Comedy Open Mic Round 31 : OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 29 - WHAT ARE YOU TWO COCK SUCKERS UP TO?

As someone famous once said "there's not enough hate in this world". It might have been love, but essentially love and hate are both exactly the same thing viewed from slightly different perspectives. Besides which love backwards is EVOL and economist backwards is TSIMONOCE! Do you understand what that means? Yes, that's right. I'm having another psychotic break. I've no idea which famous person said the hate thing, but that doesn't matter, they are a genius. Since we simply don't have enough hate to go around I think it's about time we all put our heads together and came up with a new kind of hate. A hate nobody has ever thought of before. A newer, better, far more fatal kind of hate. That would be an achievement and it would make the whole world a much better place to die young in. So few people get the chance to die young these days and that's a tragedy. It was all the rage back in the GOOD OLD DAYS. With a little help from those antivaxxers we can bring those glorious days back again. We won't be able to do this overnight. Yet slowly but surely we can create a new Dark Age for humanity. All it takes is a little bit of effort and a lot of hate. Please give generously.

(The copyright for this image is the property of Dain Yoon)

Here he was making his escape from a universe that was completely fucked. His own hands weren't entirely clean in this matter. While he hadn't been the one who fucked it, he'd be providing the finishing touch. At least he would do very shortly, if all went well. With his two trusty companions in tow, he'd thrown self preservation out of the window. In order to save that damsel in distress. Conscious that it was highly probable he'd been the one to distress her in the first place. Rather than a rescue mission this had all the hallmarks of a hurried cover up. For the sake of his suddenly active conscience. This wasn't an adventure as such. However it was a nice gentle introduction into the new action packed life he would be leading.

All he had to do was persuade a young attractive Polish woman, who had good reasons to suspect he was a predatory sex pest, to accompany them to the next portal that would open between dimensions. Doubtless Nadia would be suspicious of his motives. Given their brief, but incident packed history this was unavoidable. He had two trump cards going in. His two trusty companions no less. One of whom was in Jake's head and the other one was invisible. Who in their right mind wouldn't be persuaded by that scenario? It had tortured, raped and murdered written all over it? This plan had success written all over it. What could possibly go wrong, apart from everything. He was still confident though. Despite those huge odds, Jake knew this would work. Angelique and Hermes would see to that. Possibly. He wasn't too sure about the precise details of his belief/hope/delusional dream, but at least he had one. Which was more than you could say for that street sign over there.

Oh Christ, he was loosing it. Jake wasn't brave or adventurous. His entire life so far had been mapped out to avoid having to be either. Always taking the path of least resistance. His aversion to risk of any sort had kept him safe and boring until very recently. Nevertheless here he was cautiously driving along a suburban street in broad daylight. In a vehicle that was not officially road worthy, licensed or taxed. He was gripping the steering wheel so tightly his hands might never let go. They'd be fused to it by the sheer pressure. Keeping within the speed limit while at the same time never going too slowly so as to avoid suspicion. Getting pulled over by the police at this point would be, to put it mildly, counterproductive. Aw shit, he'd forgotten his driving license wasn't valid as well.

"You seem a bit tense." Hermes offered. "Would you like me to do something about that?"
"What, like fumble around in my underpants for a few minutes?" Jake retorted.
"You just won't let that lie will you. How many times do I have to tell you I was searching for the firewave inductor?"
"I don't know. Nobody has ever plundered my intimate bits, while I slept, before."
"Plundered your intimate bits, where the hell did that come from?"
"I don't know. As you so rightly pointed out I am currently feeling tense and stressed."
"Of course," Angelique interjected, "you could always ask Hermes what he can do about that. Don't let me interrupt your petty bickering though."
A lengthy minute of silence followed. As Hermes and Jake reflected on their childish behavior. Each knowing that the other was 100% to blame for this.
"Fine." Jake capitulated first. "What can you do about my stress levels Hermes?"
"Depends which way you want to go. I can have your neurons pumping out dopamine in no time. If you'd like something a bit more exotic or pharmaceutical, I can cook up whatever your heart desires. From THC to PCP."
"What would the chef recommend?" Jake asked grudgingly.
"Well if it were me I'd go for the dopamine. At least initially. We can see how that turns out and if necessary adjust our strategy as required."
"May I have some dopamine please Hermes."
"Only too happy to help. Here you go."
Happiness seeped into his whole body. Jake managed to relax his death grip on the steering wheel. In fact he was able to relax all over.
"Thank you Hermes. This is quite pleasant."
Angelique interjected.
"There has been another time slip. Nadia has skipped forward eleven minutes and 47 seconds. This has made things more difficult I fear."
"How?" Jake blurted.
"It is best for you to discover this yourself." The enigmatic woman replied.
"Fine." Jake declared in a tone that indicated it most certainly was not. "For the sake of the newbie here, does that mean we've all moved forward or is it only Nadia?"
"Only her. It does mean we will have to wait until she returns to her timeline within this universe."
Jake glanced at the satnav.
"Cool. Now does this route take us to where she was or where she will be?"
"It will take us to where she most probably will be. With a time slip there is always a margin of error."

