Online / Offline / Engagement
We are unbelievably connected to each other in so many ways now. There are so many mediums to communicate across, so many apps, platforms, chats and in a moment, we can be in touch with just about anyone, anywhere we may need.
So, why are people seemingly so lonely? Why do so many people feel out of touch and feel they suffer a lack of intimacy when we have access to just about anyone, and anything?
I had a discussion with a client about this and have brought it up in some of posts from different perspectives. I have never online dated, never even seen Tinder or one of the myriad apps and sites dedicated to get people together. I have never had the need, or at least, felt the need.
I have friends that have dated online, some who are happily married from doing so but, from the many happy stories, there are many more disasters. The stories where the charming, funny and engaging personality on the other side of the screen turns into a dull, grey and boring reality are high. As are the stories where a digital nice, becomes an analogue much-less-so.
How can there be such a disconnect between the two positions as after all, the online persona and the face to face are the same person. Some will look at the motivation, the lying to get what one wants but perhaps this is not the only reason, although granted, it is likely a large one. People will do whatever it takes to portray themselves in a favourable light when there is something in it for them. Often, by the time the reality is realised, it is the morning after, a week later, a month, a year.
How can the witty turn dull, what happens in between the distance from monitor to coffee shop to steal humour and charm and in its place leave an awkward shell of what was. I think that one reason is of course the expectation versus reality challenge where across WiFi it is easy to imagine a reality that is an illusion, to build a picture that is based on how one wants it to be, rather than what is.
I think there is another problem also though that has to do with the one that has changed appearance from pixel to person. The problem I see is that past the 'to be expected' lies and facade, beyond the imagination of the receiver, the messenger is flawed in their consistency, with a hole in their skills.
What I mean by this is that even though there is some overlap between the two, the communication toolkit required between the online and offline positions is decidedly different. What makes one attractive in one arena falls flat in another.
Online there is time and space to react which means a statement can be absorbed, evaluated and responses drafted after a pause between. This pause is important as it gives time to think and react and through a screen, the physiological and emotional responses can be hidden or, false ones displayed quite easily. The perfect answer, the perfect comeback, the perfect joke can be found when there is space between to think. A little keyboard control is all it takes to prevent premature enunciation.
There is also the endless pool of material available, the pictures, memes or perfect gifs to post in response that displays the cleverness of the mind behind the screen. Used well, this pool of resources can make people LOL at the perfect time. Timing is important in the online world where a response that comes too fast is suspect, too slow useless.
But, in the walking world, sitting at the cafe on a first date, there is no pool of resources, no emoticons where a smile and a fake smile are the same :) and only the face and tone of voice to indicate if one is being flirty or sarcastic.
There is no pause to craft the perfect answer, no way to hide frustration, anger, embarrassment or the myriad tells the face and body perform to reveal intention and shortcomings. The animated gif is not a funny response when there is a wait, a search and a smartphone screen turned towards the other side of the table. The clever, the wit, the magic is gone.
The spell of expectation is broken. It wasn't looking good from the start anyway as the gap between the good-looking profile picture and the reality of the face across the table, had already begun the slide down the slippery slope.
The skills overlap but are not identical. What is attractive online, is more difficult to replicate in the real-world where senses are biologically tuned to pick deception. In the walking world, one must actually have the precise timing and delivery to be funny, the stories must come across as real by having the body language work in harmony, and these are hard to fake.
To maintain the online narrative created, one must also be able to live it and this requires a depth of information, a non-reliance on technologies, a mind that has the capability to shift and adapt to a volatile environment, and a body that follows without the time to judge and react. For to be out of unison, is to lose connection and when that is lost, so to is any attraction.
Some are brilliant in the online arena, some are brilliant offline. The support of all of the ways to interact may be fantastic supports but there can come a time that they become a crutch that weakens the skill set to develop depth offline. The skills to develop real relationships.
This drop in skill is noticeable, the young, with all of their social media, are socially stunted. Swiping from relationship to relationship, unable to maintain interest, closing out of one tab to open another search. Their words are repeats, references to popular culture, quotes from shows, and the sale of themselves takes precedence over the interest in the other, except for the parts of them that are desired for consumption.
It has become two people talking at each other, rather than with each other and the curiosity to explore the mind and heart has fallen into the shadows to only include the body. The investment is not in depth, it is in numbers and the age of the players grows with each year, as the skills fall away and a nuanced game of push and pull becomes a dull negotiation of terms.
