Thoughtless Robber

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A GREASY DINER - AFTERNOON
Hopeful nurse DI LUKE DOOP is arguing with remarkable painter DCI STEVE JONES. LUKE tries to hug STEVE but he shakes him off.

LUKE:Please Steve, don't leave me.
STEVE:I'm sorry Luke, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
LUKE:I am such a person!
STEVE: frowns.
STEVE:I'm sorry, Luke. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
STEVE leaves.
LUKE" sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, brave actor DCI CHRISTIAN GLOOP barges in looking flustered.

LUKE:Goodness, Christian! Is everything okay?
CHRISTIAN: I'm afraid not.
LUKE: What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
CHRISTIAN: It's ... a robber ... I saw an evil robber eat a bunch of kittens!
LUKE: Defenseless kittens?
CHRISTIAN: Yes, defenseless kittens!
LUKE: Bloomin' heck, Christian! We've got to do something.
CHRISTIAN: I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
LUKE: You can start by telling me where this happened.
CHRISTIAN: I was...
CHRISTIAN: fans himself and begins to wheeze.
LUKE" Focus Christian, focus! Where did it happen?
CHRISTIAN: A Library! That's right - A Library!
LUKE: springs up and begins to run.

A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

LUKE: rushes along the street, followed by CHRISTIAN. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

A LIBRARY - SHORTLY AFTER
SUKI SUPERHALK a thoughtless robber terrorises two kittens.

LUKE, closely followed by CHRISTIAN, rushes towards SUKI, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

CHRISTIAN: What is is? What's the matter?
LUKE: That's not just any old robber, that's Suki Superhalk!
CHRISTIAN" Who's Suki Superhalk?
LUKE" Who's Suki Superhalk? Who's Suki Superhalk? Only the most thoughtless robber in the universe!
CHRISTIAN" Blinkin' knickers, Luke! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most thoughtless robber in the universe!
LUKE" You can say that again.
CHRISTIAN: Blinkin' knickers, Luke! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most thoughtless robber in the universe!
LUKE: I'm going to need nets, lots of nets.
Suki turns and sees Luke and Christian. She grins an evil grin.

SUKI: Luke Doop, we meet again.
CHRISTIAN: You've met?
LUKE" Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young LUKE is sitting in a park listening to some orchestral music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees SUKI. He takes off his headphones.

SUKI: Would you like some barley sugar?
LUKE's eyes light up, but then he studies SUKI more closely, and looks uneasy.

LUKE: I don't know, you look kind of thoughtless.
SUKI: Me? No. I'm not thoughtless. I'm the least thoughtless robber in the world.
LUKE: Wait, you're a robber?

LUKE: runs away, screaming.

*** A LIBRARY - PRESENT DAY***
SUKI: You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
CHRISTIAN (To LUKE) You ran away?
LUKE: (To CHRISTIAN) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
LUKE turns to SUKI.

LUKE: I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
LUKE: runs away.
He turns back and shouts.

LUKE: I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with nets.
SUKI: I'm not scared of you.
LUKE: You should be.

A SWEET SHOP - LATER THAT DAY
LUKE and CHRISTIAN walk around searching for something.

LUKE: I feel sure I left my nets somewhere around here.
CHRISTIAN: Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly nets.
LUKE: You know nothing Christian Gloop.
CHRISTIAN: We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, SUKI appears, holding a pair of nets.
SUKI: Looking for something?
CHRISTIAN: Crikey, Luke, she's got your nets.
LUKE: Tell me something I don't already know!
CHRISTIAN: The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
LUKE: I know that already!
CHRISTIAN: I pick my nose and eat it.
SUKI: (appalled) Dude!
While SUKI is looking at CHRISTIAN with disgust, LUKE lunges forward and grabs his deadly nets. He wields them, triumphantly.

LUKE: Prepare to die, you thoughtless cabbage!
SUKI: No please! All I did was eat a bunch of kittens!
STEVE enters, unseen by any of the others.

LUKE: I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those kittens were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Luke Doop defender of innocent kittens.
SUKI: Don't hurt me! Please!
LUKE: Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these nets on you right away!
SUKI: Because Luke, I am your mother.
LUKE looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

LUKE: No you're not!
SUKI: Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
SUKI tries to grab the nets but LUKE dodges out of the way.

LUKE: Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, SUKI slumps to the ground.
CHRISTIAN: Did she just faint?
LUKE: I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly nets.
LUKE crouches over SUKI's body.
CHRISTIAN: Be careful, Luke. It could be a trick.
LUKE: No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Suki Superhalk is dead!
LUKE: What?
LUKE:Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
CHRISTIAN claps his hands.

CHRISTIAN: So your nets did save the day, after all.
STEVE steps forward.
STEVE: Is it true? Did you kill the thoughtless robber?
LUKE: Steve how long have you been...?
STEVE puts his arm around LUKE.

STEVE: Long enough.
LUKE: Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Suki Superhalk.
STEVE: Then the kittens are safe?
LUKE: It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable kittens enter, looking relived.

STEVE: You are their hero.
The kittens bow to LUKE.

LUKE: There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Suki Superhalk will never eat kittens ever again, is enough for me.
STEVE: You are humble as well as brave!
One of the kittens passes LUKE a tinkling talisman

STEVE: I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
LUKE: I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
LUKE: Well, if you insist.
LUKE takes the talisman.
LUKE:Thank you.
The kittens bow their heads once more, and leave.
LUKE turns to STEVE.

LUKE: Does this mean you want me back?
STEVE: Oh, Luke, of course I want you back!
LUKE smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
LUKE:Well you can't have me.
STEVE: WHAT?
LUKE: You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a robber to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
STEVE: But...
LUKE: Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Christian.
CHRISTIAN grins.
STEVE: But...
CHRISTIAN: You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
STEVE: Luke?
LUKE:I'm sorry Steve, but I think you should skidaddle.
STEVE leaves.
CHRISTIAN turns to LUKE.

CHRISTIAN: Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
LUKE: Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly CHRISTIAN stops.
CHRISTIAN:When I said I pick my nose and eat it, you know I was just trying to distract the robber don't you?

THE END