Much to Jake's annoyance the path now led to the hostel where he'd dropped Nadia off, the only time they'd really interacted. This time shit was really starting to piss him off. No wonder physicists wanted to get rid of it. All it did was make things far more difficult. At first the linguistic bit had seemed awkward but funny. Now it was all pure annoyance. It brought up logical questions with illogical answers. For instance why couldn't they see Nadia in the now? She'd skipped a bit of her path, but how the hell was she going to get from where she had been to where she'd eventually be, without passing through anything in between? It was nonsense. He needed Doctor Who or that guy out of the time travel program he was confusing with Quantum Leap. It definitely wasn't the 4400. Plus given the amount of dopamine now coursing through his body he must be even more pissed off than he actually felt.

There was no other conclusion, based on fact, time was an absolute bastard. It's inconsistency always worked against you. If you were told you only had eleven minutes to live it would be far too short. On the other hand if you had to walk through fire for eleven minutes it would be far too long and even more fatal. Same period of time diametrically opposite, yet always negative, results. Whoever had come up with it should be ashamed of themselves. Please let it be more than two minutes since he'd last looked at the time. Jake left it for as long as his only remaining nerve could take it before it snapped. Bollocks. One minute 57 seconds. So close. If he didn't fret about the waiting he'd have to think about stuff and things while he waited. Like would Angelique or Hermes always intervene when it was absolutely vital they did? They were his backup here. Three men came along the path from the main road. Deep in conversation. So deep they bumped into his car. Two of them gestured angrily and banged on the roof. Jake pretended not to notice. He wouldn't want those men to think he was pissed off at them after all. They entered the hostel building eventually.

Still no sign of Nadia. He was scanning the area in every direction he could think of. There was a need to intercept the young woman before she entered her room. Once she was inside it would be that much harder to get her out. Perhaps he would be better off thinking how he'd broach the subject. Excuse me Nadia, you may remember me from that taxi ride into hell that I took you on. Anyway my two invisible friends and I would like to whisk you away to another dimension because you shouldn't really be in this one. What woman in their right mind wouldn't accept that? Offering her money wouldn't work. Unless he laid a trail of banknotes all the way to his car and then locked her inside. For a moment that idea had legs. It was the only idea he'd come up with. It deserved to be appreciated for what it was. A pile of crap. Angelique grasped his arm.

"She's here."
Jake's head very nearly spun off his shoulders as it twisted and turned in every direction at once.
"I can't see her." He admitted.
"Nadia is within the building. On its upper floor. She is making her way to her room. If you move quickly you will catch her."
He lost seconds fumbling with the door handle before falling out of the car. The chase was on, or would be when his legs got themselves sorted out. It felt like they were on random shuffle. Jake hurried in though the entrance and took the stairs. As he neared the top he could hear raised voices. Male and female. The door at the top opened into the corridor. There, at the far end, were Nadia and the three men who'd collided with his car. The men had her boxed in and it didn't look like they were doing that out of the kindness of their hearts. One of them reached out to fondle Nadia's breast. She batted him away as another tried to molest her. Jake considered his options here.
"Damn. There's three of them. I'm pretty sure I could take out two but three is a bit much. Let's see what this is about first before rushing in. It could all be perfectly innocent. Those men could be Nadia's friends for all we know." One of the men slapped her hard across the face. "Now that doesn't prove anything either way."
"Are you listening to yourself?" Hermes asked incredulously.
"No. Because I'm talking bullshit. However I think you'll find that there being three big aggressive men is a great excuse. Now would be a good time to issue me with the rocket boots and laser rifle. Body armor is desirable not compulsory."
"One of them's leaving. Now's your chance." Hermes advised.
Indeed he was leaving. Heading towards the fire exit at the other end. The bastard.
"Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. Let's see if he's going, going or if he's coming back."
"He'll be gone for at least ten minutes." Angelique said. "His room is on the ground floor."
Right now, Jake desired nothing as much as a short pop quiz on how she knew this. Only the two remaining men had gone from intimidating to accosting with menaces.
"HEY. YES YOU. WHAT ARE YOU TWO COCK SUCKERS UP TO?" He screamed at the top of his lungs. His purpose two fold. One to attract their attention. Two to attract the attention of everyone else in the building. Only the first one worked. The two men were accelerating towards him. Nadia temporarily forgotten.
"Heart rate, blood pressure and adrenaline spiking. Fight or flight reflexes engaged." Hermes helpfully provided.
His reaction times were most definitely at their ultimate peak. Within 2 milliseconds of hearing that Jake was flying. All part of his cunning plan to lure them away, lose them and then double back. Yeah that's what he'd intended all along, Jake decided as he took the stairs two at a time. Those men were a lot closer now and a lot bigger than they looked from a distance. The quicker of the pair was gaining rapidly. Jake headed straight for the exit, crashing through the door. At the second attempt after smashing through the toughened glass. He should have noticed they only opened inwards on the way in. Too late now.