Engagement is seen as a marketing term, a sales pitch but it is the ability to raise interest and hold it, a compelling reason to continue the conversation, to stay for another coffee, meal, a slow walk in the park. It is holding the attention gently like a hand for the first time and being able to maintain it for a kiss as the day turns to night, and the night back to day.
It is the chance to fall in love.
Taraz
[ a Steem original ]
I feel like social media is not a cure to loneliness and is actually a cause of being depressed
Posted using Partiko iOS
It definitely is playing a massive role in increasing depression but not because of the reasons many people site. Lack of intimacy and relationship depth leads to disconnection and loneliness. People claim introvert but I think many are just depressed and lonely and looking for an excuse that doesn't men they are the ones who have to change.
Oh boy! I've read tons of your articles before and each one of them have always been so steeped in eloquence, coherence and reason that I have already lost count.
However this post today, in my opinion, should be framed with the best ornaments of loquacity and hung in the mere center of this courtroom as a prominent manifest and as a highly fluency treaty in which you've exercised forcefully your assertions with such iron-fisted testimonies that whoever pretend to resist to be unmistakable evicted from the comfort of their previous own convictions about these matters, they would just be pissing out of the pot. At all events!!
Excellent post mate. A story articulated with vigorous expressiveness and crystal clear witticism.
Resteemed!! :)
Much appreciated. I think it resonates more with those of the 'older generations' than the younger. ;)
Yeah! that's indeed a serious possibility. Simply, because 'older generations' already have developed the right viscosity between the insides of their ears to trap & retain some chunk of live useful experiences!! };)
I think you spoke about this sometime ago. the disparity between the online persona and one's personality. when it comes to our online self much is been projected, and this process requires a lot of filtering of the undesirable part of ourselves. Now, meeting face-to-face doesn't allow for such as you get to see both the good and bad, and sometimes the latter overshadows the other.
I think the reason why many people cannot connect is because of the unrealistic demands of social media. it has become more of a popularity contest where people struggle to be recognise, and in the end you find people with lots of followers and no friends--people they connect with beyond the superifical level.
And people wonder why depression is on the rise.
This is a problem, one that has been coming for awhile. They way it will be solved is through virtual reality. (ROFL) Things are and have been moving in that direction.
Talk about getting your ego stroked.
People can't hold a conversation now. In another 25 years it will be something to so, or hear :)
Yep. Virtual reality will be a step towrd creating new illusions so as not to face having to change behaviours.
I am still waiting for Judy, flying car and a floating house. Guess that's all out now. Soon there will be no reason to leave the house. No parks, zoos just sitting on the couch getting fat with large ass glasses on my face. Boy am I excited waiting for that.
Too much of anything makes it bitter, and that is what happening here as well. I believe one day, again the trend will return to good old days, where people will prefer to stay without any gadgets or online.
Perhaps it will or perhaps the gadgets will be designed to support relationships rather than sales.
Loneliness occurs when all interactions are digital. No personal interaction enables a loveless soul to exist.
We are increasingly heading down this path yet people will argue that we are in a better position in terms of relationship. We may have the means, we are lacking the depth and that includes character. Perhaps with all of the online interaction, people no longer know who they may be, which one is real.
Incredible prose, Taraz. Some of your best work.
Thanks mate. It could also be because you see the same as I do and value strong relationships over the numbers games so many play.
you are right @mattclarke
The youth of today are losing the art of communication. A simple text littered with spelling mistakes that a code breaker would have problems with. Maybe it is a confidence thing but always prefer face to face.
Face to face confidence comes from face to face practice.
The problem with online is that it shows a million pictures of people holding hands, but doesn't offer the user a human hand to hold. So spending time on Facebook leaves you feeling more lonely than before. :(
It is an escape to a world of illusion that provides the viewer with a feeling they are missing out on a reality that may not exist, rather than find out for themselves.
It's completely obvious that if the goal is a carnal relationship, then the connection has to be made face-to-face. But a meeting of minds is complete doable online.
Some of the reasons why people may be lonelier than before are smaller families, fewer people having families in the first place and longer life expectancy. There are a lot of old people living alone because their spouse died years ago.
Some people prefer it this way. For introverts, the times are good because having a social life mainly on the Internet allows for more fine-grained control of distance between oneself and others. However introverted you are, having a pool of Internet friends makes it possible to get your face time fix when you want it while allowing you time to recharge.
