Comedy Open Mic Round 33 (Entry #2) : OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 45 - Designation Unknown.

Dear Hollywood celebrity: (insert self important cunts name here), I've just this minute put my hand into boiling oil. It hurts. Do you think I should take my hand out? You see the trouble is that not being a multimillionaire media star I have no idea about anything. I need someone with nothing but the ability to pretend to be someone they aren't, to tell me exactly what to think and do. Otherwise I'm fucked. I need the clarity of vision that having to suck a producers cock has given the Hollywood elite. Despite Harvey and the whole #metoo cosmetic make over that Hollywood pretended to do I know that right now a producer's cock is being sucked somewhere. Thank God. Getting down there on their knees sucking on that cock and several others, if it's necessary for their career, gives them a view of the world most of us never see. A fat ugly cunts belly resting and sweating on their foreheads mostly. Keep up the good work anyway. I'll be having a sloppy shit later how many sheets of paper should I use?

(The copyright of this image is the property of Dain Yoon.)

Jake found it mildly disappointing that stepping through the blue wall of the dome was such an anticlimax. In the sense that it was as simple as taking a step. There were no weird unearthly sensations, all that happened was a slight stumble because the ground was lower inside. That aside the vista was very confusing. As far as he could tell this was a Victorian period street with the obligatory sulfurous fog. That deadened all sound. He heard the peep of a police whistle and the clip clop of horses hooves pulling a rattling carriage. Every so often he'd catch a glimpse of an indistinct figure. In period dress if their vague silhouettes were to be believed. Not the space age super city he'd imagined. Could this be some kind of historical exhibit or even a museum? Actually had this world ever had a Victorian era? Honda had stated he was over 300 years old. Though that didn't rule out the possibility they had an analogous period here that very closely resembled nineteenth century London.

He contented himself with examining the immediate proximity before attempting to move on. The cobbles looked and felt genuine. The pollution stained walls did also. Even the flickering gas street lights were authentic. No sign of Honda though.

"Excuse me Jake."
The blood in his veins turned to ice as his bowels turned to water.
"Holy fucking shit." Jake exclaimed to thin air.
"Could I trouble you for the return of the Exterior Transit Band? Only I have to return it."
The terror subsided as he recognized the voice of Honda Kawasaki. That name still having the power to make him think this still might be a near death hallucination.
"Where are you?" Jake asked his head twisting randomly.
"Right next to you. The field rendering me invisible is stronger in here than outside."
"Why didn't you let me know you were here as soon as I stepped inside?"
"I'm nosy I guess. I rarely get out of my own zone. Being invisible is very hazardous in the common areas."
"I suppose it would be in most situations. Never thought about that before. Here you go."
Jake divested himself of the transit band, holding it out in the direction of the voice. The band disappeared from his outstretched palm.
"Thank you." Honda said.
"Don't suppose you have any advice on which direction to go do you?"
"It doesn't really make much difference which path you follow. All of them will eventually take you out of this zone. Is there a particular historical period you prefer?"
"I'd prefer to be somewhere a lot less anachronistic. In the historical period of now, which according to you has been the same for hundreds of years."
"Oh it has. This particular simulation has been running for centuries. It was very popular once. Not so much now."
When nothing further was forthcoming, Jake paraphrased his previous question.
"Is it a case of left for further back in time and right for more recent or what?"
"No. It's like I said. You can go in any direction. Eventually you'll reach its boundary and exit the zone. The historical zones aren't linked in any way. We had a lot of problems back when I was young. Hovertanks and automated drones invading ancient Rome. They put in safeguards and restrictions but people bypassed them."
"Do you have any idea how to get to the space port?"
"What's a space port?"
The surprise here was that Jake wasn't surprised. All his interactions went this way lately.
"It's a port where ships that go into space, dock."
"Well I can't help you then. I've only ever been here. The only real traveling I've done is to where you found me. Now I think of it I don't know if I've met anyone who wasn't from here."
This was enlightening. Jake was now among the most well traveled people in Bristol. Merely by walking here from the settlement. The two of them parted company at this point. Honda back to his own zone and Jake along a narrow fog filled street.

The transition from Victorian London to not Victorian London came suddenly. Again no sensation. A single step and his location switched instantly. He stepped back into history then exited it again. He'd done this three or four times before he noticed the floating sphere with the blinking lights. How long had that been there he wondered? The ball was segmented. Horizontally, vertically as well as diagonally. Almost a Rubik's cube, only far more sophisticated and probably harder to solve. Not knowing what it was doing Jake ignored it, although he stopped hoping back into the historical zone. For now. Now he was taking a look round this was much more like it. You could definitely tell you were in a futuristic setting. With the knowledge this might also be a simulation.

