What's it like backstage? (What's Better than Fame? part 3)
These articles can be read out of order
Read Part 1
Read Part 2
When I was a kid I imagined being on the stage. There was an appeal to having everyone cheer for you, sing along for your songs and line up to meet you, especially as a kind of underdog in high school. I was Doug Funny. I was the normal kid that my life centered around. I would daydream about being a hero, about getting the girl, about being recognized for some great feats. I think it was like that for many of us. I thought that being at the center of everyone's attention was something I wanted.
I befriended a girl who personally knew all the bands I loved. She would take me backstage and we'd hang out after the show with whatever big names we could. She was a groupie and I was her sidekick. Backstage I felt awkward but back in the crowd I felt like hot shit. Back stage we'd drink and talk about the scene with every other emo and ska band that came through our state. Some would share their crazy tour stories with us. Others would bring drugs which I always turned down. We met record execs who told us just how fucked up their corporations inner workings really were. The big bands and small bands and record execs all had one thing in common. Aside from being in a position of power, they didn't seem particularly different from everyone in the crowd.
They weren't any different from the rest of us, but people made a much bigger deal of them. Most of the seasoned vets of the scene were entirely unimpressed with their fans. They tried to be polite but there was little effort to build a connection, and you could hardly blame them. Most of the fans had nothing to say, they just wanted to be close to someone they had dreamed about. So the bands would sign autographs and make flirtatious remarks with the girls and took pictures and that was it. Some fans were treated like VIP and sat sown with us but they were always either really attractive, dating someone, or had connections.
It quickly became clear that almost everyone behind stage was tired and jaded, looking to escape society (and failing at that), not really thinking about changing it, that they were working, and not working like working on their passion projects. Their lives were typically egocentric. Their music and the touring, it was all work to them. Sure many of them enjoyed parts of it, and they were free to take drugs and fuck who they wanted to fuck, or to just stay on their own and read a book until the next show, but I could easily imagine how a different city every night for years on end could turn you numb and I had living proof all around me.
These musicians who were "heroes" to so many in the scene seemed less like people living their dreams and more like circus animals on a leash. Many were still struggling financially and the ones who weren't had to cater to their record labels demands. It was clear that there was some kind of passion for music that started them off on their paths, but it seemed dead in some of them, restrained and restricted in most.
A few exhibited a desire to connect, but it was always awkward and unnatural. They were the center of attention 100% of the time, even when we were eating dinner, even when they were spacing out or picking their nose or on the phone with their significant others. I also watched them, but mostly to study them and understand whether or not this was something I really wanted and in most cases I concluded that it was not.
This left me with a conundrum. If this wasn't what I wanted what was it that I did want？ I knew that music and happy people were closer to what I wanted than the 9-5 rat race but there was too much that just felt contrived, controlled, and unnatural. In some ways it felt just like the power structure of school and the regular path to work that I was trying to find an alternative to.
I still bragged to my friends about all the cool bands I had met.
Part 4
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Confessions of the Damaged - a collection of short stories
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by @skyleap
Yes, what do we want?
We wanted a girl to notice us!
Just notice, damn it!
And so we think of being the hero. Rescuing them. Just like in all the Dizney movies. Then we would hit it off, and ride off into the sunset.
Too bad that is all a dream, or a nightmare, or just plain mental programming to make you miserable the rest of your life.
Because real relationships aren't like that.
Sure the initial kick can be, but then you find out their smelly and gross and people.
So, what do we do?
Now that we know fame is just another hard working, demanding job?
I want to smash up the stage! That’s what I am doing. Sometimes it reauires me to stand up there though. I step up and the spotlight goes on and then I take out a hammer! X-D
It is always disappointing when that shine one sees from afar is relieved to stale sweat and cheap body glitter.
"These musicians who were "heroes" to so many in the scene seemed less like people living their dreams and more like circus animals on a leash." That is what always made the idea of fame seem unappealing to me.
Answering that "what do I want" question is the trick though. I don't even know if it is something we can answer for ourselves in any lasting way because, for me at least, it seems to shift over time.
Life is our greatest art, we are free to change our style and goals over time. I have felt fairly consistent in my desires although there are certain lack beliefs I have been working through, beliefs that say exhibit A and exhibit B are mutually exclusive when they are not. Play around and keep zeroing in on your deepest desires, right?
Truth.
I touched on this issue (kind of) in my last post. Basicly, I look at it as better to ask why the things that make us happy do that to us than to ask what makes us happy.
Man, I just noticed a typo in my comment. Damn you auto correct!
Reality can be worse than a knockout punch.
It’s fun though, there is no art as beautiful as the ridiculousness of life.
Wow, this is really something to think about.
I’ll try to continue on with part 4 and 5 which will be exceptions to the rule. But even those exceptions are the same as we are.
Awesome series!
I love how you seem to always end up in certain places to look at things from different perspectives. Almost af if you were a scientist, journalist or filmmaker. You love to analyze human behavior social situations and thanks to your storytelling skills, many of us can relate to - and learn from - your observations
Keep them coming! :>)
Growing up an outsider helped me to become more observant. I think you and a lot of friends I’m making here are not so different in that.
Same here, although I was always in between being and outsider and really being an outsider. I used to hang out with the real outsiders, the kids who had no friends. I was the friend of all these kids. So I actually had a bunch of friends. I always picked the underdog and still do ;>)
But I definitely was - and still am - an observer too, when I wasn't escaping in the world of books.
It doesn't hurt to be an observer :>)
Look like they did a hard job
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