What strikes me as interesting in the lifestyles of many 10-20 years my junior is the increased individuality and better quality of information and influences they have access to compared to what was available in my youth. They're better able to tailor their lifestyles to their actual preferences as opposed to peer pressure. For extroverts such as you and I, there still are ample opportunities for IRL social interaction especially if you live in a decent-sized city. People often decry the lack of social skills enabled by excessive Internet use. But it should also be remembered how much better like-minded people are able to connect using technology than ever before.
When my daughter was in first and second grade, we lived in another district. In her class in the local school, there was a lot of bullying - even physical violence - that the teachers were not quite capable of doing anything about. She changed schools in third grade because her foreign language choice wasn't available in her local school. About six months later, we bought a house and moved to another area far away from where we lived. Her new school is much better but not ideal. She's had a couple of friends to hang out with during the 15-minute recesses there. But a lot of the girls in her class are similarly big on gossiping and exclusion and all that shit.
Her intellectual curiosity is through the roof and her mother and I haven't wanted to suppress it by not allowing her Internet access or restricting it too severely. I just don't see all that much value in seriously trying to become an accepted member of the popular girls' group and participating in their games. That's just some cavewoman legacy bullshit. As an adult, I'd much rather see her work independent than be mired in office politics in some typical female-dominated workplace. My daughter usually hangs out with some of the boys playing group games or a select couple of girls depending on whether they're available.
Minus the peer pressure, I see this as echo chambering and from a young age they are able to stay living in a world of immaturity as they suffer confirmation bias through tailored feeds. They can get everything they want and do and perhaps this is why I find a high rate of emotional and social immaturity in those who live so much of their life online as they can avoid anything they don't like.
Like minds yes but, what is liked? This is also the driver of extremism.
When it comes to bullying I find that people are much less capable to negotiate since the introduction of the concepts of safe zones and protected environments. Sure, physical violence should be curbed heavily but the world isn't going to be agreeable to those who are unable to endure some forms of adversity, criticism and assholes as, there will never be a future devoid of such. It is also likely that in many respects, the bullying is getting worse due to the types of digital communities that form as well as the way young people use social media and apps.
There are positives and negatives to all aspects of life but engineering them to avoid dealing with negatives rarely leads to well rounded personalities in my experience.
My perspective on safe zones and protected environments is that they are quite far and few in between in this country. Safe zones are a curiosity confined to American college campuses at least from a Finnish perspective. I've talked to a few Finnish people on Facebook who talked about needing safe spaces. All were transsexuals. I know one of them personally. I don't personally feel like telling them to suck it up because I know how badly some people treat transsexuals and how most people merely tolerate them. All of them have probably had to deal with more shit than I ever have.
There will always be adversity, conflicts and assholes. The world will never run out of those. But I don't think bullying in general is getting worse. Social media has introduced new forms of bullying but the thing with bullying on social media is that it always leaves a trace of evidence behind and it will be easy for the perps to be brought to justice if it's severe enough to be a crime.
I don't believe in "what does not kill you, will make you stronger". In most cases, injustice and violence, be it mental or physical, only leaves dysfunction behind. Yes, it's possible to fully recover and learn valuable lessons but how common is that?
Civilization is all about trying to engineer the negatives away. But that's a moot point anyway because one cannot help but deal with negatives.
I don't think they are even close to needed since there is very little adversity here as it is. What people claim as a hard life is much less so than not too long ago but it still impacts them as if they are mortally wounded. Life gets easier, the impression of pain stays the same.
I have a couple trans friends in the Helsinki region and they have had a relatively easy go of it considering those I knew who grew up in the 80s in Australia. When it comes to the tolerate, that is the same for anyone who is not part of whatever group the judge belongs. In Finland, I am tolerated.
And for the victim, it is a lifetime of potential searchable and shareable shame .
I agree but, it is also because rather than build tools to cope and heal, we tell people that they are victims. No matter who did the harm, it is up to the individual to take care of the aftermath.
It is a pity that it is the same negatives on repeat for most people.
I would like to add that the quality of conversation as well as the willingness to listen and be charitable with understanding views changes between online and face to face communication too. It is a completely different dynamic as one should expect.
That's a good point. When you have someone in front of you in the flesh, you are less likely to tell'em to fuck off if you disagree with them. :D
I was listening to a talk where two people who had a fiery and not overly useful debate on a podcast, met for another at a face to face panel and the changed dynamic of human form, meant that they could still disagree but, treated each other with much more humanity.
That's often the case if two people who've argued online meet in person. Yet, the vast majority of my encounters online have been free of any kind of animosity.