Love letters... | 7 Letter to no-one. One step closer to the edge...
... love letters to the one who will never read them...
I often wonder if I should start with Dear diary, or Dear me, or just Dear Universe... so I will just start once again as whatever comes to my bubbled mind.... so many thoughts crashing against each other. Don't get me wrong, constructively. I guess it depends on the type of energy each has. Mine are always creative thoughts... although they can destroy me sometimes in some way... like when our dreams involve someone else and that person vanishes out of choice... for example.
I have always considered myself to be a very optimistic person, realistic too, but at the same very skeptical and a tad cynical with what is presented in my life. Mixed with curiosity and adventurousness, it makes a mix for constant action. I think it is quite a good balance when the surrounding circumstances throw you all sorts of challenges and either you catch them or they bruise you. So I guess that was a survival strategy. Part of me cannot wait to have the right reason to be said. Stop. Ok, enough. You can just rest and settle now.
So I get myself into situations sometimes, partly for being a challenge taker, partly because of the sense of right and wrong. And that has always paid off.
Like the challenge of my last five and a lot years. Moving to a country I didn't know to solve a family matter. There is the concept of right and wrong.... The country that seems to be the most dangerous in the world according to the statistics. There is the challenge.
It is not easy to leave everything behind when you had finally thought that finally you had the life you wanted, after 16 years having been able to have my own place to live, a job that I loved, a bunch of excellent friends (which have not lost contact with mostly) ... and as time goes by, thinking that having left for so long and now with some idiotic political decisions like stupid Brexit, now going back may be a bit more complicated, or at least staying.... and being away for over 3 years will require a lot of convincing to be allowed to stay, even if I spent there all my adulthood, and became a person in the UK. ... or giving in and using the card of a "British father" which I rather not, as he probably is only so by tag, not by blood. As far as I am concerned, my mum was both, as she was the one that stood up for me and against all the odds and difficulties. So, I will take my odds. I hope my work has earnt me the right to stay when I am back. I know what you are thinking. I would only get married for love, otherwise is no way in my plans. That was never in my mind to start with, even if I have been engaged twice...
So yes,... I believe we all have had to sacrifice a lot of things sometimes in order to achieve the aims and objectives that mattered long term. And I do not regret at all. I was telling this to a friend of mine yesterday by video chat. I don't regret my past, I would live it all again with all the good and all the bad things. No matter how bad, no matter how inconvenient. As from everything I have been able to learn and grow.
And now, after almost 6 years I seem to finally see the light. I am so determined that this house will finally sell and I will be able to move on from this chapter in life to one that I can decide. I am so ready that I am already seeing it happening. Selling and going back home and spend more time with my mum who I so much miss.
We have additions to the family, my dog and my cat, or at least the cat, as the big furry one is not feeling great lately. He is 13 and typically a Golden Retriever only lives on average 10-12 years. So I guess he is happy, and he is my four legged shadow. Follows me everywhere no matter where I go, toilet, kitchen, garden, back to the kitchen, around the sofa, it doesn't matter he follows me, he is such a lovely companion. I think I will miss him very much when he is gone.
I see the end of this soon. I almost taste it. One of my short term dreams is when go back to the UK, to travel a few weeks around England in a motor home. I imagine the big furry one running around the mountains and splashing in the lakes of Scotland and Wales. We will travel around Cornwall and then may go a few weeks around Europe. Then I hope to be able to finally settle. Maybe start a business in something, or a small farm, or something... I have not decided yet, there could be so many things I love to do... so time will tell and I will evaluate the oncoming opportunities as an when.
I see myself closing this door with everything done and with all my packed stuff, perhaps decide to go back by ship so that my two furry ones can go with me without problem and take it as a time to think a bit further what is to come. Make a few plans that could work out. It will depend but I think this will be the cheapest option travelling with pets and 6 years of luggage. Not that much luggage really, but two pets.
In my last trip which was partly emergency, partly the need to know about future, I tried to find out if there would be a clearer plan, or at least an attempt to a clearer plan, a try out to see what happened... but it vanished. So it left me with a completely white canvas that has not even been framed to use it and a broken blood pump. It was sad.
No matter how much I have learnt from people that try to defraud you, scams and disappointment, I still give tries to what makes sense to me, and give opportunities.
I prefer to make mistakes a thousand times than loosing at once the faith in humanity.
Those attempts often create hopes, and those hopes give us reasons to continue more often than not. I only encountered a confused person. I think he will remain confused because chose not to ever get to know me for what I am, but for his conclusions biased by his own past experience, which was pretty bad. I still wish some day he says to me I made a mistake, I anticipated, lets try, together... but I doubt that would ever happen. He would have to swallow his pride and there is a lot to chew there.... still a hope is free to have, so, why not keeping it there on stand-by...
I read the other day something that said
"tell me how you love, and I'll tell you how you were loved".
I must admit I had some pretty sh!t partners, also some not so bad ones. Even the rubbish ones left good things. The worst is the disappointment, when after a few years they confess something they shouldn't have done but they did.... and you think gosh, "why did you have to say that, now I know you messed up worse than I thought"... but anyway, past is past...
The thing is that I look back and I think I have blocked most of the bad stuff and remember only the most critical, only as a reminder to not fall for the same again... the rest I don't. I tend to remember the good stuff, because that makes me happier, and why make myself feel bad about the rest of rubbish... I decided to do this many years ago. I made a pact with myself that I will only keep in the good things, recycling, as to say and after years of practice it works most of the time. I am not saying it is easy, but it works for me mostly.
Which is somehow interesting that people think that I am all happy all the time and that I live in Narnja. Literally I have been told that. I rather they think I am stupid and a loony than digging into my darkest side. It's easier. And I prefer it that way to be honest.
So I plan a lot, I do. I was reading a meme that I liked a lot that said
A DREAM with a date becomes a GOAL
A GOAL broken down into steps
becomes a PLAN
A PLAN backed by action
Becomes REALITY.
I have always called the above Magic. The magic of making things happen. Just being able to plan, structure, organise and do. So I believe that Dreams come true. Clearly when they don't involve anybody else.
When I say that, people think I am crazy and I let them. They may be right too.
So, I hope that very soon I am able to move on physically but also emotionally. I have had a lot of ups and downs, hopes and broken dreams, wishes and disappointments and I hope the one that is killing me the most goes soon. I am not sure yet I am completely ready, I feel as I have to do a couple more things to have complete closure. Will see when I get to the river. May cross, may just sit at the shore to make stones jump the surface of it...
It's great to find bits of hope to hold on to, plans and dreams make that too. It is always safer when these do not involve anybody else. I am working on that still...
:)