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RE: Finish the Story Contest - The Last Will and Testament of Geralda Connors
Damn, that violin misdirection surely saved the day. Blessed be upon the violin player, regardless the psychic aspects surely were played with and in good usage. Other than a few grammatical errors which are probably accidental, gotta say I could see the scenes play themselves out. Oh Francine, yah bloody ghost; crazy yah didn't do the criminal in with a good ole spoop. Upvot'd and resteem'd.
Thank you, I am happy that you are in the audience.
Can you give me the grammatical mistakes? That would be very kind.
(These are all of them that I only care about):
Just a flavor: “I have their full attention. Including the ghost of the departed.” Change the first period to a comma and then lowercase the I in “including.”
Right after that: add a r in “ty” so it spells out “try.”
Something of a flavor and an actual fix: “A frightened sudden suppressed sobbing answers me. Unable to avoid those worried, yet beautiful eyes...” Change “sudden” to “yet” and add a comma after “beautiful.”
Pure flavor: “I look at Brigitta Connors. She counters with pointed lips, unfearful.” This could be changed to “As I turned to face Brigitta Conners, her face remained unamused despite her lips being pointed.”
Some actual fixes: “Then she touches her lips and fells silent, thoughtfully.” Change “touches” to “touched” and “fells” to “fell” and consider removing “thoughtfully” or placing it in the beginning of the sentence.
Flavor McFlavor: “Brigitta, who has stood there thunderstruck, follows confused - and, as it seems somewhat relieved - my command.” Change into this: “Brigitta, who stood thunderstrucken albeit relieved, obeyed.”
If math skills applied here: “She laughs a laugh that almost sounds joyfully warm, liberated.” Change that to “Her snickering, however, was warm and liberated.”
Big flavor: “In my depressing psychic career I had been blind. Blind to my gift. I feel as if someone has shaken me awake. After all, that's what humans were. ...” Changed into: “In my depressing psychic career, I had been blind... to my gift. This whole scene shook me in this grand reveal. Heh, that's what humans are...”
Finale: “Then, I clear my throat. With utmost dignity I finish the great theatre:” Change: “Clearing my throat and standing erect, I gave the theatre’s closer:”
Now go get ‘em, show ‘em the @erh.germany! The path is cleared for an easy victory!
Many thanks to you! That was helpful. I appreciate a lot that you took your time extra for me.
I changed some of the mistakes and decided for a third solution where I felt that would fit better. The rest I decided on leaving it the way it was and calling it artistic freedom:)
The first part from @gwilberiol was present tense, by the way ;-)
Sincerely,
Erika
Thus, why I use the word "flavor" - in reference that's it's purely for the æsthetics of the text, nothing serious as it shouldn't affect the meaning a whole lot. Almost because I don't want to say "opinion" and "flavor text" is fun to say a lot.
A lot about the sentence structure. What a detailed review.. go easy, some people may feel a bit overwhelmed 😉
XD