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RE: Complaining, Disempowerment and Negative Feedback loops (Part 2)
Hi, Pineapple. This was really an interesting post. I didn't know that I had so many options. And I think I have overused
I could joke my way out of the negativity
and now there is this image of me a guy who is not serious. Even though I am serious, I can't help the sarcastic tone in my response.
And, now I know why most of the ladies in my life are always angry at me. I need to practice my apologies.
sigh
Practice them asap. Even if they are 6 years past due. Trust me I have never gotten an apology I didn't appreciate, even if it didn't change the relationship, it helped undo something in my mind- sort of like a ungaslighting . With the apology i now felt more sane realizing that we both saw the same reality... if that makes sense ;)
Thanks killbride, but sometimes I wonder if things were ever meant to be? I mean it's been almost a decade since that event and every now and then I want to apologize but don't you think it's a little too late for That.
Hell no!! Two very different examples that I hope will lay to rest forever your doubt about this subject. I got a letter once from someone who I was friends with for a long time, then lovers and then he disappeared. I reached out several times, even sending an email about six months later that basically said "It's weird, I feel like I hate you, but there is no reason, and its very mentally confusing.". Nothing. When I did hear from him it was short text "I'm a jerk and i deserve the worst". I said " No, just don't do that to anyone else, it was really hurtful". But I didn't feel like talking to him, i was dating someone and I just didn't have time to fall back into that confusion. Six months after that I get an email, that floored, broke my heart and also healed it. It started by saying that he knew this apology was probably moot, that I might never even think of it but that he still did and he felt very guilty about how he treated me. He went on to say some of the most beautiful things about me as a person: that his words were probably flimsy because he wasn't a poet like me (I rarely wrote back then, but I had written him and I something that I was secretly very proud of as a writer), he said he hoped I found someone that complimented me as person- embraced my intellect reciprocated my kindness- and that he felt that anyone who came into my life was lucky for they would be changed for the better. I knew we had a real connection when we were together, I knew we both respected and admired each other but, he had just disappeared, so I felt like I mustn't be that amazing or great to him if I was so easily forgotten. That letter was six years ago, and i still think of it when I am swimming in the chaos of trying to figure out my worth to people I love. I remember it because 1. It validated my ability to see our connection and time we spent for what it was, valuable and meaningful (ghosting is similar to gaslighting, the most damaging type of psychological abuse, as it makes you question if you are viewing the world correctly and sanely). 2. It validated that when I saw him as a kind and thoughtful person that I was seeing correctly. It also a common frustration and crazy-making thing to think you are a poor judge of character 3. It showed that he understood how deeply he had hurt me, and isn't the biggest kindness you can give to another to truly hear them and respond to what you hear? We didn't get back together, we live across the country that's why we decided to end it, but it has put a friend back into my world and helped me heal some confusion and bitterness. An apology is NEVER moot. It may not fix what you want or undo the past, but it is not moot.
Thanks Killbride, for letting me know the importance of an apology. To be honest, My thought process was very selfish and All I ever thought was whether the apology matters or not. But I never thought how she felt about what I happened. I should apologize not because I will make me feel better, But she deserves one no matter If she accepts it or not...
One more much more intense example, and I won't dig too deep into this one because it is very painful. Remember how last year the women (I have stronger words but not today) who finally admitted she lied about Emmett Till. That is a 65 year too late apology. One that seems moot not only in its uselessness in the eyes of justice by law or in the lives it effected. But do you feel that there is some healing in humanity by having the truth said out loud, plainly and uncontested? If you do believe or start to believe we are all one consciousness then all of it matters. It takes practice and courage to give an unsolicited apology, but , not to be too dramatic (though I think I went far over that line long ago haha) the more we all master it, we will master injuring each other less and it will effect the fabric of our being in very profound ways.
Sarcasm takes some calibrating, not everyone can see it from out point of view, but I think it’s an important tool, we shouldn’t feel it neccesary to bring our moods down with everyone else around us who is feeling down. It may not be you in the wrong, but it’s good to be careful who you say what to. I use sarcasm when I feel others trying to insist on negativity, not before that. It’s a preventative measure from being pulled into their bad moods. Sometimes them getting angry is for the best if they leave you alone and take their drama with them but being compassionate is important.
Apologize if you are really sorry!