For some reason he was heading towards his car. On the basis that once he reached it he'd be home so they couldn't tag him. Keeping it between him and the faster of the men took him around it three times. A perfect route until the slower one puffed his way into view. That one had a feral grin. Not the nice one either. The first one looked very pleased as well. Until Jake took his chance, while the fat one was gasping for oxygen, and darted past him back towards the entrance. This time the door was a bit easier to negotiate. Jake raced up the steps his legs pumping for all they were worth. Last month this much exercise would have killed him. Now he'd be the fittest corpse in the morgue. What a fucking idiot he was being. The largest of the three had left through the only other exit. Now Jake was in danger of being cornered. Who had he been kidding with his adventuring assumptions. He wasn't a fighter. He was a flighter. A ludicrously stupid plan, based on even more stupid assumptions, congealed inside his idiotic head.

Stopping at the top of the stairs he looked down. The men had stuck together. Knowing that this was the most effective way to deal with him. They knew their comrade would block off the only other egress. They took their time. Caught their breath and only then set off upwards. He waited for them to pass the half way point, then threw himself at them. Arms spread wide and hoping that whatever damage he'd inflict on himself would be repaired by Hermes. Who, judging by the lack of pain involved in the collision, was already doing a stand up job. The three of them all came to a sliding halt at the bottom. Jake lying motionless upon their crumpled bodies for a rest. The landing had been a lot softer than he'd imagined. After doing a comprehensive inventory it didn't look like any damage had been incurred. He disentangled himself from their distorted limbs and stood up.

"How long do you reckon they'll be out for?" He asked Hermes. Angelique was still right where he'd left her in the entrance to the corridor of the upper floor.
"This is only a very rough estimate based on limited information so there is a margin of error. I'd guess forever. They're both dead. You killed them instantly when you snapped their necks. You animal. You absolute animal."
Hermes was enjoying this. Jake on the other hand wasn't entirely happy with the results.
"Aw fuck! I'm going to have to get rid of their bodies now. That's going to be an horrific pain."
"Bung them in the trunk of the car. They won't be discovered until after we leave this dimension. Who gives a shit about that."
"Good point."
Without even thinking he grabbed a leg of each of them and started dragging them back to his vehicle. Ah well you lived and you learned. Although in their case they'd died and ended up in the boot of a car. One that had, had at least enough room for another couple of bodies. An additional little bit of wisdom had been learned today.
"So we fetching Nadia now?" Hermes burbled. His spirits had certainly lifted now there were casualties.
"No. Let's take care of the other one."
The man was big but he wasn't smart. All Jake had to do was go up the fire exit at the other end of the building then shout at the guy looking everywhere for his companions between banging on a door. Presumably Nadia's. Having shouted all he had to then do was hide and wait until numb nuts rushed out the door. One push and he and the ground had a violent meeting.
"Bad luck." Hermes commiserated. "That one's still alive. Let's get down there and finish him off."
"Fuck off. I'm not carrying that one anywhere. He's not going to be any trouble right where he is. By the way, are you preventing me from loosing my shit over the murder of two men?"
"Oh yep. I've got your back there Jake. You are a bad ass."

The next part could prove very difficult. The avatar of Angelique was standing outside the door to what had to be Nadia's room. This might prove to be impossible unless he kicked his way in. Guaranteed that even though no one had showed up when he'd been running for his life they'd swarm if he forced an entry. He approached the door, knocked, then knocked again. Still no answer from inside. He looked at Angelique questioningly, she nodded. Right here goes, Jake thought, now I have to go through the lengthy process of persuading a woman my intentions are honorable. That the far fetched tale I unfold is true as well. Then hopefully she'll at least open the door. He placed his head against the door and raised his voice several decibels above conversational level.

"Hello. Nadia? This is Jake Halliday. The guy who paid your outstanding rent. I am going to ask you the impossible and that's to trust every word I'm about to say. It's for your own good. You are not safe here and we need to get you home as soon as we can. When I say we I'm being 100% truthful. There are three of us and one of us is a woman. She's invisible and mad as this will seem the other male is made up of millions of tiny robots that are inside my body right now."
At that point the door flew open sending him staggering into the room. Nadia stood there with an overcoat on and her 3 suitcases.
"Thank fucks for this. I am going insane with this backwards shit hole world. They not even have basic 10G mobile telecommunications yet and wifi is pieces of shit. Do you know they not even have Potato Hunter in this God forsaken piss pot?"

I would like to nominate @elizabethbit and @mile-high-fan-07 for the next round.