Comedy Open Mic Round 39/40 (Entry #2): OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 78 - Do You Think You're Amusing?

I still have no idea what is going on with this COM thing. Where did I go wrong? They haven't written or even sent me a text. Was it something I said? Well there's no point dwelling on the past so let's move on. As my mother used to say life is for the living. The mad old bitch. Of course it is. What kind of living do the dead make? There's an enormous wage gap there nobody is talking about. There are a few dead authors, musicians and artists who still make a bit but that doesn't make up for all those dead people who can't find a job. I have exposed this scandal before obviously. As soon as I was made aware of the shocking treatment dead people receive and how much they are discriminated against, I spoke out. Now I suppose I'm paying the price for being so caring and considerate to others. That was until I discovered that the dead aren't even a minority. Most of the people there have ever been are dead. It's over 90% of the population. They aren't being discriminated against. They are simply too lazy to get up and go out to find a job, such as wedging a door open or providing support for a wheelchair ramp. So I've turned on them like the back stabbing bastard I am. Next time I meet a dead person I'm going to ignore them. There's no point telling them what you think of their decadent lifestyles. They won't listen. They never do. They don't even try to see things from our point of view. They are parasitic scum in my opinion. Sucking the life out of society by dying. Of course as soon as I'm dead I'll change my point of view 180 degrees again.

(The copyright for this image is the property of The McBaileys.)

Jake stood up slowly. He'd been talking to Hermes, while polishing his weapon. An unfortunate phrase, but true. Nothing had changed apart from the voice in his head. The more he examined his current situation the more aware he became of the possibility he was clinically and dangerously insane. When you've got two different voices in your head, which one do you listen to? There was no doubting the voice wasn't Hermes. It felt different, although he couldn't have described why that was. Still holding his trusty shotgun, Jake turned. He'd assumed he was still in his bedroom. Based on him not having moved and everything looking exactly the same. Turning round had been a big mistake. Without any other sensation than a vague feeling of disorientation. The bedroom was gone. Instead he was now inside a kaleidoscope of unknown dimensions. Constantly changing tessellated triangles surrounded him. Their surfaces a swirl of blue. From deep, near black, to pale blue. The darker bits reminded him of the scans they'd taken of his brain tumor that wasn't really a tumor. Briefly he wondered how that was getting on. All signs of his bedroom had vanished

He was well armed. Jake knew that wouldn't make any difference here. One thing for sure, he was no longer in Kansas. Perhaps if he clicked his heels he'd be back in his bedroom. Were they, whoever they were, trying to hypnotize him? The constantly changing triangles of blue were doing funny things to his eyes. Now he had a near overwhelming impulse to shoot something. That big triangle over there was looking at him in a provocative manner. It would be counterproductive, he decided. The itch persisted while he kept turning. Danger could come from any direction. Including the ceiling. He looked up. No sign of trouble there. Only more triangle. There was a small possibility this was all part of his plan. The plan he knew nothing about. Rather than spirit Pip away Grundel had taken other measures. For unknown purposes.

