Today, six years ago

Today, six years ago, I got a present from heaven. A present that changed my life. A present who calls me "mom".

They said we need to push you out because it was 10 days over due. I didnt have any experience, so I accepted their advice. You reacted so strong with those medical interventions so they recommended to to the c-section. What can I do, my son? I didnt have any experience, so I let them cut my belly to take you out. When I saw you for the first time, all joy, sadness, anger and relief were combined together in my head. It was a happy moment because I finally can hold you in my arms but I felt I was screw up. What kind of mother cannot give a birth with her own power? I was angry to the situation, disappointed by my own luck. Could I be a good mother if I was not even capable to bring you out of my body without help from scissors and PDA?

You got sick many times when you wer under 2 years. I cried sometimes because I could not handle the pain to see you suffer. What can I do my son? I had no experiences and I love you too much. It was only you and me at that time. So every time you cough, I hold your tiny hand. Every time you cried, I hold you in my arms. I tried so hard to give you my best. Event though I know I did not always give you the best. Sometimes I got angry at you not because of you, but because i cannot handle work and you at the same time. Sometimes I did not give what you want not because it was bad for you but only because it was easier for me to do so. I know I am not the best mother. But trust me, in this world, you cannot find any one that can love you more than I do.

You grow up so fast. Now you are six and will go to school in few months. I know, it is just about time you will think that I am no longer the person you will ask for help if you need anything. One day, not long from now, you will in love with another woman that is not me. I know I will be jealous on her but I also know that as long as you are happy, I will be happy too.

Have a great days in school my son.

Love you always,
Mom.