Punday Monday 71! Giving out SBI like it's candy! Comedy Open Mic Round 36!
Welcome to Punday Monday!
If you’re new here, pull up a stool, order a lempunade, and get to know some of the regulars! I’m your puntender, @improv.
You can jump in any time, and if you aren’t sure how to make a pun, here’s a handy dandy guide:
https://steemit.com/contest/@improv/puns-and-prizes-learn-to-pun-easy-fun-anybody-can-be-a-hit-at-parties
(Please note, to be eligible to win a prize, your pun must be your original work - coincidentally making the same joke as someone else is tolerated, but you should really read the other puns here before making your joke and see if someone else has already made it ;D. To be eligible for prizes, puns must be on-topic!)
If you’re an oldtimer, welcome back! Get to know some of the whippersnappers, here, we have a special mixed drink for you on the house:
(How do necromancers toast their dead relatives? By raising their spirits. Cheers!)
And since you’re an oldtimer, you might be interested in the results of our first annual best pun contest:
https://steemit.com/contest/@freewritehouse/punday-monday-year-one-day-awards-ceremony
If you’re an any-timer, old or whipper, make sure you visit @freewritehouse! There you can meet fellow lovers of goofiness and find even more contests every week! We’re also now featured in the @steembasicincome contest round-up! Find more opportunities to win SBI there!
Hang on to your punderwear...
There’s no business like show business, so let’s show you the business we’re dealing with today!
Here’s last week’s post, and all the puns that were eligible to win this week are in the comments!
https://steemit.com/contest/@improv/punday-monday-70-come-one-come-all-to-win-loads-of-sbi-also-halloween-comedy-open-mic-round-35
Rookie of the Week
@corpsvalues for showing his work! Hooray! Glad to have you!
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Pocket Choice awards
Every Friday, I put up a post to solicit audience favorites! They can vote on their favorites by sending POCKET to whomever they want to win. This week’s post is here:
https://steemit.com/ccc/@improv/pocket-friday-for-punday-monday-qvot1dvi
This week’s winner will win a #steembasicincome share, courtesy of @freedomshift and #ccc. He sponsors an SBI award for our #ccc qualified contest posts, and he asked me to post this:
This is an Invitation to join #ccc for Guaranteed Daily Income and Payout for Newbies (2.0) in #ccc and Follow the Honor Code - the Creed (Conditions and Limits Inside)
AND
the latest update <<< please click to read.
And 2 more SBI shares from the @improv account, thanks to our sponsorship by @curie!
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@doctorcrypto won because both @paul.atreides AND @coinsandchains chose him! You could be choosing these winners! Check out the feed every Friday to find out how! You can get some POCKET to vote with, easy peasy! @paul.atreides has accepted his task! If you want to vote on your favorite pun, but you don’t have any POCKET to do it with, he’ll send you some. Just ask in a memo or message!
The folks in the POCKET Choice winner's circle Season One were are @aloha-creations, @professorbromide, @tcpolymath, @miniature-tiger, @lilygolightly, @chrisroberts, @stinawog, @f3nix, @doctorcrypto, @heroic15397, @littlescribe, @diebitch, @acolucky, @ablaze, and @paul.atreides.
Season Two POCKET Choice Winner’s Circle:
@ablaze, @coinsandchains, @dollarsandsense, @doctorcrypto
and our grand prize…
The prize for best pun
Best pun of the entire week
Best Overall Pun
DRUMROLL, PLEASE
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For the entire thread of quick puns! Though many other punsters sorely tempted me. Aw, heck, SBI for everyone who made a qualifying pun!
And what prizes do they win, you ask?
Why, as usual, all the punsters got full strength upvotes on their submissions (and SBI this time!). (WORTH $0.002! So much value!)
Our category winners will each get to choose a post (of their own or someone else's) and I will give that post a fully powered upvote -let me know in a comment here- and a @tipu tip!
And they all get big, exciting SBI prizes!
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(@doctorcrypto, you’ll get your one more SBI for the POCKET Choice award from @freedomshift!)
This week's pun topic is...
Mortician!
As in,
When the asthmatic mortician got stuck under a pile of urns, how did he die ironically? Coughin’.
Bada-bing, You BEEN PUNNED! See, because “coughin’” sounds like “Coffin” which is another implement for holding dead people, but he was stuck under urns, not coffins… This may be a misuse of the word ironically, but do you really care that much?
Perfect,
I'm so good at puns....
If you've never punned before, it might seem like magic! You can do it, too! Learn how in My Free How-To Guide on Punning!
Who do I nominate for @comedyopenmic’s comedy challenge? This past week’s winners, @jk6276, @doctorcrypto, and @corpsvalues...
And, as long as I have your attention… well, this place is already saturated with people who have referral codes for various “free money” things, but here are mine!
Coinbase: Cryptocurrency investment- https://www.coinbase.com/join/5929c0788331aa072d9e347e
(Hot tip, I buy BTC on pro.coinbase.com, then send it to bittrex to trade for Steem and send steem to my wallet here. It’s the most efficient way with the fewest fees I’ve found. If you’ve found better, let me know. - I learned from someone else that buying LTC and sending it to bittrex then trading it for BTC then trading that for STEEM is the least-fees way. Can someone confirm?)
