Ditch the Wanchor! Escaping Emotional Abuse - The Moment Sense Hit Me (And the Candid Story Up to That Point)

My husband and I had been together for thirteen years. Turns out it was unlucky for some.

But I’m not having that superstition, as my daughter’s birthday is on the 13th and she was born in 2013 and she is awesome.

Back on track

How It All Startred

We met on a blind date and hit it off immediately and had moved in together within 2 months.

He was a writer, or so he said.

Untrue from the start.

Truth was that he was a man on welfare because of a back problem he was in pain every day and because of that he was unable to do a traditional job, but never mind there were plenty opportunities on the internet right?

Well nothing that could hold his attention or anything he could get enthusiastic about, it turned out, after 13 years of trying to find something we could both do together, as I wasn’t to do something by myself - oh no (well until Steemit came along).

But that was just one aspect. He was always very controlling, I soon lost touch with most of my friends, stopped going out as there would be plenty of check-up calls and 100 questions when I got home, that I got tired of answering.

He took it upon himself to tell my father about some abuse I suffered as a child from my brother and stepfather, to which my father’s response was “What do you expect me to do about it now?”

So a wedge was driven there too.

I worked as a receptionist and brought in extra money, that ended funding his drinking binges with his friends. It paid many bar tabs.

Shortly, after we got married I talked about leaving work and my dreams of working from home and one day he said: “no, you have to work, leaving is not an option”.

End of discussion.

When the Love Died

Shortly after, a work trip to Germany was planned and I was invited to learn more about how the marketing software worked.

I got plied with Jaegermeisters on the first night, as it turns out I’m quite amusing when pissed to the sales engineers anyway.

I woke up in the morning in bed with one of them and was totally mortified and scurried back to my own room and spent most of the morning being ill and later trying to avoid eye contact with everyone.

A day or so later I had the opportunity to try target shooting and the adrenaline from that must have impaired my senses, as the thought entered my head that if I was going to do something so wrong, I may as well remember it and so started a 6-month affair.

At this point, my husband and I seemed so distant and this other person actually answered his messages and asked me about how I was, (it's no excuse though).

Not like at home, when I’d come the door, I get bombarded about what a shit day it was and this person said and this person said that, he’d fallen out with xyz.

Tales from the drunks from the park basically and occasionally how he’d almost got arrested, or did on at least 3 occasions for fights, usually because someone didn’t believe he’d once been in the army.

I even went up in court once and told my side of a story in his defense, which although he knew what I was going to say, but because I got my left and right muddled up, I got told off for days on that particular one.

Anyway, after 6 months stress got way too high, self-esteem was way low and at that point, I confessed to what I had been doing. The affair was mainly conducted through text and phone calls, as he lived 200 miles away, but still no excuse.

It is my biggest regret.

The Second Regret Was Staying...

So there was obviously a lot of arguments and the odd slap that I deserved. But basically if I left, he would kill this person, so I stayed to face the music, as I knew I wouldn’t be able to live with that on my conscious.

He still rung him up every day for 6 months and gave him verbal abuse and even went to visit him (he lived over 200 miles away from where we lived, hence why we didn’t meet up much) and apparently roughed him up a bit.

I stayed. I left work. I didn’t leave his sight for about 18 months and took his anger without (much) complaint.

I did what he asked, even when it wasn’t something I was comfortable doing, like writing a letter to his girlfriend to let him know that he had cheated on her.

Finally, he agreed that it was forgiven and we could move on and then children came into the equation.

He didn’t move on. Something would always come up to remind him. It could be anything.

When the kids came on the scene I did finally get to go out and take them to places and kiddy groups, as long as I came straight back, or was contactable at all times. That part improved significantly.

But If I wanted to go somewhere by myself - oh no. I remember trying a Zumba class one night and for whatever reason, my friend couldn’t make it one evening, so there was no way of checking I was actually there. It was more trouble than its worth.

The arguments continued, but I would fight my corner now, which probably made them a lot worse. I'd done my penance, I wasn't going to be punished forever for it.

