The Crypto Toilet Chartist
BEEEEP BEEEEEP buzzzzzzzzz!
An incoming price alert... You know it's important, you know you need to check the charts, but you're in the middle of a meeting, and there's not a hope in hell of taking a quick look, let alone take any action...
Standing up, everyone stares, they know you don't really need to excuse yourself, they know that you couldn't give one shit about their meeting, but you don't care, you've got work to do...
Brian tries to stop you on your way out, something about the Q3 pipeline.....
"Sounds great Brian, set up a meeting" as you storm past not waiting to hear what boring fucking Brian has to say....
Up the stairs you go, internet connectivity is at its best on the third floor, you know this from trial and error over the last few months, you’ve also become a lot fitter for it... Further benefits of the third floor is that it’s currently unoccupied, so the risk of being disturbed is minimal, perfect!
You’re in, you’ve made it, the door to the men’s toilets creaking shut behind you as you beeline for trap number four. Trap four (or cubicle for those not in the know) benefits the toilet chartist two fold...
- it’s closest to the window and as such offers optimal 4g connectivity
- for some reason, it has a more luxurious toilet seat that allows for extended periods of comfortable charting...
All set and ready to chart, you whip out your phone and start to log in.......
CRRRRRRREEEEEAAAAAAK....
FUCK! someone else has decided to visit your safe haven, how dare they, don’t they know this is your charting realm, where only you and your charts exist!?!
Undeterred, you ignore the intruder, switching focus back to your phone and the red and green image on the screen....
HOLY SHIT! You’ve caught a pump, big green candles are shooting up and out of view on your screen quicker than you can scroll! It’s what you’ve been waiting for all these months, hours and hours of screen time, more losing trades than you care to admit, but now, now you’ve hit the motherload and the X’s are starting to multiple...!!
“Dave?? Dave, is that you in there?”
FUCK, Fucking fuck flaps, how the fuck does Brian know you’re up here...?? more importantly, what in the fuck does he want, and what in fucks name can’t wait until you’ve finished your charting!?! But you don’t care about that right now, Brian can go flush his head down the toilet for all you care, you’ve got THE trade of the century in play right now and no one is going to ruin it....
“Dave... I know that’s you in there, I’ve come up to see if you’re ok, everyone is concerned with how much time you’ve been spending in the toilets the last few weeks... is everything ok?”
Fuck... busted... I’d become complacent the last couple of weeks, often spending over an hour at a time toilet charting ...I guess it was only a matter of time...
A quick glance at the charts, the rapid rise of green is cooling off, RSI is oversold, but I’ve still got time to make Brian go away...
“Brian” I call out......
“Yes Dave”
"AAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!"
I jump off the luxury toilet seat, throwing my phone up in the air.... Brian’s concern for my wellbeing had gone too far, as there he was, peering down at me over the top of the cubicle...!!!
In my shocked state I made a feeble attempt to grab my phone mid jump,but failed miserably due to having my trousers round my ankles..upon landing I stumbled and fell forward,cracking my head sharply on the cubicle door..I fell to the floor in a heap,head spinning,mind racing...
“MY PHONE!”
Even in my semi concussed state I couldn’t forget the trade, the green candles, the X’s.......
“Oh my goodness, Dave, are you OK Dave!?!?!”
“MY FUCKING PHONE BRIAN, MY PHONE, WHERE IS IT!?!
“I caught it Dave...but more importantly are you OK!?”
Unable to move,but unable to let the trade of a lifetime slip me buy, I try to compose myself...
“What is showing on my phone right now Brian, tell me, tell me NOW!?”
“Are you sure your OK Dave.....?”
“LOOK AT MY PHONE YOU BORING FUCKING CUNT AND TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE!!!!!!!”
“Well, errrrrr, there’s a lot of these sort of lines.....”
“YES, GO ON, WHAT COLOUR ARE THEY....?”
“Red, there’s lots of red Dave, the whole screen is just red..... ooops, I’ve just pressed a button, I’ve done something Dave.....”
“WHAT. HAVE. YOU. DONE. BRIAN? WHAT DID YOU PRESS”
“It says ‘Market Sell’ Dave...”
"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"
Originally posted as a thread on my twitter account earlier this week