You can call me Dr. @Marxrab now because this morning I successfully defended my dissertation and am graduating with my doctorate.

I left the world of writing for fun a good while ago because the dark cloud of my dissertation loomed in my mind and swore I wouldn't be able to return until I finished.

Well here I am!!!!

It took me eight years to finish writing my dissertation and I swear nothing I've ever done has been harder. I developed anxiety issues and panic attacks near the end. Every time I got an email from my advisor and had to do more corrections I'd have panic attacks and had to work through the anxiety before I could work.

I swear this past week has been like no other concerning anxiety. I send my completed dissertation to my advisor back in June and asked when she'd finally let me defend and she never would tell me. I had run out of time and the university wouldn't give me anymore extensions. She waited until the very last week of the semester to tell me I was defending in seven days.

Seven days is not a long time to prepare for a dissertation defense. I panicked. And I panicked some more. This past week I literally made myself sick I was so freaked out and afraid to fail my defense. I couldn't eat for days. I didn't sleep at all last night fearing my defense and failure after working for eight years.

My dissertation defense required me to do a 20 minute presentation in front of four committee members who then held a Q/A session. My main committee advisor is a women who has had it out for me and doesn't like me. She's given me hell for eight years and I really think she's tried to sabotage me along the way. I think she waited all summer on purpose to let me stew and told me to defend last minute to derail me. I won't go into details about our past together but over time I've grown terrified of her because she held my fate in her hands and had the ability to destroy me at any point.

But this morning I popped a pill of CBD oil for the anxiety, dressed up in a nice button-up shirt and jeans, and sat down to a Zoom dissertation defense since Covid has changed the rules. I sat in my bed with my camera looking only from the chest up so that I could be comfy and I did it. I gave my presentation and answered all of their questions and they said I passed. I finally earned the title of Dr. @marxrab.

Thank goodness that nightmare is over and I can move onto the next great challenge in life whatever that might be!