The police would be called frequently to our shouting matches, even in less than 2 weeks into a ‘new start’ when we moved house.

Eventually, social services got involved and said we were emotionally abusing our children. Although we didn’t completely agree with this ‘diagnosis’, we did everything they asked us to improve the situation.

My husband attempted suicide (or said he did) in the middle of this mess, and the ambulance was called. He started threatening the ambulance response lady, so me and the girls were removed from the house.

We came back to the flat being covered in blood, as somehow he had banged his head and it went everywhere. I made up the story that it was all red wine.

Another New Start

We split up for two months after this and lots of promises were made and we moved yet again to a new house, for a new start.

The main thing being he would stop drinking, which he did - for 6 months.

Every argument over anything would end up about what I did still.

I haven't even touched on the name calling or being physically restrained from being able to leave the house when we had an argument to cool off.

Even arguments over cooking and cleaning of which there were many.

Putting the tap on when I didn’t realize he was in the shower.

That there couldn’t possibly be anything wrong with the boiler, it was in my imagination.

I turned the tap too far on.

I wasn’t putting pasta in the jar the right way.

Tensions were always high. I started getting panic attacks every time we argued, as he just wouldn’t stop - he had to say the same thing over and over and over again.

Nothing was ever good enough.

But as my dad once told me - you choose this path, now live it. That’s what I did.

There wasn’t an alternative.

But I was so damn miserable.

And the atmosphere was always of the walking on eggshells variety, not knowing if one word would set him off.

And if I appeared happy, he would do something like tell me the latest news, as he knew I didn’t like to hear it.

I tried hard not to let his mood affect mine, but that was no easy task.

Children take up so much energy, I had no will to fight for myself.

It was finally by going to a mindfulness course in November 2016, (same time I joined Steemit, actually) that I was able to get into a mind frame where I could remove myself from my thoughts and observe them, rather than be part of them.

I could see for the first time, how toxic he really was and that things really weren't ever going to change no matter how hard I hoped they would.

The love was gone. It hadn't been there for a long time.

The time to go is when making a cup of coffee in the morning for your other half becomes a chore, rather than just doing something nice for them, it is time to move on.

It's in the little things like that you can't pretend anymore.

The Beginning of the End

It took me a month or so to gather up the courage to ask him to leave. Some of that is documented here on the blockchain somewhere.

So I did.

It physically made me sick.

Two or three days I held my ground, but he got to the kids and they begged me to let him stay.

So I agreed to try again (again) for a couple of months.

The following week my eldest daughter reported to school that he had thrown her on the sofa too hard.

(Now I have been on the receiving end of this too, as she told her teacher I hit her when I hadn’t, because she was angry at me for throwing her toys in the bin)

This was not the issue really. Never was. My daughter probably did exaggerate it, but if it felt scary to her, it felt scary to her.

It was how he talked to her when he found out she had done this.

She was just 5 then, and he called her every name under the sun for telling the teacher this and that she has wrecked our marriage, something that she has not forgotten.

He might have spoken to me like that, but not her.

That was the final straw, the moment of sense

The New Beginning

I went to stay with my Dad that night and the next day I came back and asked him to leave.

And the start of a new battle, which resulted in a restraining order against him for 5 years.

There are days that I still feel like asking him to come back, even a year on.

I wasn’t prepared for how hard being a single parent would be, still not particularly, but do ok for most part muddling through.

But even all the lonely feelings in the world are better than going back to constant stress.

His parents are forever trying to get me to agree more contact with him and to go and meet him for a coffee!

No thank you.

So in a year, I have come a long way in reclaiming me, finding freedom and liking who I am. Also, I can be friends with whoever I like…

<3 especially to @valorforfreedom for opening my mind even more and our daily discussions on righting the world.

And also my @ecotrain and @tribesteemup friends as you all teach me more about this world we are in and that it is not all as it first seems.

Still, a lot of learning to do, will never stop, but it's on my own terms now and I am enjoying every minute.

Well, maybe not every minute but more than I was anyway!

That's a little backstory.

I will be back with more soon about escaping emotional abuse.

With <3 @hopehuggs