Getting Nowhere FaststeemCreated with Sketch.

in #depression5 years ago

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I wanted to write something nerdy tonight but my heart just isn’t in it. To be honest, my heart isn’t much into anything at the present time. I’m feel as though I’m at a complete standstill. I have been here before and clawed my way out but this time, the weight feels a bit heavier than prior times I’ve been in the dumps.

I haven’t written about this at all yet as it’s a very complicated situation, but I have been unhappy with my business for quite some time. I’m super proud of what we’ve accomplished but I feel unchallenged and unappreciated. It’s not one thing but a whole slew of issues plaguing me.

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The growing trend of online shops like Amazon have definitely put a hurting on small guys like us. The fact that so many other retailers have created collectibles sections in their store just makes our store that “less special”. We used to be the only place to get Funko Pops but now you can get them everywhere. Wanted a cool Batman figure or statue? Now you can go to Gamestop or Think Geek in the mall instead of your local comic shop. We’ve seen countless customers sell us out and snag that item that they used to get from us, elsewhere. That all hurts and this has been by far, our worst year since our first.

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Sure, with less business it’s less money which is super stressful. That is a ton of the weight I’m carrying currently as I feel as though I can never be comfortable or god forbid, ahead. Yet that’s not even the main gripe. I think I’m just losing my passion for it. It’s not what I want to be doing with my life long term and as I am getting close to pushing 40, I see time as one of the villains I’m battling aggressively. There is only so much time I get to have on this planet and I’m wasting so much time doing things that no longer bring me joy.

I also have a business partner in which butting heads is a common occurrence. He was one of my best friends growing up but I often wonder how close we would be if we didn’t have the shop connecting us. I’ve known him for over 30 years now and we both always shared our love for this world together. Yet we often are not on the same page when it comes to the business. I’m not saying I’m right and he’s wrong. I’m saying it’s hard to find common ground sometimes. I find myself conceding more often than not, just to avoid the argument.

It’s a bunch of feelings and emotions and I just feel like I’m letting my life get away from me. I’m not in control currently and I’m just going through the motions. I feel like a zombie and I’m just waiting for someone to put a knife in my brain Walking Dead style, to end the repetitive cycle of madness.

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I definitely need to do some strong soul searching regarding the business in the coming months. I have to get to a point where I’m happy with what I’m doing or I’ll be driven mad.

Sadly the business isn’t the only thing that has me in the doldrums. Anyone here who knows me is aware of my love and affinity for my pups. My pack of 4 and I were the thing of legend. I truly feel as though they helped me to be a better person and I look to them for guidance.

I have since lost 2 members in my boys Bandit and Kitano. I can’t believe it but in February, it’ll be 4 years since Bandit left my side. Some days it feels like it’s been eternity since I could look into his beautiful, deep, and perfect eyes. Other days, a memory pops into my head and I can still feel his thick fur and his misshapen egghead as I run my fingers through his coat. A huge piece of me died with him that cold morning in February right before my 35th birthday. It’s something I’ve never been able to get back...no matter how hard I try.

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Kitano or Tano as we called him, passed the first week of September. His departure is much more recent and raw as it’s just been 2 months. Tano really stepped up to the plate in recent years to help fill a bit of the void left by a Bandit. He followed me...everywhere. He was my shadow and he let me bask daily, in the warmth of his love. The loss of that again is something I’m not really sure how to deal with. Without the boys here, my heart wanders aimlessly...searching for a place to belong. It’s shattered and fragmented and completely incapable of being pieced back together without seeing the cracks.

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I still have my 2 girls which I’m so grateful for, but the reality of the situation is that Bindi is now 15. She just turned it last week. She’s doing great but I’m under no illusions that time is not our friend when it comes to her. I’m at the point where I’m practically making myself sick over thinking of the day when it’s just me and Maya left from the original crew.

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I just don’t deal well with loss. Especially the loss of perfect creatures that I have spent every day with for a large and important portion of my life. To me it’s so final. I just don’t know how to deal with that properly and I’m not sure I’ll ever figure that out. I think I just have to carry that pain and learn how to cope. I’m know I’m not the first person to feel grief and pain from the loss of a loved one. We all have to go through it. Even you, reading this right now. It’s just how it goes.

Time and aging is tough. It’s been brutal for my mom in recent years. She suffers from a form of Parkinson’s and Dementia. It’s been a slow and steady decline that came right after her bout with Cancer, and my father has been taking care of her through it all. It’s a noble thing but I can see how much it’s worn him down as well. I feel terrible for my mom but I also feel like I’ve already lost her. What’s still here is just a shell of her former self.

