That's What She Said

People are weird.

Really weird.

I know people watching is a common past-time thing but what about people listening? I take public transportation to/from work and I travel a fair amount for pleasure both of which put me in the position to hear lot of conversations between strangers. I also love to take note of funny/weird things my family has said and jot them down in my phone.

Today in my Facebook memories, it reminded me that a year ago I was helping my oldest niece move from her dorm to an apartment in the Tampa area. We were taking a break and relaxing by the pool and I heard this….

Man: How old is your son?
Woman: Three and a half.
Man: Three and and half what?
Woman:
Man:
Woman: Years…

It took everything I had not to scream with laughter. You know when you are laughing so hard but you have to do it silently so your shoulders shake and then tears start streaming down your face? My niece and sister-in-law noticed me after a minute of this and got worried. I couldn't explain right away and when I did later I started crying-laughing all over again (I do this a lot). That same trip my niece came to the car rental return place with me, saw the company sign and asked me,

“What is a lamo?”

She holds a 3.5 gpa somehow.

A few years ago I was at a New Year's party playing beer pong with a friend and talking trash. We were playing in a basement and it was pretty loud between all of the other people at the party and music. At the same time the music paused between songs, everyone else’s conversation suddenly stopped or became pretty quiet. Very clearly I could hear another acquaintances tell his friend very seriously,

“Yeah, you wouldn't believe the number of pets that have started to eat their owners once they've died”

My favorites though are things my kids have said, probably because of the shock value. This was an exchange 3-4 years ago when my daughter was in middle school and my son was in early elementary...

Son: You know what's funny
Me: What?
Son: Your life. [walks away]
Daughter: Zyklon B, Mommy.
Me: What's that?
Daughter: It gets rid of unwanted pests like [brother's name]. It's what they used during the holocaust.

Clearly I'm winning at parenting. Cripes.

There are snippets I hear that I just shake my head at and continue on with my day.

Son to Daughter: I've told you for the hundredth time, stop putting on my clothes!

Son as we were driving in the car: Pigeons love words!

Me talking to Daughter about when I'm age 65-66 Daughter: I hope at that age you get a small cold that lasts forever.

This is my life and the people that are supposed to take care of me when I'm elderly. Help.

Last Thursday, we all went to see Infinity War and in the car heading there my husband, @blewitt, was telling us about an article he read regarding the upcoming Free Comic Book Day that Saturday. The day is the biggest day of the year for his own shop so it's normal to hear him talk preparations and such. The article had a picture of a couple of guys who had been lined up outside a comic shop in the Southwest for a day or two already at that point. That's weird and he made a comment to that effect. Our son quietly says from the backseat, “Sounds like someone is jelly”. It was such a quietly good burn, I loved it.

Speaking of burns, my dad had an excellent one at my expense. My dad is a very straight edge kinda guy and also very empathetic to other people, this makes him an excellent songwriter and musician in my humble opinion. His jokes tend to be super dry and it often takes a few beats to get when he's making a joke because he says most of them in a very serious, part of the conversation type of way. One visit, we took some group family pictures of all of us together…

Me: Oh man, I look terrible in every picture!
Dad (patting my arm): It's ok, we don't mind.

My ultimate favorite was this last Halloween. My son (6th grade) came home after school and told me a kid in his class asked him, "Are you even straight?" to which my son replied, "I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on". I gave him a double high-five for that.

As a general rule, no one finds me as funny as I do. I make myself laugh. A lot. Early in my relationship with my husband (who's actually the funniest person I know and way wittier than I am), we were texting about how much we love milk. I don't remember why and it really doesn't matter. We ranged from Progeria children to milk, ok? So anyway, we're talking about our love of milk and I text him:

“Organic milk is Nature's cum”

So now that you have that visual in your head, enjoy your day.

P.S. I tried to find a funny gif or meme for organic milk and got this. If I had to see it, so do you.