Robinhood: investment platform buying/selling stocks- http://share.robinhood.com/brendaw92
Earn.com: small tasks for small rewards (need a business or .edu email) - http://earn.com/improv/referral/?a=qmk07e7tzua677hk
Mannabase: sign up for universal basic income distribution funded by cryptocurrency- https://www.mannabase.com/?ref=3984bea863
Swift: Yet another attempt at a UBI: https://www.swiftdemand.com/?referred_by=lochleinn
And, if you’re interested in more traditional investing, Swell, which invests in stocks that have a positive social impact according to their standards, has a referral program whereby they’ll match your first $50 investment: https://www.swellinvesting.com/signup/d4b97d
Hi improv,
Thank you for your entry in to #comedyopenmic comedy contest. We have asked the judges below to review your entry and give it a funny rating. (They generally have no sense of humor, as the saying goes, those that can't do, start contests and judge).
This will determine your ultimate position when the results are tallied. (That being said, you are free to adopt any position you wish - we can recommend pantsless with beer in hand.)
Judges:
If you have any questions or queries please feel free to contact one of the judges or come say hi in discord: Click Here
Thank you to @matytan for the great banner
Is it problematic that I appear to have bribed at least one of these judges in this post, buy bying... er, bye-byeing... er.. by buying (there we go) them an SBI?
The only fair thing to do would be to now bribe the rest of them.
Happy to do so for each of them that submits a pun!
Wow I won. Wohoo. Hang on the consequences of this could be grave. If my follow up this week is bad, it could be the death of my new pun career. I'll try to dig deep.
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Congrats!!
Thank you, I was dieing to win this.
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Wake me up before you go.
Congrats! And don't worry. All you have to do is to build some pun momentum, show velocity in your jokes delivering, you dig?
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That was pretty good.
Thanks
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I've hung out and worked around several morticians and they are some of the funniest people you ever meet. (I think they sniff too much embalming fluid) I've got one who is loaded with them, every time I ask how things are going or how's business. "It's awesome, people are dying to get in." "It wouldn't be too bad if it wasn't so dead around here." "It could be better, the crematory broke again, I had two come out half-baked."
I had one conversation that was hilarious.
me-- "Hey how's it going"
Mort-- "Pretty dang good, I just put lipstick on a pig and got paid for it!"
me-- "Dude that is so wrong"
Mort laughing, "No not a fat woman, it was seriously a pig that they were having a funeral for."
me-- "No way, you aren't serious?"
Mort-- "Yep, I was thinking it's too bad they didn't want to cremate it, we could of had a hell of a bar-b-que."
About that time a rather large woman walks in who had been crying, and starts thanking him and saying that "she looks amazing."
He introduces me, I say "Yes we were just discussing that. She must have been special, I don't think I've ever seen anyone care for a pig that much."
Well Mort's get as big as saucers, and the look on the ladies face was even worse. Luckily he talks fast, as the ladies' mother was a rather large woman as well...
A letter to my one day mortician:
For Mel D. Hyde,
If this hearse, I'm telling your mummy
Amazing! Look at you go. You were hustling us!
It would be embarrassing to say how much work went into that :p
Yes, look at what @paul.atreides sent you and join the voting for favorites!!! Check out my Pocket Friday post.
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Never be ashamed of hard work! If that's not a corps value, it should be.
pocketsend:1001@corpsvalues, here are some tokens for your efforts, we use them on @improv's Friday post :-)
Successful Send of 1001
Sending Account: paul.atreides
Receiving Account: corpsvalues
New sending account balance: 2587256
New receiving account balance: 1000
Fee: 1
Steem trxid: dbea050cf2d3a94f54ec64abd9808de311586fbc
Thanks for using POCKET! I am running this confirmer code.
The Mortician walked into a bar. He said to the bartender, "I'm dying." The bartender grabs a phone, "Should I call 911?" He replied, "No, call the spell checkers. Didn't you see my hair? I'm putting hair dye in my hair. I'm trying to get dye out all the death out of my hair. After working all day around dead people, it can really kill you."
YES! I love a well-explained joke! :) lolol! YAY! And you're the first one out of the gate! Congrats!
You're killing me, haha.
My 5 years younger sister introduced me to sarcasm, puns, when I was like 22 years old, and I was still kind of new to some of it, cuz I'm more the Star Wars Nerd or Star Trek Geek, but I can kind of do it now after being an English Teacher in Vietnam, and everything.
That's awesome. I am also a big sci-fi/fantasy fan. Perhaps for May the Fourth we'll do a Star Wars themed one.
As a mortician, I often get companies and people asking for donations.
I always tell them I grave at the office.
No bones about it.. My "customers" are usually pretty fresh.
I wrote an M for mortician on my chapstick because some of the chemicals dry out my skin. That's my M balm.
Ha I crack myself up. I'm dying over here!
Coffins are so expensive that I have instructed my family to not spend a penny on them when my day comes. If the mortician makes any money off of my passing, he is going to have to URN it.
And then you'll make them shorry they ashed.
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Yes, they are so expensive, I agree. It's like these morticians want to RIP people off.
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Dead do anything for money, huh.
Ooooh. That took me longer than it should've.
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It took mu(time)mmy too! Haha (for real)
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Heeheeee.
I began going to a psychologist to deal with my fear of death. I tried. I really did. But with my busy schedule, it was too much to undertake.
HA. This one did not occur to me. Brilliant!
My friend Jim became a mortician, which is a bit odd, as when we were younger, he always avoided funerals. I guess he was never a MOURNING person. He actually majored in creative writing and was once working on a short story about an over crowded cemetery. He never did finish that story though, as there was NO PLOT..
Contrary to popular belief the ultra sound guy is not the coolest guy in the hospital. Nor is the hip replacement guy! Nope it's the mortician.. Ah yes, of corpse he is!