Love letters... ¦ 6 behave like adults
... love letters to the one who will never read them...
I wish we could behave like adults.
Like, you know, being able to ask how was your day without being all catastrophic and rude, like when I asked you in the past.
Simply answering what a normal person would do, since you asked me to be normal.
So I wish we could just talk like adults.
Leaving aside those childish behaviors of blocking me of all your social media and, before that, threatening me to do it if I didn't satisfy your wishes and vain requests... or lets say they were pretty superficial if you don't ask me.
I have put up with all that for quite some time, your berating I mean. Trying to show a mature perspective to a ridiculous situation. Sorry, not ridiculous, totally, completely and utterly ridiculous.
You could have behaved like an adult and say, "listen since that time we talked I have met somebody else and that is why I need to distance myself again" ... or any other truth that would just show a reality that is intelligible and sensible.
Something basically mature. Or mature enough...
You are not a baby, and your circumstances do not dictate who you are or what you want to achieve. Those are things you can work on, therefore treating them as a solid infinite statement will not benefit you.
Every opportunity I thought you could look into was treated as an insult, even though any option was perfectly reasonable to what you seem to have expressed you would do. Options and opportunities, considerations, ideas...
Perhaps you forgot to remember that part of what I do for living is advising others. That is a big part of my work and what I love doing, and evidently if I ever gave you an opinion or tried providing you with ideas, it was to help you in your process. Perhaps none of my ideas could be good, but they might give you other ideas for you to explore in other things. But that was again immature behavior. Don't worry you are not the only one that has behaved so idiotically in similar situations. I just thought you were a tad more mature.
I have never felt so frustrated with anybody in my life, but I had to take in that nobody can help someone that does not want to help himself. So a long time ago I stopped trying to even suggest anything.
I could only think about talking about silly things and events, and other day to day stuff to try bringing a smile to your face within your state of poisonous negativity.... but not even that way I was able to comfort you or give something positive to your life. Tell me who would spend so much time thinking about you and trying to make you happy in every possible way?
But well,I assume my first supposition, that you got a partner and just wanted me to disappear. And I am happy for you, I would have been very happy for you if you had been man enough to tell me things normally... only because of the story we had... mainly. It would have been a touch of respect from you, like what a gentleman would have acted... not like a brute beast, a heartless misogynist psycopath .... well, just think about how you have behaved and that would define it so far, so don't be angry with me if you don't like what I just said, simply... just change it.
Your behavior is is deplorable, if you ask anybody with common sense that gets to know the whole story. And one question, have I ever insulted you? and saying you acted as so and so doesn't count, as I didn't say you were so, but that you behaved as such... so that doesn't count. As if I did say these things it would be because you behaved in such a way... I mean, really. Did I ever lack your respect? did I ever behave abusively? Did I ever not say anything other than "let's meet up for a tea and take if from there" to start with? Did I ever write to you things other than good feelings and love? I don't think so, therefore your behavior has been deplorable and utterly childish. Too childish. And I tell you, darling that it is a total turn off.
Really, and quite frankly, that's not a good way to behave.
So, correct me if I am wrong (I know you won't as you'll never read this and even less reply to me, as it would involve having a civilized conversation, which seems totally impossible with you)... correct me...
I have never stopped supporting you
I have never stopped thinking about you in a positive way to try making you feel happy
I have always tried to bring a smile to your face
I always tried to please you even if in doing so, I suffered deeply other pains and it brought back obscure thoughts and events in my life that didn't make me feel happy to think about or live again (which you didn't care about as you always wanted to get away with your ways)
So what on earth are you freaking playing at? OR is it simply the satisfaction of hurting others (or me) or the comfort of bringing others to your own lower estate of thought? (cos you did drag me down that hole, pretty deeply and I am not staying there, am sorry)... No, I don't want or need responses to any of these questions, they are just rhetorical, for you to think about.
I am moving to my happy life, a life where all the bad things have a positive side and even if it is not perfect, by any means, I will make the best out of it. I will carry on seeing problems as ways to improve myself, to learn and grow, not as a lake of stagnant water. I create waterfalls in my life because I choose to. I CAN and WILL appreciate the small things in life.
When a friend wants to cheer me by sending me a nice picture or the recording of a bird, or even whatever random story to make me think about something else rather than the negativity, I will cherish that, and know that such person really wants me in their life, that cares, that thinks about me because I am important for them. That no matter what, they have my back, and that I know I will always be able to count on them, because they have tried hard to be there on my rough times, even if they are not ok themselves. They have spared time and effort on me, and that is more valuable than any other thing in the world. And they know I would do exactly the same and more if needed.
