eaten most of his body before it was discovered. There, he'd done it again. Starting off in the realms of reality before drifting into the realms of what genuinely does happen but only very rarely and in exceptional circumstances. Not that this wasn't justified. Michael's life, as far as he could see, was full of exceptional circumstances. The miracle was that his life was remarkably unexceptional. Meaning he'd have to invent a lot of stuff for that autobiography he was never going to write.

It was dawning on Michael that there were four people in his back garden drinking all his beers. Okay, Doogie and Doidge had given them to him in the first place, but he'd assumed they were for his consumption. Not exclusively of course. The "Lads" would drink a few on a Friday night while playing cards. Never a big drinker, he could still hold his own with them for a few hours. While the drunker they got the more Doogie and Doidge like they became, Michael simply became drowsy. Meaning that were he quaffing pints of strong lager in the garden, he'd eventually fall asleep there. His "friends" would leave him wherever he lay. He'd become horribly sun burnt, the combination of sun and salt sea air being near lethal. Leading to some interesting consequences. As anyone who has fallen asleep in the sun will tell you. You don't get an all over tan. You get the shadow of your arm across your chest or only half of your face burnt off. Thus it was inescapable logic that he was missing a huge opportunity for something to whine and moan about. The cost of this arbitration with Sophie was becoming almost too much to bear.

Now he'd lost his place. Michael mentally retraced his steps. They'd been going over the lengthy list of different characters and costumes Sophie had come up with to wear at work. Very small epiphany the masked maniac out of the film franchise called Saw was in fact Jigsaw. Michael had never watched any of them fully. He'd never read Harry Potter or watched Game of Thrones. So why the fuck did he know the name of every single fucking character? How did shit like this happen. It was as if his mind had no filters. It's storage capacity had to be finite. Eventually it would be full of information and memories. At some point, in order to learn something new he'd have to discard something else. Given that he'd already established he had no control over what useless information it picked up, there was a danger that at some point he'd learn the cast list of a random soap opera and forget what a fork was. Ah that was it. He'd vetoed several of Sophie's more psychotic choices, then moved tangentially onto the mock trial and the allegations and charges laid against him. Princess Celestia and Captain Huge Penis, and now he was back in the room.