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Gone are the times of her asking about my day. No more does she laugh at my inappropriate jokes. I miss that laugh. There’s a small part of her in there but it rarely comes out to play these days. My dad is the strongest and best man I know. Yet even he can’t hide from me the fact that he’s sad and tired. I can see it. We all can.

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Watching your partner deteriorate before your eyes has to be absolutely soul crushing and I’m sorry he has to play that out. I love my parents so much and am grateful for everything they’ve taught me. They were and are, shining examples of what a role model should be. They are without a doubt, 2 of my heroes that I look up to and aspire to be like.

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I do have a bunch of wonderful things in my life that I am eternally grateful for and when I feel the inspiration, I’d love to do a post on those things. Basically it’ll be the complete opposite of this post.

These few things are just what I can muster up to discuss at the moment. I also know I’m just rambling at this point and for that, I apologize. I’ll be fine so no need to get worried. Sometimes just writing about things helps me cope. I just need to hunker down and figure out how to manage the dark aspects of life. I can’t avoid them and pretend they don’t exist. I have to deal with these things and situations head on. I’ll get it. Might take some wallowing in my own self pity for a bit but I’ll dig out soon enough. I just hope I have the strength to make the necessary changes that so obviously need to be made.

Thanks for listening folks.

A Very Tired & Temporarily Lost,

Blewitt

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Its tough @blewitt I know what you mean about the job to be honest the only thing that inspires me when in comes to work is actually the success and talent on Steemit. When it comes to age I actually am not in favour of birthdays as with this comes deterioration of not only myself but friends, family and pets. Just last night walking home I was thinking how much I missed my grandmother and how one time me and my dad had a really good Christmas, if only things would of stayed that way.

Yeah, aging totally stinks. Everything that comes with it for the most part...is sad and painful. Sorry brother.

Yeah I don’t really care to celebrate birthdays anymore either.

All the hugs for you, friend. Feel the feels, process them, embrace them, and then when you're ready, go kick some ass. But for now, it's ok to not be ok. Much Love..

Thank you my dear. I’ll be fine. Just a lot on my plate and I was feeling a bit sorry for myself lately. I’m sure most of you are in similar situations...wading through life trying to figure it all out one day at a time. Thx for the kind words. You are (kinda) cool. ❤️

It's all good Blewitt :) I want to know though, does this mean we're being nice to each other now? I don't know how I feel about that :P

sigh...
How about this. We are nice into the new year. On Jan 1st we can go back to bring bags of shit to each other? Let’s have a nice holiday season together.

bro, sending you good vibes from Panama!

The way you feel about your business and business partner is totally normal, I have had the same feeling. Something that helps me is to read about the topics or even take a week or 2 weeks off. Also, do something with your friend you both enjoy, even if it is to go out for a beer, play pool or whatever but not to talk about the business. Maybe is time to sell? move on and start a new project?

The other day I was thinking about an idea, imagine super heroes stories around crypto, someone could write it for you, someone else could do the digital illustration, but the focus would be to create a comic crypto related stories for kids so kids can start learning about blockchain in a fun way. Is just an idea, maybe its a stupid idea...

I can tell your dad have an unconditional love for your mom and she would do the same for him. Good thing is they have you guys, spending more time with them than usual will surely give them strength and make them happy.

While reading you about your family, it reminds me of a song my dad made me to listen to when we were alone in his car one morning, he was dealing with a cancer that took him away from us.
The song is in Spanish, from famous singer Ruben Blades, from Panama. Amor y Control is the name, (Love and Control), its a beautiful song.

Whenever you have the time check the lyrics and use google translation. Basically says that in tough situations within family, loving and having control over situations and emotions are important things to pass through tough times.

Take care man!

I love foreign good vibes! Lol

It’s hard to do things with him. He doesn’t like going out and doing much. We do play a video game together a few nights a week. We have fun doing that for the most part. It might be time for me to think of what’s next After this for me though. Start planning it out now.

As for our family, we are pretty close for the most part. Very lucky in that regard. My dad likes hanging out with us when my sisters and I are all chillin and we love having him with us.

Haven’t listened yet but will tonight when I can really absorb it. I’ll let ya know my thoughts.

Much love brother.

That sounds like a totally fun idea. I just have no creative talent to pull that off. Lol

@blewitt, man, I don't know what to say.

I'm not going to say "I know what it feels like," because while I've lost my share of beloved companion animals over the years, my grief isn't like your grief.

I'm not going to say "Get over it!" because such advice is as useful as telling someone with a broken arm to "heal faster". It's not a state of mind, it's not something you can will into yourself, it's only the passage of time that can, and does, eventually make layers over the pain to blot them out for increasingly longer and longer periods. I still talk to mine, even though they're not here. I still cry over them when I look through a photo album or come across a memory on FB. It's the surest sign imaginable that you're human, to grieve the loss of a love.

