depression
I'm back to work, and I drive 126 miles a day (total). I'm doing electrical construction work on a new school. I enjoy working, it's the weekends that get depressing. Through the week, I get up real early 300am, since my time perception speeds up in the mornings and I need plenty of time before I leave for the long drive to get gas, make/eat breakfast, make my lunch, etc. My car's getting a lot of miles put on it. I think my shocks are shot. I think I need some rotors changed out but my bank account is still thinned out. On the weekends I do accomplish things but the rest of the time I am resting (sleeping/napping). Today is "father's day." Another American holiday to remind me that by comparative standards I have failed in my life....even as a step father (in my last relationship). I might be too hard on myself but it is mainly because this is what I perceive other people thinking, as though I have to deal with it as a real thing....and I don't have the energy to defend my life's obstacles/failures,etc....and if I have to, I'd rather not be around people at all. I'd rather just work, pay bills, and exist in the corner somewhere until I fall over putting on my boots in the morning or die in my sleep or whatever when my time comes to expire. I am currently depressed, finding comfort in sleep....and in the idea that maybe I will die in my sleep before I'm old and before my failures are more petrified/solidified and all I end up doing is having to explain to people who were lucky in their life's circumstances why my life isn't/hasn't been like theirs, which causes even more isolation. I know I will feel better in the morning, having somewhere to go (work)....feeling needed in some way, but at the moment, I really hate holidays and I just want to sleep. No amount of words or encouragement can help when I feel like this. I just have to sleep, or eat high calorie foods, or do something to get my mind off of it. So, I'm going to hit post....and try to wind down to sleep. I used to think "love is enough" to keep things together, and it might still be...but this evening I am just too tired and feel like hell.
I don't have any really great words of wisdom, dear brother. But I am always here anytime you need to talk, vent, cry, eat food.... right here I am. Big hugs 🤗... It is nice to see you posting again. Very very nice, actually. I know many people relate to the sad holidays.
You're not a failure. The bar was set too high intentionally to make us all feel that way. And it works so well. This society's values are in the wrong place anyway, set on all the wrong things. Love is enough, because it has to be. It's all that's truly real, non-material. Even though it's not even really real unless we make it that. And it's in you. It is you. It's why you're here. You're not here for money or your use to some company. I know that's how it is, and how it feels with routine, but it's very much not all at the same time. You're more, worth more, and life is more. And fuck what people think. There's a divide where those who understand will, and those who don't, they won't. Just let it be. In a world full of billions, for every person who doesn't accept or understand, there's surely another who will. Wait for those, be thankful for them, hold onto them, and forget all the rest. It's easier said than done, I know.