"Grundel buddy, if this is your work I will be putting a complaint in to HR about it." No response. He hadn't expected one. "Where the hell am I then?" Jake mused aloud.
"You're inside me." The feminine voice answered. This time he heard it with his ears.
Now, ordinarily an attractive female voice would engender trust. His recent experiences had cured him of making that mistake. He didn't raise his weapon, he didn't have a target. His fingers tightened around it as he continued turning. Not particularly logical seeing as, according to that voice, wherever he was looking she was there.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to barge in uninvited like that. I hope there are no hard feelings. I'll be on my way as soon as I find the way out."
"Do you think you're amusing?"
"There's a wide range of opinions on that. I find myself incredibly amusing. It's only everybody else who doesn't. Where are Pip and Hermes?" Still slowly revolving on the spot.
"Exactly where they were when you left them. Completely safe and unharmed"
There was a major difference of opinion here.
"I didn't leave them did I? You brought me here." He still couldn't work out where that voice was coming from.
"Against you will? Isn't that what you were going to say?"
"No. I was going to ask if you did any other tricks apart from the disembodied voice. It's good. I've rarely heard better. Do you have any other talents? Any Less annoying ones would be good."
"I could kill you if you'd like?"
"Wait. Wait. Wait. Death or continuing to listen to you? That's a difficult one. They both have absolutely nothing going for them although I expect death would end up being a lot less painful. Right now the only thing I'm getting is giddy. Do you get cobwebs? Only I haven't seen one since I came here, now that I think of it. Who does your cleaning? I'd love to know. Your interior designer? Not so much. I think you gave them a bit too much creative freedom. It's just an opinion. I'm full of them. Well it's been lovely being in you. If you're ever in my neck of the woods again, please don't hesitate to fuck right off."
From directly behind him came a deliciously melodious laugh.
"I knew I could make you swear. You naughty boy."
Tall, voluptuous and chestnut hair. But Jake knew that before he turned around. Recognizing a woman he didn't recognize was par for this course. Welcome to Wonderland.
"We've met before haven't we." Not a question. A statement of fact.
"I was going to do the whole Matrix Revolutions thing. You know. With all the screens showing different versions of you meeting me. Dressed in white so you'd know I was evil. That's a thing now isn't it? Where you've come from this time. I knew you'd see through it Wanderer. The Wanderer has returned. Welcome Wanderer. Please take a seat."
"I've been getting that a lot lately. No idea what it means and nobody is willing to explain it to me." Jake pulled up a chair on the front porch of the beach house. His host was already seated facing him. Her long legs crossing and uncrossing. "Are you trying to flash me?"
"Of course I am. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. Machine logic can't work it out."
He settled into his seat.
"Only you're not a machine. You're the culmination of the program that produced Grundel Spagthorpe."
She clapped her hands with delight.
"I do love it when you're all clever and intuitive. It gives me hope that you'll turn out to be the real deal this time."
Elbows on knees he cupped his face in his hands with a groan.
"Yes I know. I'm one of many potential candidates for the position. One I didn't apply for mainly because I have no idea what it means. You're not going to tell me anything. Before we continue, is this one of the bits that will be wiped from my memory?"
She pouted.
"Oooo. I hope you'll remember me." Her eyebrows waggled suggestively. "You don't know how lucky you are Jake. Not knowing your previous incarnations does away with so much of the boredom. Me I have to remember everything in full detail. Imagine what it would be like if every time you were born your first thought was "Christ here we go again".
"I suppose you've got a point there. So in any of these previous incarnations, do I know your name?"
She did the sexy eyebrow raising.
"You call me any names you like. I've been a naughty girl again." Her voice husky and sexually charged. She switched seamlessly into seriousness. "This Ashenram has thrown a spanner in the works hasn't it. That's why I've got you here. Angelique thought it would be a good idea to distract you while Pip goes through a similar experience."
"Okay. So is she in you as well."
"Get those thoughts right out of your dirty perverted mind." The redhead burst into fits of giggles. "I'm sorry. I'm getting over excited again. My name is as it's always been. Raven. I'm considering changing it. Do you think it suits me? Only ravens are black and sinister. I'm light and fluffy."
"And could swat an entire planet like a fly. Well Raven, how can I be of assistance?"
"What? No foreplay? Same old Wanderer I see." Raven was looking at him expectantly.
Somewhere deep inside his subconscious he could feel the bubbles of intentionally suppressed memory surfacing.
"You're partly based on me aren't you. Only you're a lot better at it than I am."
The excited hand clap greeted his realization. It was a mannerism he would have found irritating in the extreme with any other individual.