I'm not going to make jokes. Though I love our guy banter, and your sense of humor, you don't sing songs to a hurting heart. Keep yourself as healthy as possible. It's totally cool to coast in neutral for a while as you work to find yourself.

I know we live nowhere near one another, but if there's anything I can offer, anything I can do, within my power, just ask.

Pearl Jam - Nothingman

I got nothing, man. Be true to yourself. Follow your mind, but listen to your heart. Message me if you need to talk. Hug your kids (two- and four-legged).

I wish you peace, recovery, and healing this holiday season.

Thx for reaching out brother. Much appreciated.

I still talk to my boys daily as well. It’s probably crazy but I feel a bit better doing that. I still cry when the moment catches me. I don’t think that’ll stop for quite some time...if ever. But we find a way through it somehow.

I’ll never be insulted at some jokes. Even during a tough time. So don’t ever feel like ya can’t say something tabboo or shitty no matter the topic. Lol

Thx for all the love my friend.

Hey @blewitt,

I hear you, life has that habit of hitting you hard sometimes...

As far as the business is concerned, you have to think long and hard about whether it's possible to scale up from where you are. We spoke a bit about it at Steemfest, however I don't know all of the avenues you've tried, and whether online is the right way for you to go. Or if it's even possible.

For instance how's your Instagram presence? What's your reach like in other countries? Especially places like Japan.

At the end of the day, you may have to sell up and walk away, however try and make this decision when you're in a much more positive state of mind. (Hit me up on Discord/Chat for a much more detailed bit of advice on this).

Your Mom's illness is hard, mine is 88 now and I'm dreading that fateful day. They gave birth to us, fed and nurtured us and have been there our whole lives.

I just thought to myself instead of letting those thoughts consume me, enjoy the time I do have left with her. Though I can't imagine the pain at watching her deteriorate like that. Just carrying on being there for her and your dad, they still love you, as you do them.

They were and are some beautiful dogs! It is such a cruel twist that these beautiful animals that bond with us live for just a fraction of our lives. However that is why they are so beautiful and precious, I've only had my Rocky for around nine months and the thought of him leaving me is hard.

All in all you have to keep going, for yourself and your family, set times aside where you can think (rationally) about your situation and what you can do about it.

If you don't already, start meditating, just five minutes a day can help (increase by a minute a day) and keep/start exercising.

I hope these words have helped you somewhat, and like I say hit me up on Discord to chat more about the biz. I'm not in the best place myself at the mo, however giving you this advice has perked me up as well... so maybe go out and try to find someone to help, in doing so you'll lift yourself.

Take care my friend ❤💪😘👍😊

Cg

Hey brother. Thx for the well thought out comment.

Regarding the business...we are getting by. Not in danger of closing. Just not setting the world on fire currently. I want to start working smarter. I feel as though we could have been doing a lot of different things that would have benefitted us. Things that we have not taken advantage of. Online is a tough situation. We definitely should be doing a ton more of it and most likely will as we just have too much product. The downside to it is collectors are fickle people. There are also a ton of scumbags who know how to game the system making it dangerous and risky to sell expensive pieces online.

We sell all over the globe but that mainly only happens when we do an exclusive. People from all over want those so we get s nice flux of international orders when we do the exclusives. We can definitely talk. I’ll find ya on discord.

88! Nice. She’s doing well I hope. You 2 live near each other? I’ve kinda accepted it regarding her illness. It’s awful to see as she’s not even 70 yet and has been this way for a few years now. Not fair at all but that’s the way it goes sometimes. While I naturally feel awful for my mom, she’s half unaware of the situation. I feel slightly worse for my pops who’s sitting in the passenger seat in a car that’s spinning out of control. That’s gotta weigh on him. No way it doesn’t.

I’m glad you have Rocky by your side. Life is better when you share your life with them. It’s definitely been an adjustment without the boys and scares me thinking of the girls being gone as well. Makes me feel all alone even though I’m not. Hard to explain...

Meditating is something that I could try. I want to try yoga as well as I need to because I’m dumpy and out of shape. Lol. My back is crap and yoga is supposed to help. I’ve been saying I would start but haven’t yet. I need to get on that. Maybe this week while the wife is away I can try and not embarrass myself in front of anyone. Lol

Yeah you aren’t the first to say that they aren’t the position that they want to be in. Seems to be the common theme. I think that’s just life. Very few of us are going to have the paths cleared for us. Most of us are going to have to trek through some rough roads to get to someplace comfortable. I weirdly take comfort in that...knowing I’m not alone in that regard.

