Hurt

I want to hurt myself. I can’t though. Doing so would hurt those whom deeply care about me and I can’t inflict that kind of pain on them. But I so desperately want to scream, tear flesh, cut away and rip myself apart. I want to cease feeling and feel everything at once. I want the rage in me to subside. I need release
from this mental entrapment. I’m aware that missed medication doesn’t help but it just masks the symptoms that never go away. To few pills and I’m lost to a torrential cyclonic emotional rollercoaster with no end. Too many pills and I will find an end that’s too permanent and to damaging to all.
I wish I was a dream and not a nightmare.