"We're going to spend some subjective time together. Getting intimate."
Her fingers reached out to stroke his cheek. That would have been a neat trick when they were four feet apart on the porch. It was very easy now that they were lying naked in bed together. Something else had changed. Jake cautiously lifted the covers.
"Why have I got an erection? This is your doing isn't it?"
"I hope so. I'd be upset if you were getting wood on somebody else's behalf. Come on Jake. Jump aboard. One more for old times sake. This isn't real. Nobody will know except me and you. What harm can it do?" Her hand slowly slid across his hip.
"Don't you dare." He had a difficult time keeping a straight face there. "Leave it alone."
"Hair trigger eh. Never mind. At least it's cheered you up a bit. I'm afraid you're going to need a bit more training Jake. That Ashenram is completely buggering up the narrative. Right now you were supposed to be aboard the Scarlet Harlot and heading off into The Never. After a couple of wrong turns and a misunderstanding with Lady Margaret that got you imprisoned. Angelique doesn't seem as bothered as she should be though. She's got the advantage of being everywhere and everywhen. Foiling Jean-Pierre could be the making of the next Wanderer. That's my guess. I say guess, but it's really a 57% probability based on the data we have. That's the good news."
"What's the bad news?" Jake asked with some trepidation.
They were back on the porch before he'd finished the sentence.
"You've got a less than 5% chance of succeeding unless some wild card we're unaware of turns up."
"What's the chances of that happening?"
"About a million to one against."
He looked out over the sea, drawing a deep cleansing breath.
"Well according to the literary great Terry Pratchett, the million to one shot comes off nine times out of ten. I like those odds. What happens next then? Oh crap. I'm going back into that combat training simulation aren't I. Spending the next six months getting my ass kicked by a sociopathic drill instructor."
Raven put a comforting arm around his shoulder.
"No Jake. That sim was pretty good but nowhere near as good as we need you to be. I'm going to be training you from this point on."
"Really? Are you sure? I've met this Jean-Pierre. He's a long streak of piss. I could have beaten him with a rolled up newspaper before I received any training."
Raven pinched his cheek. Giving it a tug.
"Oh you silly boy. You aren't going to be fighting Jean-Pierre."
Jake rubbed his cheek. She hadn't been particularly tender there.
"Who will I be fighting against then? Shit. It's Doxy isn't it? That's a different matter entirely. She got skills."
Raven walked to the end of the training room. Jake was sure they'd been facing a white sandy beach. The redhead was wearing a full set of body armor. Holding a blade she was weaving through the air with considerable skill.
"You're partly right there. Pick up your sword." As he reached for the twin of his own light cavalry saber sitting in the rack Raven sliced his arm off half way along the forearm. "Lesson one. Trust no one."
He flexed his now intact arm.
"That hurt."
"It was meant to. The safeties are off Jake. Next time your arm gets cut off it won't grow back until after the session finishes. Pick up your sword."
He circled round the rack. Raven tracking his every move.
"Hey is that an albatross?"
"No. It's a very transparent attempt to distract me. We're in a training room not at the beach. Besides there are no albatrosses in this simulation."
"Must have been a seagull then. You said I was partly right when I thought I'd be fighting Doxy. What's the full battle order then? Who will I be fighting?"
All the time he was talking he'd been dodging and feinting towards the weapons rack. Raven blocking him.
"The entire population of Port Bristol more or less. A lot of them won't be that well armed."
He stopped dead. Straightening.
"I can't do this. There's no way I'll be able to fight an entire town. I quit. Stop the simulation. I'm not this Wanderer guy. Send me back to Pip and Hermes. I'll have to tell Grundel this is off."
As soon as Raven lowered her sword and took a step toward him Jake dived for the sword, scooping it up and then rolling to his feet. He received an acknowledging nod from Raven then a big smile.
"Well done. You had me fooled. For a second or two but that's all it took. Now we need to sort a couple of other things out."
He backed away as Raven moved towards him.
"No you're only going to cut my arm off again. That fucking hurts."
"I promise I won't cut your arm off."
"You'll stab me then. Or cut off something else I'm quite fond of."
"Look. I'm putting my sword down. I will not use it. I've got something to show you. A new trick I learned a while back."
"Okay, but I'm going to back away until that sword is well out of your reach. Couple of feet more. Okay. You can come closer. What's this trick you learned?"
As it turned out he already knew it. Ravens knee made a very energetic attempt to turn his balls into ear rings.
"Right. That ought to slow you down a bit. Pick up your sword. The safeties are off."

I would like to nominate @theopinion and @steemsistershow for the next round. These are a bit outside the box but I'm pretty sure I've nominated a few people twice already. I don't make a note of them. I'm an idiot.