by cloudsplash on unsplash

The Perfect Relationship

In the real world where love is a concept similar to the loch ness monster, there are successful relationships.
The movies lie to you. Do you know the most perfect relationships out there, a superficial guy plus a gold-digger. Why? Because it is the most truthful relationship out there. They are both superficial and unapologetically materialistic .
This is a brutal take on a typical date between two such people.
They met on a popular dating app:

The girl is putting on make up and sees the guy approaching. She tries to peek to see the size of his... car. He has a soul patch and diamond studs. He's wearing a suit even though he works in t shirts. She thinks he looks rich enough. She's just broken up with her boyfriend whose wife threatened to go pre nup on his ass.

The guy is hoping she has nice boobs, he sees her apply make-up. He wonders if she looks like a witch without it. He makes a mental note never to find out. He's just broken up with his last girlfriend after seeing her without her paint. Also, she was getting really fat and clingy. He wondered how much he'll pay in child support.

Guy: "Hi , I have to be a complete gentleman till you give it up so let me open the door for you."
Girl: "Thanks, I like to leave the feminism at home when I come for dates."

Guy: "I go through women same way I go through brushes. Twice a day and I change every 3-4 months. I thought you'd give it up faster if we came to eat some place expensive."

Girl: " You are so smart.....and right."

Guy: "So are you going to pretend you don't hog on hot dogs and order a salad."

Girl: "Of Course, I have a Mars bar in my purse."

Guy: "Let's talk numbers. 1 million liquid, house in Hamptons."

Girl: "hmm"

Guy: "Also I have 50 bitcoins.”
Girl: “OMG, you’re so funny and you’re getting laid today but no gross stuff.”
Guy: “Can we skip dinner and small talk?”
Girl: “No.”

Guy: “So what do you do for fun?”
Girl: “ I love talking, I mean people are like obsessed with me, and I have to tell them they are too poor to even look at me. Mean people my voice is really shriek but you’ll know how ultrasonic it can get.”
Guy had zoned out
stares at boobs
Nods
Guy: “I used to get beaten up in high school. I love numbers. There is this intricate dance that a set of number does and if you can match step.”
Girl: “ I love dancing too. My nerdy sister is a Math major, V-I-R-G-I-N. She spends all her time trying to send proteins to Africa, as if the kids go to gyms. Duh.”
Guy is still staring and does not care about the saintly sister

They reach the guy’s home.
Bang Bang Bang
They date for a while. The guy has learnt to drown out her words and the girl has learnt to max out his credit cards. They live obliviously ever after.

copyright coffeewrites