If you carry on being an arse towards me, that will replicate in your life, and one day you will realize that you are alone because you have been an arse all your life. Trying to impress others with utter arrogance, trying to be "better than" or pretenidng you "know more than" the other person. Please!! that is ok when you were 15 but you are not even in the twenties anymore.
The best teacher are not the academic schools but life itself, and if you are just complaining about what happened to you, you have not learnt the lesson, whichever it is. You will not be ok with yourself till you accept that is all over and you are not the same person. That your life is chosen by you every day and your future will be all your present decisions in retrospect.
And fair enough you chose to kick me out of your life, but I don't see it being for the right reasons, or any at all to be fair, nor in the right way.
It was very coward of you, you have been a big coward not being honest to me. You will say that you don't owe me nothing, and you're right... and that it is your choice to say something or not. Fair enough, but you know what? I was always open and transparent with you, and I think I deserve that at least.
But whatever, if being the way you have been is what make you happy, then congratulations, I am happy that I finally managed to make you happy somehow, even if it is just by being made to feel miserable by your selfish behavior. Selfish, selfish behavior, yes. Because you will never start seeing your opportunities and all what you have around to make you feel fulfilled until you start understanding that your surroundings play a big part of your whole equilibrium and you need to put towards that balance too.
I don't care if you get angry or if you tell me I am a "know it all" as firstly I think all I am saying is only common sense, and secondly, you'll never be reading this, and if you had started, you would have probably sworn and closed it all many lines ago.
We don't talk and so I don't lose anything at this point but the fear to lose anything.
It is truly sad to see that maybe I thought you were a better person than what you really are. Maybe I thought that there was a kind loving man behind your words, your November words; and that you were truthful and honest. It is sad to think for a second that I was wrong about you. I wish I wasn't wrong. Though, there will be no way to know anymore.
You shut your channels and to be quite frank, I won't go after you. Perhaps I could email you, or send you an IG message still, but I won't do it. Not anymore. You played with me too much already and I got to edges I didn't think I could get to, and they were really not good.
And you know what's the worse? that I sought for you, seeking some comfort and empathy from you, precisely the day my father died and a couple of days later my uncle died, and really, a hell of a lot of things happened along that week when I so needed you to be nice to me... and you behaved like an insensitive selfish egotist that wouldn't give a flying f#ck about my feelings in general, let alone the complex and difficult situation I was living... because you do know my background and you knew a lot of things that perhaps could make you think a bit more sensitively... but you didn't at all.
... noooooo and even with all that manipulation you played me, I still thought, "I will be nice to him, I am sure it is something temporary, he is probably not feeling well, so I will just be understanding" ... and apply that saying "tell me I Iove you when I least deserve it as it will be when I most need it"...
And you know what? It's all over, I left all that behind because I don't like thinking about all of these things that make me feel really low. I feel very disappointed, and disappointment is one of the worse feelings I can have. It is a deep sadness that goes beyond myself...
I cannot get angry. I don't feel anger nor I have ever felt bad about people's success, nor I know how to hate. I don't have such sort of feelings in me. But I can feel disappointed, sad and let down. And that is how I feel about you. Thinking that I thought you were lovely and nice to then see you choose to be a monster towards me. For no reason. Absolutely no reason.
So well, what can I do. Only keeping on writing to eventually find my closure or focus on other things that will make me not think about all this sadness. I am genuinely a happy person, optimistic and very positive. I won't let you contaminate me with all those twisted negative thoughts that I do not deserve. I really won't.
So be happy, I hope you find your own window of happiness with your twisted ways of treating others (if how you treated me is a reflection of how you treat others). I hope you find a way to be grateful for what you do have, instead of feeling pity about what you don't have yet. And I hope you are able to see other people's interest in you as a way to say "I care about you" and not as a way of "lets judge him" ... if you don't change those things, your life will always be sad and empty. You have shown you are ungrateful.
So I wish you the best, I hope you find someone that can colour your grey days, and that will make those colours last. And I hope that when you have that, you are able to be grateful for finding that one person that is there to take the time and the effort to colour each and every black cloud and grey shadow.
And I hope one day, you are able to look back at all we ever talked and think that perhaps you were a bit too harsh. And I hope you are able to recognise that you were unfair. And do with those feelings whatever you please once again.