"Among the other allegations you made against me.. Have you really been sending naked pictures of yourself to someone called called Captain Huge Penis?"
"Have I balls. He's expecting a twelve year old girl. I've got the body of a woman ten years younger but that would be a stretch. Oh no wait. I made that up. Were you jealous?"
"Let's just say I was concerned for now and move on to the sexual harassment charges."
"Oh that's true."
"When have I ever sexually harassed you?"
"You haven't. It's the absence of inappropriate touching I'm opposed to. Holy shit we're in a tiny van. You haven't so much as brushed against my tits. A girl notices these things. I do anyway. Steph thinks she's got problems with her cock drought. I can't remember the last time I had sex. I can't even remember the first time I had sex. I bet I was awesome at it to."
"Leaving that to one side for the moment, why is there a list of Nazi's here?"
"That's purely educational and part of a public service. People are forgetting all about the whole war thing. I know that if we get sufficient numbers and enough uniforms goose stepping their way into classrooms they'll never forget. I thought I'd do Hitler myself. For no other reason than I'm perfect for the role. I'm not the dictator type to be honest."
"Aren't you?"
"Don't you dare contradict me! I can have you shot or hung with piano wire if you don't do as you're told." Sophie calmed herself. "I will be Hitler and you can be Himmler, Goring or Heydrich."
He shook his head.
"Not going to happen... Wait? You want me to dress up as well?"
"Yes. Otherwise it won't make sense. Not every day. At first. We'll start you off easy. Background characters with no dialogue initially. Then as you become more comfortable working in historical costumes we'll build your roles. You can go from second miserable bastard to first miserable bastard in a few weeks. By the end of the year you could make side kick or potentially romantic interest. In a will they won't they sense. Or the are they aren't they one, which is becoming increasingly popular. Don't worry. You'll still be the boss. In name at least. Nobody will know that I'm in complete control of you. Making you dance to my tune. Forcing you into transvestism and partial nudity."
"Right. Every fiber of my being and several generations of my ancestors are telling me this is an awful idea. However if you are willing to forgo the ridiculous ones like Optimus Prime, Freddie Kruger, Edward Scissorhands, Adolf Hitler..."
"Oh come on! Adolf isn't even dangerous."
"I'm not so sure about that. Let's ask the tens of millions who died because of him shall we? But we can't because they are all dead. I'm ruling him out on the grounds of bad taste."
"Oo just remembered something."
"Jesus Christ. Okay let's have it then."
"We're having shepherds pie tonight, my favorite."
"How is that relevant?"
Sophie raised her eyebrows skyward and shrugged.
"How is anything relevant? Especially given the fact we're all filling in the time until we plunge into eternal darkness. I like shepherds pie. Especially the way my mum makes it. Do you think it's wrong that I still live with my parents at my age? How old am I anyway?"
Michael chuckled. This unaccustomed exercise of facial muscles actually hurt.
"Stop. We are never going to get anywhere at this rate. The way our minds skip all over the place. Penny does make a good shepherds pie though. The carrots and peas are just right. Such a small thing that makes all the difference. While I'm going over old times, for the record, do you admit that none of the allegations and charges laid against me today were true?"
"No. But also yes. It depends how you interpret them. What can I say? I'm just very creative with my use of language."
"The way you make it mean anything you want it to?"
"Correct."
"Do you at least accept that the reason I haven't paid you yet is because you've only just started?"
"No. I understand that it's customary to pay people their salaries on a monthly basis. I don't accept it though."
"Why not?"
"Well every single reason the custom and practice of doing this developed, is now gone. It's all computerized and automated. In most cases no cash is involved. Theoretically each and every employee could be paid daily. As could their taxation. It would actually benefit all parties and the government. As it stand now a company that's headed down the shitter can get a whole months work out of their people, then claim they're unable to pay them their wages or severance."
Michael found this quite insightful. It seemed true although he knew there'd be a million bullshit objections and fake complications that would be made.
"I don't understand what's stopping you becoming the CEO of a huge conglomerate."
"Most would put it down to sexism. Really it's because I'm too short."
"That's your theory?"
"No it's a fact. Being a CEO isn't based on ability. It's based on height. That's why only 4% of the population is over six foot three but 30% of CEO's are. If you're short you're fucked as far as climbing the corporate ladder goes. Now if you look at self made people. Those who've worked their way up from nothing to being billionaires. They're quite normal and include a lot of people below average height."
At this juncture Stephanie put her head round the door. Not drunk but heading in that direction and about to arrive shortly.
"Are you two playing nicely?"
"I think we're in danger of reaching some kind of agreement." Michael admitted grudgingly. "There are some sticking points that still need hammering out."
"Speaking of hammering Steph." Sophie added. "Any chance of Doidge doing that to your twinkle cave yet?"
Steph frowned.
"He's barely budged. I haven't got three words out of him yet. Except fnarr, mergh or hmmpf."
"Why don't you drag him down behind the shed and throw your leg over his manly thews. You'd have him broken in, in less than a minute."
"Yeah I know, but he's really good looking and not a complete asshole. He genuinely respects me, which is a horrific pain, but it's so sweet and I don't want to come down off the pedestal he's put me on. Not yet I don't. I'd love a bit of romance before he starts fumbling with my bra strap. While I'd be overjoyed to rub up against him and flutter my eyelashes I think there's a danger it will scare him off. I'm taking it slowly."
"Hold on shouldn't that be the other way round."
"You'd think so wouldn't you. I look at it as us not having your stereotypical relationship."
"Is that working for you?"
"Not that I've noticed. Anyway you kids keep up the good work. I'm going to try the "my legs are too short" gambit again. This time he might leap in and insist that my legs are perfect."
"You should go with chunky thighs and fat ankles. Only that's far more believable so he may agree."
Steph poked her tongue out at Sophie.
"Not my Herbert. He's not like other men. Oh God, now I've said that I'm hoping it's not true. They might be simple minded and only out for one thing but that's what's so good about them. They are so easy to read. I'm going. For real this time."
Stephanie left. The two of them were silent for a moment.
"You know I can't pay you daily don't you? The next payroll run is in two weeks time. You'll be paid then."
"Brilliant." Sophie replied sarcastically. "Then I'll only have three weeks money to last a whole month."
"Hold on you weren't even employed ten days ago. It's not like you're desperately in need of cash is it."
"It's the principle. That's all I'm saying. I am a woman of principle if nothing else. Now say something dirty to me." A slight pause before a breathy, "Boss."
"Your mind."
Sophie pretended offence.
"Good God that's disgusting. Typical. You had to take it too far didn't you. That's pure filth and I should know, I live there. Now hurry up and make a few concessions or I'll have you back inside a courtroom."
"To continue. Before I do that though it should be pointed out that so far you're the one who's been making concessions. Admittedly I've made a couple but I've removed several of these ridiculously over the top proposals of yours."
"I don't care. They were only in there so I could concede them anyway. They weren't serious. Merely bargaining counters."
"Great so no Edward Scissorhands, Optimus Prime or any other Transformers stroke Decepticons then."
"I've changed my mind. I'm walking away from the negotiating table unless you can guarantee my right to be a Transformer at some future point. In addition you must agree to becoming one or more of the Decepticons."
"Oh bugger. Okay I'm not going to dress up as a Nazi of any description. Neither will I allow any of the more extreme characters onto the library van. However I will phase in me wearing historical costumes over a period to be negotiated at a later date. Plus, provided I have final approval of the costume I will allow one Transformer of your choice and I'll be a Decepticon."
Sophie did a double fist pump.
"That's right bitch. I'm Optimus Prime and I always win in the end. Fuck you Megatron."

I would like to nominate @rodsquad and @mr-rudro for the next round.