Open Relationships & Polyamory // How I Realized I was Polyamorous pt. 2

I was graced with a stunning confirmation of my desire for open relationship and the freedom it might bring in my first experiment with polyamory. Here's the story of how in a flash I knew I was poly, and ready to explore a relationship practice and philosophy that was totally new to me, thrilling and terrifying.

I had met some people in happy open relationships, and had asked them all kinds of questions, but had not yet tried it myself. Like imagining having a child, I knew that, think about it all I might, I would never know what it was like until I did it.

two dear poly friends, now one month from having their first child together

Having had my first major hint that I was poly, I decided to try an open relationship. As luck would have it, I started seeing someone I was really into, and asked her if she wanted to try polyamory. She did, and she was excited about the newness and opportunity for learning too.

Such a great person she was- super creative, an ecologist, a book person, a traveler. Someone who really cares about the world. A friend I could nerd out about anything with who I was also attracted to. We were both rather independent people, and gave each other space to try things out with other people. I ended up hooking up with some other people early on in our relationship.

That led to some early lessons about how to communicate around letting a lover know that I had seen someone else. A sensitive topic, and one that I stumbled through early on, having to overcome fears about being honest and not having a model to look to or the communications tools I've since developed. Thankfully, she was understanding, and despite the shortcomings in my style of communication, willing to be honest with me about her own feelings. And, thankfully, she still liked me.

She was unfazed that I had hooked up with someone else, and had the self esteem to not take my desire to do so as any indication of her own inadequacy. I felt incredibly lucky to be with someone who cared so much about learning together, and was willing to work through it with me, even though my communication skills were lacking. I felt like a world of possibility was opening up in front of me. And that was just the beginning.

A month later, and I'm at a music festival. Romping around solo, bouncing from stages and music, dancing with friends along the way, celebrating life. The next stage I came up to, I saw her. She was dancing with some other dude.

We had come to the festival separately, knowing each other was there, but also that it was a big enough place we might bump into each other or not. The uncertainty and chance of that approach was fun, and it gave us each space to enjoy our respective friend groups with little pressure, and freedom to have organic and independent experiences.

She and her dance partner were getting close. Now their hands were all over each other. And now, they started to make out. Umm...

I wasn't trying to spy on them or anything, this just happened to be the moment that I saw her. I had never seen a lover of mine expressing sexual desire and being physically intimate with another person. I had no idea how to feel, or how I was "supposed" to feel. But you know what? I realized I was smiling.

I was actually happy for her! She was having fun, having a great time with somebody new. She was happy! And the terms of relationship we had agreed to had allowed her to act on a desire that otherwise would have been considered a violation to our relationship. Before having a chance to intellectualize it, I felt deep in my heart that I was happy that she was happy, and that was more important than what, if anything, this might mean for me or for my relationship with her.

This bodily, emotional experience of being happy about someone else being happy is called compersion, and in many ways it is the highest expression of polyamory as a philosophy. To cherish your loved ones' happiness, and to encourage them to explore what makes them happy while striving to do what is needed in your own self to truly allow them the freedom to pursue opportunities that society has trained us to consider threats.

I felt incredibly lucky to experience compersion in my first attempt at an open relationship. Looking back, I see how the way that she initially reacted to me when I let her know I had been with someone else had laid the foundation for my reaction to accidentally witnessing her do so. This was one of those transformative experiences for me after which I felt I came out a completely different person and I have never looked back.

That was 7 years ago, and I'm still poly. I've been in a committed open relationship for 5 years that has been an incredibly generous and liberating source of personal growth. I'm sharing about my experiences and how I've gotten here primarily for you readers who may be curious.

Depending where you are, polyamorous community is not always easy to find or access. For me, seeing real life examples, and meeting people in happy open relationships was the single most impactful thing for me, and I didn't get that exposure until I was 22. In How I realized I was polyamorous pt. 1 I wrote about my first hint that I was poly, which led me to trying this first relationship.

I hope this has been an enjoyable read. Questions, reactions, feelings - all welcome if you'd like to share. Ideas for future topics related to polyamory and open relationships? Ask away! I'm all ready planning to talk about the topics I get asked about most often - communication, trust, jealousy, agreements, politics - but I would be happy to run with what's real for readers, if I can. You are, after all, why I am writing.

Peace and love,
Jared