There was a boulevard at least one hundred meters wide stretched out before him. Slightly curved and with taller and taller buildings in regular steps from the boulevard itself. Lots of glass and steel as far as the eye could see. Some of it illusory if his instinct was right. Things still didn't feel right. Something here was amiss. Standing here looking up and down this vista felt wrong. When it hit him he almost laughed. There were hardly any people here either. No vehicles either. A good look round revealed only three other individuals. Hadn't Pip stated there were tens of millions in Bristol. Which was a very small city in comparison to others such as London, New York and Beijing. Freaky weird while at the same time very exciting. Imagine the fun he could have wandering a near empty city from the future. He couldn't. No matter how hard he tried. Jake had too little information about anything. Only a dim memory of skateboarding and using a Segway a couple of times. Given enough time and better understanding of what was available he would have been able to imagine all sorts. He was sure of that.

Not having anything else to do he set off along what he decided was a sidewalk. For all he knew it could be the roof of the layer of buildings below this level. The first thing of interest he spotted on his stroll, was a vending machine. It had pictures of things that caused him to experience hunger and thirst. He pressed one experimentally. It made an unpleasant noise. Nothing else happened so he did it again. No. It only made the squawk a bit louder. Like every other vending machine it must require cash up front. No slot to put it in due to this being a digital currency reality. This could prove to be a problem. Unless? Unless his firewave inductor had a handy little app on it. It was worth a shot. The update would be finished by now. That card Honda had given him could have been full of virtual currency. Jake gave a little mischievous giggle as he got it out.

"Halt. Unauthorized technology discovered." A gruff masculine voice declared.
Bollocks. He'd been so busy ignoring the sphere he'd forgotten all about it. Hiding the firewave now wouldn't help.
"Uh... Hello? New arrival here."
He had no idea if that would have any effect. All he was doing was playing for time.
"Scans indicate unknown."
"Yes. I'm new here. My name is Jake Halliday from thread.... something or other."
"Identify." The voice commanded.
"I just did you syphilitic testicle. My name is Jake Halliday. I'm from another reality."
"Identify immediately."
"Yeah. Saying the same thing over and over again isn't getting us anywhere."
"Identify immediately. Remedial action will commence in five seconds."
"Still not helping." Two very sinister things emerged from the sphere pointing directly at him. Possibly weapons and definitely not something he fancied being probed by. "This looks bad in a fatal way." The firewave came alive in his hand drawing his attention to its flashing screen. "Foxtrot, Uniform, Charlie, Kilo. Yankee, Oscar, Uniform."
The words coming out of his mouth as he read them off the firewave.
"Malfunction. Error. Error. Malfunc... Please hold while we perform an emergency reboot. Once this is complete we will... Have a happy, happy time at Marco's. Transfatisfaction granted to bleed. Nodules. Mary had a little bike, she rode it through the grass. And every time the wheels went round the spokes flew up her ass. Cock in your ear. Everybody loves the new cock in your ear..... delete, delete, delete...."
The sphere was having a complete fit. The moving sections twisting and twirling haphazardly. A halo of sparks forming around the exterior. Jake was still finding it hard to believe that spelling out fuck you in the phonetic alphabet had caused this.
"Sorry. Can't stop I've got places to go."
The sphere stopped it's spinning and juddering.
"The Wanderer returns. Welcome Wanderer. How can I be of assistance?"
"Yeah I've been bitten by that particular bug quite a few times. What can you actually do?"
"This unit can arrest, detain, disable and kill in twenty seven different ways."
"What are you like at procuring food, drink and money?"
Jake recoiled as those menacing probe things emerged again. The sphere shot the vending machine. Some kind of energy beam. Judging by the large holes it melted in the poor thing. Two items fell out onto the ground.
"Will these be sufficient Wanderer?"
He looked at them.
"Both coffee flavored protein bars. The only thing I like that's coffee flavored is coffee. I'll leave them thanks."
"I can try again if you like."
Jake visualized what that would be like.
"No you're alright thanks. It was more the money I wanted."
"What is money?"
"Awwww bugger. Credits?"
"Designation unknown."
"I presumed as much. Will there be any repercussions with you destroying this thing?"
"Five units are already converging on this area. They will be here shortly."
"I've got a rough idea but what will they do when they get here."
"They will terminate this unit."
"I can live with that."
"And you."
"Well that puts an entirely different perspective on things." Jake replied as he started to run along the street in the direction of away. Looking over his shoulder he spotted two spheres then another zeroing in on the wrecked vending machine. Plus his newest acquaintance following him obediently. "Look I have the impression you might come in handy at some point. What's your name?" He panted.
"Fuck You."
"Same to you, you piece of shi.. Oh I get it. Somebody's got a sense of humor. I'm hoping it's me."

I would like to nominate @blanchy and @cosimo for the next round.