Goodbye, Anthony :(

I'm sure you heard the news. I was very saddenned and affected to hear this and I must admit it got to me. No matter what my issues with travelling are you know I love food and a big part of that is Anthony Bourdain.
He traveled like I wish I could be able to travel. To interact in a real way with people from everywhere, to discover the culture as well as yourself and to return a little anew, a little better, a little wiser.
He ate everything I dream of eating and understood it. We know that based on the way he writes about food - as I wish I could - with a mixture of love and headness. You can fall in love with eating chicken butts just by reading about him fighting with a Japanese CEO over the last butts in this restaurant. I mean, wow.
He lived a life I admired.Hell, I am not unique or special, most people did! But the way he constructed this life and moved it forward with his personality and stamina while being so aware of his luck and privilege to be there. It's humbling and necessary. We needed him.

I can not do him any justice as an eulogy of any kind and I don't even want to. You can read a few really good article here and here.
I think just that we should be thankful that his words will be with us forever and the shows and whathaveyou. In this way, he is immortal. But what a loss...

I re-read one of my favorite books of his this weekend in his honor and in a sort of a bid at denial. How could a man so alive, commit suicide I kept wondering?

With writers, we tend to look at what they said about death in their works. They usually did, everyone touches on death and mortality, espcially a man that's been living close to the edge for so long. Someone found this passage from "Nasty Bits" that seems to be on point:

And you know what surprised me? While airbone, as I flew out, and then plummeted down toward rocks and sea?
I didn't care.
I was not afraid.
I've known love.
I've seen many beautiful things.
And it was enough.

But still...still...this doesn't make it ok. Not being afraid of death doesn't equal the fact that you should die. In fact, it might mean that you can live more fully and get the most out of this life. So here's the misunderstanding and shock and the endless "why?!".
I heard so many theories:/ from murder to it was his girlfriend's fault. But I do not, I do not think all these are even close to accurate especially when the answer is so simple yet hard to accept: depression.
He spoke a lot about dealing with depression and after this death many have come to speak about depression and how you live with it, deal with it and fight with it forever.

The amazing life, the achievements, the money, the fame, the girlfriend, the daughter, the future..all seem to mean nothing, nothing at all when under the dark cloud of depression. Note that we do not talk about that "I feel depressed" feeling we all are very familiar with but the "depression" the disease. Everyone who has it understands but few of those who don't can't. It's really a malicious and vile disease.
Just as a person dying from cancer or any other disease doesn't chose when ( after fighting it with medication and whathaveyou) is the same with depression. Just because you bring your own demise doesn't change this fact. It's a hard pill to swallow for us who never stared down the abyss thinking we should end it all...

There is nothing to say.
We loved you, Tony.

PS: in a little bit of silver lining, more and more people became aware of how depression can affect everyone and how hard to spot is. Depressive people are good actors. A lot of people reached out lately to me to ask if I am ok. Dunno what this says about them or me but it's something new. So yeah: call a friend :)