Thx brother. Let’s chat it up on discord and get on track.

Much love brother. ❤️

Oh man, I am beyond words ❤️ I know you can get through this, that you are strong and can get through anything, really, no matter how difficult.
I hope writing this helped talk through some of it. Get out of your head a bit and all that...
All the love ❤️ hugs and take care!

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Thx love. Yeah I’ll be fine. I think it helps to flesh it out sometimes. I can go back and reread it later with a clearer head and realize that I’ve made strides, or see areas that I still need to work on.

You are too sweet. ♥️

My prayers are, as always, with you. We've shared some stories over the last decade, and we have certainly seen each other go through our respective hells and trials. I know you're tired - just remember the goodness that is around you. It is not dwindling, it is just shifting. There are still those of us who are loyal to your shop. 95% or more of my graphic novels are from your shop, all of my comic books, and every single Marvel and DC collectible and statue that I ever owned was purchased through you guys. I sing your praises out here in Philly, all the time. You guys have never failed me, and there is no better place to shop in the entire darn region.

As for your mother... my heart breaks for you guys regarding her. It doesn't get easier, but we become better able to carry the weight as time passes, because it makes us stronger (even when we feel weak as EFF). And massive props to your dad, your real dad, the one who raised you and cares for his wife/your mom right now. He's a model and you clearly learned from him - look at your own home for that. Brother, I freakin' love ya, and there is a strength about you that I admire and respect. You're going through hell - keep going, because no one wants to stop and stay in hell. I got you, bro.

Thanks James. You are one of the good ones that I truly appreciate. I’m just uncertain about a lot . Keep that between us though. Lol

I’ll be fine. We all have our burdens that we carry. We get through it. I’ll be good.

Yeah my dad is a hero. I feel for him but he’s strong and is supprrounded by so much love in his kids and grandkids. He’s doing a nimble thing with my mom and I’m proud to have him as my dad.

Love ya brother.

Hey man - a big hug. There are no magic answers for any of this, really, but the business side of it may be the thing to tackle first. As long as you make sure you aren't confusing the cause and effect - is the fire for the business gone and that is contributing to the doldrums, or is the depression causing the fire for the business to go. The working relationship with your long time friend doesn't sound great though and it isn't like the pressures facing physical retail stores are going to get any less. It seems like you could pretty easily stay in comics / collectibles but do it purely in the online / out of your home (or storage shed) space with way less overhead and headache.

much love - Carl

Probably a bit of both to be honest. I think my excitement for it has diminished quite considerably for a plethora of reasons. I also feel as though I’m in a rut which is making me look at every glass and seeing it half empty.

The relationship with him is challenging to say the least. I’m sure he would say the same.

I probably could. I gotta do some thinking. I can not leave right now anyway. We have other things we are in the middle of that would prevent that, even if I could...I can’t yet. Lol

Appreciate you taking the time to read and respond my friend.

Sorry to hear life is getting you down.
It happens to the best of us and yes!!... Soul search.

Is there another way to make this business work? Or do you even want to?
It's ok to change jobs. :)

Yeah I’m not unique in that regard. We all have our issue that plague us. Got some serious thinking to do.

There’s always a way. I just am not sure I want to be in it long term anymore. It’s changed and I think I’ve changed. I still love the world I’m involved in but the business aspect is taking its toll on me personally and has been for quite some time.

So sorry for your present circumstances @blewitt.

I opened a store in our little town several years ago, jumping in with a leap of faith. Sadly, I only let it run for just over a year due to lack of business. I preferred to close it than potentially be faced with financial losses. It was a hard blow. Life is too short to be unhappy with what is our "careers", so be kind to yourself and do what is right for you.

Your dogs are and were beautiful. Funny thing, today I just created a post regarding the loss of pets and mourning.

My Mum is 90 and I am her caregiver, fortunately she is still able to live on her own with me helping her out with cooking and freezing foods for her, taking her for groceries and helping with house cleaning. Life will not be the same without her when her day comes; I often tear up just thinking about that day. Treasure each day you have with her and your father, even if it does not feel like she is with you in the same way as she used to be. Love above all is the best medicine for our soul.

Wishing you the very best.

Thx for taking the time to read and respond @ thistle-rock. Truly appreciate it.

Wow. Happy to hear that your mom is doing well at 90. I hope to be so lucky as to have my kids give a damn when I older. Lol

You are right though. Just cherish the times together.

The loss of a pet is truly the hardest thing I’ve personally faced. I feel as though this pain will be with me forever. I’ll just figure out how to buy it and mask it.

Sorry to hear about the business. It’s so hard to get by these days with a small enterprise. You are correct though about life being too short to stay unhappy in what we do.

❤️

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