THE DEAD.... (episode 1)

I do not know what is going on with me, i thought it was lack of education, but now i am a graduate and i still feel incomplete. I have gone through various processes of deliverance and counselling and i still find my self going through the same predicament. What then is the essence of living? ... They say committing suicide is a sin, but will God permit me this once and let me leave this life to be with him or rather just take my life on his own accord. If he really loves me, why do i keep going through the same issue.
I'm deep in my thoughts right now, the pain is firm and tough. Everyone now is after their personal gain, no one want to help you out unless he has his own gain. 'God' what kinda life is this? I remember crying out so loud in church gathering to see if anyone will try to find out what my problem was and give me a helping hand, but they all thought (including the clergyman) that i was under the influence of the holyspirit. Damn what else is there to fight for? They all practicing religion but to me, it feels like i am in a dungeon.
I know you reading this story may think i am crying out for money but 'No'. I have more than two hotels in each state of the country. If money could answer and solve my problem, i will give it all to fill the emptiness in my soul. I separated from my wife and son for my fear of neglecting them. I have been to three different countries just to find help. The doctor in america said it was genetical disorder when he did not conduct any diagnosis. How can gene affect my thinking and feeling? I asked in disgust. I traveled to china and all the doctor said in chinese i did not understand or find out the meaning till date. Went to india and the sight of people having a choreography on the street made me change my mind and got me on the next flight back to my country.
What then is my problem, is it that i am not being who i am supposed to be? Or are my ancestors cursed? But my father was a fulfilled and happy man. Is it that the witches in my village have decided to conduct a meeting based on my matter? No it can't be.
I remember being shot at three times, the bullet missed me, but why? Am i supposed to be petty and poor? Would that give me fufillment? I have seeked the face of God and i cant seem to find it, and it feels like the devil is just sitted on my shoulders legs crossed. Damn, as i sit under the tree with a bundle of six yards of thick rope by my side. I think i have made up my mind. Maybe God wants me to come home to him, or maybe my father wants me to come run errands for him in the after life. I'm thankful i have huge properties and assets, so my wife and son wont have problems surviving.
Tears drop down my eyes as i knot the rope on a branch of the mango tree and knot the other end around my neck, as i take a leap from the branch of the tree to be suspended in air, hanging and swinging. I hear a heavy crack and then i hear nothing anymore....i feel nothing anymore...there is a black out...

Stay glued to my wall for the next episode coming up later in the day.... @renald